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As Vast As That Blue Yonder
Sunday, September 18, 2011 @ 12:41 PM

listening to: All About Him - Auburn

I have just decided a name for our future son or daughter.

I'm going to name him/her Ciel.
It raises so many definitions.

Now he has to think of a second name. =)

I wish to have a child when I'm 27, successful and married to you.


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Of Conclusions and Recommendations
Monday, September 05, 2011 @ 5:20 AM

I'm sorry that I don't always have solutions to your problems (ones that you would be able to "connect with"), even though I understand you more than anybody else does and could.

I hope it doesn't make you love me less.
"Will you be my guiding star?"

"Yes. I'm just here... even when it's too cloudy for you to see."


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

'Cause I Will Be Here
Saturday, August 27, 2011 @ 9:53 AM

mood: listening to: I Will Be Here - Gary Valenciano

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I... I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I... I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen

And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning and losing and trying
We'll be together

'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I... I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I... I will be here

I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I... I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together, forever

'Cause I will be here
I will be here

I love you, BAC.

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Physical & Emotional Exhaustion
Thursday, June 02, 2011 @ 10:54 PM

mood: oh you'll soon read about it below
listening to: silence

Here's my result from the Colorgenics test online:
At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.

For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believe."

I suppose that pretty much sums up my current predicament nowadays.

I am thankful and grateful for the support of my mother, my boyfriend, my old friends, as well as my new friends. I am trying to cope with these emotional feelings, but I think what I need most is rest. Unfortunately though, it can't be done. I cannot have a full day of rest. I can't even manage a good night sleep. I can't even manage more than 5 hours of sleep.

Anyway, I am currently finishing my dinner (and typing this). I should proceed to printing stuff for work after this. I can't cry yet, but when I do, I bet it will feel great afterwards. Yeah.

I am hanging on.

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Rings Are Circle: It Stands for Infinity
Sunday, May 29, 2011 @ 1:41 PM


listening to: To Make You Feel My Love by Josh Kelley

He wanted us to have a couples ring. Since he's been dropping hints about marriage (like. "Let's get married next month!" "When are we getting married?" "I want to spend everyday with you." "I see myself old, sitting on a rocking chair.. on my house terrace, smiling.. and you're there beside me.." and other statements), I'd like to view our future rings as promise rings or engagement rings. Sterling silver is all we could afford right now since we're fresh grads with no salaries yet. Anyway, the ladies who assisted us with the rings kept giggling. I got rather amused.

We had our fingers sized. He's a size 6 and I'm a size 3. I'm half his size-- how cool is that? Unfortunately, at Unisilver (SM Rosario), the smallest available size they have is 4. I already have shoe size problems (having a size 5 for feet) and then now, this. I expected that I have a rather unusually small ring size which would lead to limited ring choices-- however, I didn't expect a nada. *sigh*

Bryan said, we'd go look for other stores for my size. We won't look at other Unisilver branches since none of them sell size 3 rings apparently. (Our first choice to go to is Silverworks but there's no branch there.) He said that if ever we won't find any soon, then we'd just have to look for a place for customization. (Is that a legit word? Too lazy to look it up atm.) I told him that if we find none, I'd settle for a size 4 and put it on my middle finger or poiting finger... or put it on my ring finger with a tape or something (on the bottom side) just so it will stay there secured. He's still quite determined that it won't go to that extent.

I love that determination of his.

He surprised me a lot yesterday. He told me how it will be the first time he'd ever wear a ring (because rings can become rather uncomfortable when worn on a finger, he said). He's the type of guy who only wears a wristwatch and a necklace--but rarely. Hmmmmm He even jokingly said how it's great that he's willing to make life-altering choice of wearing a permanent accessory because of me... because he wants the acknowledgement that we're couples. He wants the world to know that we're tied to each other, that he's taken. It's one of the most romantic and heart-warming lines I've ever heard from him. He never fails to make me happy and swoon. I'm so happy I love him and I have him in my life. What means so much more is that... he feels the same way about me.

We're crazy for each other. We badly want and need each other. We're so in love.

He is such a blessing.

This, my friend, is what bliss and security is all about.

I'm looking forward to our rings... a symbol for infinity.

On another note:
Happy birthday to my bestfriend, May! I love you, Purda.


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

New Stage in Life: I Feel Blessed
Friday, May 20, 2011 @ 1:18 AM

I will have a job soon as an English and Values teacher at St. Francis school. The commute to get there is less than an hour, traffic included.

