mood: oh you'll soon read about it below
listening to: silence

Here's my result from the Colorgenics test online:

At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.

For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believe."

I suppose that pretty much sums up my current predicament nowadays.

I am thankful and grateful for the support of my mother, my boyfriend, my old friends, as well as my new friends. I am trying to cope with these emotional feelings, but I think what I need most is rest. Unfortunately though, it can't be done. I cannot have a full day of rest. I can't even manage a good night sleep. I can't even manage more than 5 hours of sleep.

Anyway, I am currently finishing my dinner (and typing this). I should proceed to printing stuff for work after this. I can't cry yet, but when I do, I bet it will feel great afterwards. Yeah.

I am hanging on.

Labels: health and beauty, melancholy, work

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Lagi naman ako mag-isa.
Pero hindi na ako sanay ngayon.
Nakakalumbay na walang taong buhay sa buong bahay, tulog man ako o gising.
Ang pinakamamahal ko pa ay hindi ko makausap kahit sa telepono na nga lang.

Nakakalumbay at nakakatamad mabuhay.
Ayoko ng ganito.
Utang na loob, sambutin mo uli ako.

Labels: melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"Ngayon lang!" he said through his gritted teeth.

She shivered. The last thing he said that night echoed through her ears. It kept screaming in her mind. She could still feel the emotion behind it. She could still recall the intensity from each word, the intonation, the stress, the volume, and the pitch. It burned her chest more than her ears.

"I'm sorry," she managed to choke out.

After the grueling morning of guilt, her mind is now set to earning his forgiveness and making him feel better. If only it's better to reason with him, to tell him that he misinterpreted and generalized what she said-- that it's inaccurate-- a misunderstanding, but no. When one is still emotional and quite focused on a very sensitive issue, one's ear is shut. While one ear is shut close, the heart overthrows the mind.

She knows what she said was wrong. It also came out wrong and she should have thought that it would make him sensitive in the matter. However, she realized this after she said it. It is always wrong for the mouth to take action first when the heart is backing it up, while not consulting the mind first. She knows this. Still, it happened.

"Let me suffer, I'll take it. But please, let him realize that I still want to make this work and that I love him no less than I did before," she whispered to no one. "I always love him despite anything."

Labels: love, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood:
listening to: none

It's like...
being suspended mid-air...
on a cliff...






And no, this is totally unrelated to "suspense".

Labels: melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"'Wag mo akong iiwan," he whispered while hugging her tight.
Without saying anything, she shook her head gently.


I hope you won't leave me either.
Because... I won't know how to recover from you.

I believe God gave you to me for a very good reason.
He wants me to be loved, to feel loved, and to believe that I could and would be loved again.
You're my gift from above.

I also believe He wants you to be equally happy.
He wants you to have someone [other than your family and close friends] who will always be there for you, who will be faithful and loyal to you, who will be honest with you, who will believe in you, who will accept you for who you are as well as who you are not, and whom you can trust with your heart.

I could feel this.. this strong connection.. this sort of force so strong that I couldn't just let you go. It's like a magnet. It's quite euphoric.

I am elated as well when you told me how you feel, because I feel the same way about you.


I will take my chances with you.
I will stick to my belief that God gave you to me... so that my worries of you being "taken back" by Him will diminish even just a little, enough to lessen my anxiety of it.
I know I can't fight God's will, really no argument on that part, but if there's any means to make you stay... hopefully, I will be that reason-- just as you told me what happened in the past, "It's you. You are the reason."


*deep breath*
It is the present that is important.
I intend to enjoy every bit of it.
I shall be optimistic.
Tomorrows will look bright.




I am not very good with verbally expressing my feelings so I decided to blog about it. I need to get this off my chest in some form or another. It's a good thing he doesn't know of this link. Only a few people know of this link. It's a good thing I didn't post it on my plurk page, else "the world" would know just how sappy I could sound at times. *shrugs* I know that I will continue to write about my issues here and at some point, this blog would become.. for the lack of a better word to describe it-- insufferable.. and quite possibly repetitive like my old one but.. eh... bleh. I will write whatever I want.