I am about to undergo a new stage in my life.

In a way, yes, it will be different because I will have new responsibilities. However, it can be compared to student-type of responsibilities. I mean, seriously, this is how I view it:

students - school
teachers - school

students - learn
teachers - teach (and learn)

Non-academic activities:
students - participate
teachers - administer (and at times, maybe participate too)

Post school hours and weekends:
students - projects, homeworks, study for quizzes and tests
teachers - make lesson plans and tests, compute grades, check papers

So yeah.. let's say the teachers have more things to do because there are a lot of students. Like this:

students - have 7-10 teachers - if all give homework, then = 7-10 homeworks
teachers - have 100 students (approximate) in 5 sections, then = 5 homeworks (in a sense)

So yeah. I think (for now) that the teaching experience is sorta like being a student too plus the paycheck. I will manage my time wisely so that I can manage my time for my boyfriend, friends, and my health.

During my tough times of being busy and failing physical and emotional health, really, all I need are the support of my loved ones, sleep, goal-driven determination, and God.
I feel a bit more accomplished now.
I mean, I have a kind, patient, loving, beautiful mother who I love very much.
I have a wonderfully awesome boyfriend who I am deeply in love with and whom I can see myself with in decades.
I have friends who are protective, supportive, and caring of me.
They all love me very much.

I have a roof over my head, food on the table and ref, clothes that are in good condition, and some luxuries like the internet, books, and girl stuff.

Now, I have a job. I will soon earn money. I will not view myself as a worthless person anymore. I bet I will also love my students.

I feel blessed. I am never ungrateful.
Sure, there are times when I get overwhelmed and my mood's not that good (like any other individual), but still... I am aware that I am blessed.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Lord.
I live.

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Ang Lumbay ng Wala Ka
Monday, May 16, 2011 @ 3:16 PM

Lagi naman ako mag-isa.
Pero hindi na ako sanay ngayon.
Nakakalumbay na walang taong buhay sa buong bahay, tulog man ako o gising.
Ang pinakamamahal ko pa ay hindi ko makausap kahit sa telepono na nga lang.

Nakakalumbay at nakakatamad mabuhay.
Ayoko ng ganito.
Utang na loob, sambutin mo uli ako.


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Mourning Morning
Sunday, May 15, 2011 @ 12:18 PM

"Ngayon lang!" he said through his gritted teeth.

She shivered. The last thing he said that night echoed through her ears. It kept screaming in her mind. She could still feel the emotion behind it. She could still recall the intensity from each word, the intonation, the stress, the volume, and the pitch. It burned her chest more than her ears.

"I'm sorry," she managed to choke out.

After the grueling morning of guilt, her mind is now set to earning his forgiveness and making him feel better. If only it's better to reason with him, to tell him that he misinterpreted and generalized what she said-- that it's inaccurate-- a misunderstanding, but no. When one is still emotional and quite focused on a very sensitive issue, one's ear is shut. While one ear is shut close, the heart overthrows the mind.

She knows what she said was wrong. It also came out wrong and she should have thought that it would make him sensitive in the matter. However, she realized this after she said it. It is always wrong for the mouth to take action first when the heart is backing it up, while not consulting the mind first. She knows this. Still, it happened.

"Let me suffer, I'll take it. But please, let him realize that I still want to make this work and that I love him no less than I did before," she whispered to no one. "I always love him despite anything."

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

What is love?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011 @ 2:42 PM

To answer your question, Jozel: "What is love for you?"
Love is when you offer both arms when only a hand is needed.

Sorry it took so long for me to actually form a satisfactory sentence. I'm very fussy when it comes to my grammar and vocabulary.


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

0.5 Anniversary
Sunday, November 21, 2010 @ 10:29 PM

listening to: It's You - Michelle Branch

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
Trace the steps with my fingertips
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

I love you.


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Nearing the Half of a Year...
Monday, November 15, 2010 @ 10:23 PM

listening to: Everything I Do - Brandy
There's this boy that I love.
I started liking him a year or so ago.
We were schoolmates
I am so lucky to have him in my life.
I'm even luckier to have him as my boyfriend.

We'll be celebrating our 0.5 anniversary soon.
He's my life.
There's no one else I'd rather be with.
I love him so much.