Labels: love, melancholy, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: ... listening to: Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Labels: love, melancholy, song lyrics

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood:
listening to:


Setting: In class
Boy1: Sa tingin mo magiging kami ni JC Concepcion?
Girl: Ha? Bakit? [Liligawan mo sya?!]
Boy1: *talks about how in the past they were friends and that the girl showed interest in him*
Girl: Ah, malay ko ba.
Boy1: *gives girl the meaningful look they both know*
...
Boy1: Ikaw kasi eh! [Kung dati ako ang pinili mo, hindi hahantong sa ganito!]
Girl: Ha? Kasalanan ko? [Eh sa tingin ko iba ang mahal mo noon!]
Boy2: *sits in front of Boy1 and Girl* Oo nga, kasalanan mo. [.. na hindi ako ang pinili mo. Masaya ka sana ngayon.]
Girl: *screams in frustration* Buset! [Alam ko, mali nga siguro ang pinili ko pero magiging ok rin ako! [Sana.]]

[cuts to another scene: going home]
Setting: On the way home
Boy1: *riding a bike*
Girl: *walking with a bike on her side, saw Boy1, saw where h's going [JC Concepcion's house], decides to tell him what's on her mind* Hoy! S-sa totoo lang-- kasalanan mo rin! [Na hinayaan mo akong paniwalaan na hindi mo ako ganong kamahal.]
Boy1: Ha?
Girl: Ka-kasi... Kung tutuusin... P-pwede naman maging tayo ngayon! [Dahil hindi na kayo ni *toot*!]
Boy1: ?!
Girl: O ano?! Di ba? [Pero hindi pa rin ako ang pupuntahan mo!] *gives him a meaningful look that both of them understands*
Boy1: *gibberish stuttering*
Girl: *hops on her bike and rides it away from Boy1*
Boy1: *turns his bike to catch up to Girl*
Girl: *to no one in particular* Ahh! How nice it is to learn how to ride a bike and learn how to swim, both in the same year!
Boy1: *catches up with Girl* You finally learned?


Then I woke up.

I settle my issues usually in my dreams. That is why whenever I feel like I'm not affected by anything [in the real life], I wait till I dream. The ones that I remember makes me figure out just how affected I am from it. It is like... perhaps consciously, I do not feel or think that I am affected because my brain could be shielding me from it. i.e I don't think of him at all now. I don't miss him anymore. *while dreaming* I hardly see you anymore. I miss you!

So I guess... I have been thinking about him at the back of my mind lately. I guess I really am not over him. It sucks. It sucks to still be in love with the same person for 5 years now.

Jason and Colbie might feel lucky. I certainly am not.

Sure, being in love is such a wonderful feeling but... getting yourself stuck with the person who doesn't love you as much and you don't see enough... is just heartbreaking.

If he does get over his ex, will you be the one he will think of?

If he doesn't, you'll be heartbroken to find him picking another girl.
Why can't it be me? You said [in the past] that you love me too?
Many responses/reasons:
I guess I don't feel that way about you anymore. [Coz I don't see you enough anymore. You know, "out of sight = out of mind = eventually, out of heart]
I still don't love you enough. [I'll feel guilty being with you when my heart don't feel enough love for you. It won't be fair to you.]
You're too good for me. [I have treated you bad in the past. You don't deserve me. You need to find someone who will treat you better and love you more. Then I'd be happy for you.]

If he does pick you, what would that mean, really?
I picked you because I love you [as my second].
I picked you because you love me. [Because in my situation now, I should be with people who loves me.]
I picked you because I realize how important you are to me. [Because you're always there for me, loving me unconditionally. It would be easy being with you.]
I picked you because I realized that the two of us are destined to be together. [How many times have my past relationship haven't worked out? But you stayed. It must mean something.]

Ok, ok, I suppose all those last responses only mean two things: you're his next love [second choice] and it's because you love him that is why the assurance made him feel confident that you're his right choice [whether he loves you enough or not]. Still very sad, isn't it? *sigh*

I really need pseudonyms for the people in my life.

Labels: dream, love, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: feel miserable
listening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids

[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]

My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.


For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.

I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.

This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".


I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?

After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?

I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.

I want to go back to my old self.


By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.



:+:+:+:+:
[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]


Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.

Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.

You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.

As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?




One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.

So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.

Labels: melancholy, optimism, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: I feel accomplished!
listening to: Utada Hikaru - Flavor of Life

Ok, I edited my 3 most recent blog entries: elaborated them, added pics and vids, and made it one-- like a burger. Err... yeah. Now that made me hungry. Anyway! So this entry is very long and vid-packed, so... enjoy watching... if nothing else.


[07.18.2009]

Cinemalaya 5inco was great. I loved all the films we saw. The short films were good too. Franchez, you should go watch! =D
Thank you so much Pong!

For those who do not know what Cinemalaya is-- it's a film festival held annually in the Philippines (specifically at the Cultural Center of the Philippines in Metro Manila). It features Filipino independent full-length films as well as short films (known as "shorts").

These are the short films that I saw:
[Shorts A]
Andong
Diamante Sa Langit
Maikling Kwento
Putot
Trails of Water

Pong was right on time [perhaps early] there so he got to watch all of 'em. Unfortunately, because I was late [grr] I did not get to watch some of them-- but the ones that I did saw where nice.

The first one was about two brothers who were quite excited to go to this like festival [I really don't know what the celebration was] in a meadow to fly their kite. By the time the siblings came to the meadow, the celebration was over. But that did not stop them from flying the kite. That's especially the part I like. I saw a lot of symbols: the kite, the siblings, the celebration/festival, etc. It could mean a lot of things: The kite symbolizes success as it soars high in the sky. The festival could be like... celebrating the success of these individuals. When the brothers came and found out that the celebration was over, it didn't stop them from flying their kite. Perhaps there's the "no matter what happens, as long as my family’s here" theme. Or it could mean freedom… as the kite flies high in the sky, ready to go wherever the wind takes him. [I'm not going to dive into defiance as the meaning of the kite, you know, with the whole "you can soar in the sky however you want, but you're tied to me" --since the kids exude happiness and contentment.]



...or all the things I said are completely wrong or that I over-analyzed something so simple.

The second one I saw was about this lady whose son [or was it grandson? Oh gosh I forgot na...] recently passed away. The wake was held at this tiny chapel. She was the only one there most of the time. Guess they don’t have relatives around [or they don’t have relatives, period]. Needless to say, she was sad and miserable. One day, a boy came followed by his father. They talked and she felt somewhat consoled. "Misery loves company", after all. I feel so sorry for the woman. It's so hard being alone. The first scene- the bathroom scene—was particularly heartbreaking.

The third movie I saw was set on an obscure village. Residing there was this sort of a… tribe. There was a little girl there who couldn’t speak... or wouldn't. I’m not sure. But it could be... perhaps a sign of Post Traumatic Stress [PTS]. [Take note: loss of speech, refusal to speak, and impaired speech are all different.] There was an incident in her life when people in their village were being murdered and she witnessed it. A close family member was killed. She escaped. Her father resents her afterwards. Maybe he blames her for the incident, I don't know. What I do know is-- she's his daughter. The poor kid witnessed a massacre, give her a break! She's already having a hard time adjusting, the kids in the village make fun of her, and she can't go to school [because she can’t speak... or for whatever reason- if there is other than that]. At least she was alive. Poor girl.

Near the end of the film, it was shown that she's gonna undergo some sort of ritual. [I didn't understand it.] It showed how she wants her father to appreciate her and that she wants her family to be proud of her.

Some people just want something as little as acceptance or recognition... Why is it hard to give? Why? I'd understand it if that person is really bad, to the point that people can’t help but shun him/her, but that little girl is innocent. So sad.


After lunchtime, we immediately went to see the full length films. Here are the trailers of the three films we saw [not in order]. I got the synopsis from the main site.


Dinig Sana Kita

Sana Ako'y Marinig

Nais kong sumilong sa dilim ng iyong halik
Magbulag-bulagan mawala lang ang sakit
Gustong malasing sa kakaibang damdamin
Wala nang ngunit ngunit
Wala ring aamin

Nais lumayo sa mundo kong kulungan
Ako'y nakagapos, walang patutunguhan
Gustong makita ang mundo mo sa kabila
Isang sulyap lang, sana may pag-asa

Kahit di mo ako mahalin
Kahit saan mo ako dalhin
Kahit isang saglit
Wala man kapalit
Sana ako'y marinig

Kahit isang saglit
Wala man kapalit
Bakit di mo ako marinig?