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Pre-Halloween Update..?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 @ 12:10 AM

listening to: Billie Piper - Honey To The Bee

It's been so long since I last visited my blog. How're you all doing? Lots of stuff happened since my last update. I guess that'd mean, there's a lot I could type here. Yeah... I could get on that... or study for my Spanish test. So...

But I will update this week... well, hopefully. I've got lots of things to do. I should prioritize, I guess. Oh well. I'll be back later.

I promise.

(There. It's locked and sealed with a promise.)

'Till then, take care, everyone. Happy Halloween! =)

I feel blessed that I get this year off. I get to do the things I've always wanted to do. I have a more-than-amazing mom. My boyfriend and I love each other very much. My friends are still with me. I feel as though this is the break I've been looking for. God finally gave it to me. He knows best after all. =)


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Strength: You'll Find It Inside Me
Saturday, September 11, 2010 @ 10:19 PM

I guess... you forgot how strong I am.
I have always been.

And I guess... you forgot that sms you sent to me during my birthday week, the time when Lem was sick.
You said I'm strong-willed, independent, and responsible... that it's not hard to love me.
That hasn't changed and it will never change, because yes, that is me... The "best kind of girlfriend".. "understanding".. "patient".. "kind".. "forgiving".. "masarap mahalin".. "hindi mahirap pakisamahan".. "mabait".. at kung anu-ano pang naiisip/nasasabi ng mga tao.. at kung anu-ano pang online quizzes with the same results ang nag-de-describe sa akin...

I am not all those just to please people.
I am not all those just to be praised.
I am not all those to be liked.
I am all those because that is me.

Yes, I do hurt at times because I miss you terribly.. I'd like to spend time with you.. talk to you.. However, the pain, disappointments, and whatnots will not change how much I love you.
It's just like my favorite Shakespeare sonnet:
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."
~ William Shakespeare; Sonnet CXVI

Big or small life-changing events.. misunderstandings.. "arguments".. others of the like.. we'll survive it.
I believe in us and our love for each other.
Yes, even if you're weak-willed, pessimistic, negative, and depressive.
I believe it's good to have these challenges. It makes us grow and evolve together. Besides, it's inevitable in any relationship. If there were none of these, then there's clearly something wrong. LOL

I'll give you space for a week since that's what you want.. though really, since I don't demand much; even from before you do have enough space.. well, from my perspective, at least. I won't text as much.

I appreciate all the efforts you give. I appreciate even the little time and attention you give. I know you are hurting too. Who wouldn't be, right? Tiis-tiis muna, ganyan ka ka-busy eh. If you [start to] resent schoolwork or your school-life, do not resent me by extension. I have done nothing to hinder your academic progress and you know well how I fully support on that and education in general.

I agree about what you said, hoping that your lack of time and attention to me won't be an issue. Well, I have no intention about making it an issue. But let's say if ever it does become an issue in the future, we can always talk about it and resolve it.

I wish you are well.

I wish everyone I love is well, even if not happy.
You can't always be happy, you know. Pretty absurd.

I will be fine.
I have been fine; so, yeah no reason not to think/be otherwise.

Cheers to positivity!
No, I am not in denial nor turning a blind eye nor suppressing.
Yes, I can be naive at times but I'm not stupid nor blind. I just prefer to look at the good things, nothing wrong with that.
People should try that more often.
You can have your period of frustration, lethargy, depression, and the like... but then recover afterwards. Learn to stand up and go forward again.

On a side note, I learned a simple piano piece-- a recent favorite song of mine by Augustana. I found another piece, a different version, I'd master it after I master this. This will do for the meantime, since Drix still doesn't have any contact with his friend.
I'm excited to learn. I bought a music book, but I still prefer hands-on tutorial. Iba pag tao ang teacher (hindi internet o libro).

¡Tome el cuidado siempre, mis amigos!

Labels: , , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"Because she is my rose."
Sunday, August 15, 2010 @ 8:19 PM

listening to: silence

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you — the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundred of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."

~ The Little Prince; XXI of my favorite lines in the book.

I wanna wanna change my layout... but there's so much for me to choose from! I'll probably get lazy about this again. *sigh* Oh well.

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Wednesday, July 21, 2010 @ 12:26 AM

You know one of the greatest moments in my life wherein I'm so freakin' happy...?
..That I can be happy even if I'm having a crappy day..
even if I'm sick...
even if I'm busy...
even if I'm so tired..?

"Mahal kita... sobra."

Happy monthsary satin, Bryan.
I love you very much.

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".