[What can I say? I fell in love with the song.]

Synopsis:
The film is a love story between a Deaf boy who loves to dance and a troubled rocker girl who abuses her hearing. One lives in the world of solitude and silence, the other in noise and fear. Crossing paths in a Baguio camp that mixes Deaf and hearing kids, both find that they have more in common with each other including a love for music.

DINIG SANA KITA is the first Filipino film to have a Deaf Actor in a Lead role. Romalito Mallari is a Deaf performer that has played several stage productions as actor and/or dancer. It also features several Deaf actors in the cast and ensemble.

Insight:
It was one of those "opposites attract" theme of love story. Though it was emphasized that the two of them are different because one can hear and the other can't, I think there's something more to think about than simply the concrete details. Take the terms [used in the synopsis] "solitude and silence" and “noise and fear". They're related. In solitude there is the fear of being isolated. Silence can be deafening. See where I'm going here?

The girl in the film feels lonely because of the situation with her parents. It's the somewhat cliché teen angst about lack of parental support / bad home situation = troublesome, lonely teen. It's an issue nowadays that should not be taken lightly. Adolescence is a crucial stage wherein personality is being developed and there is a need to find/develop one's identity.

Whenever the girl feels troubled, she'll seclude herself, diving to her world of noise. Ah contradictions. She feels lonely yet she secludes herself. She wants to "clear" her mind, yet she listens to loud music. On the other hand, the guy is sad because of his own angst but he doesn't seclude himself. He is more accepting. He is more optimistic. He doesn't run away from his problems. He actually does something about them [like giving his mom the ticket to see the show he's in] unlike the girl. Or maybe she's just fed up with trying to communicate with her parents.


Kanya-kanyang way of dealing with things. So...

I must say, I totally didn't expect the ending. The whole time I was thinking, "What's up with that weird buzzing sound she hears?" *sigh* I swear, how could I miss that? It's a clue. But anyway, I loved the movie.



Sanglaan


“Ano kaya ang nararamdaman ng mga taong may-ari ng gamit na yon na isusubasta namin? Paano kung bigay un sa kanila ng magulang nila? O kapatid? O asawa?”


Synopsis:
Sanglaan looks at seemingly simple relationships and uncomplicated events happening in a very mundane institution. A religious and single-minded businesswoman with a losing proposition, afraid of old age. A timid, vulnerable girl hopelessly in love with a high school crush. A security guard whose wife has a fragile heart. A charming and mysterious seaman just passing through. And a loan shark who won't take "no" for an answer. These are some of the characters that populate the milieu of Sanglaan, a light, funny, poignant and very Pinoy story about hope and redemption.

Insight:
It's about letting go, it's about borrowed time, it's about changes. There are a lot of themes within the relationships in this film: love for your spouse, respect for your spouse, love for your child[ren], love for that special someone, trying to understand someone you "hate", making sacrifices, setting your priorities straight, having a goal and going after it, etc.

I begin to wonder what if it was made into a series instead since it has a lot of possibilities Hmm... ok, wondering stops there. If it was made into a series, it will be... changed. It just wouldn't have that factor, that type of emotional impact… that realistic effect-- Pong said that's the charm of indie films after all. So scratch that. It is at its best—an independent Pinoy film. I'm happy I saw this. The night before we saw this, I searched through youtube for the trailer. lol



Colorum

Unfortunately, I found no Colorum trailer at youtube. Have to settle with the promotional poster:


Synopsis:
Two people. Simon a promising young cop working part-time as a driver of one of the many "undocumented" and 'illegal' FX taxis in the metro. And Pedro, a 70 year old ex-convict. An unfortunate incident forces the two together to embark on a road trip across the Historic Philippine East Coast.

But, what was expected as an escape route doomed to be a domino of crime begetting crime, becomes a wagon of life choices to them and to the people they meet. The film takes a look at the paradox of the human condition, and the "grayscale" morality that is today's Philippines.

Insight:
Sometimes it's the journey that counts, not the destination. Though the two main characters [can't say they're both protagonists, can't say they're antagonists either] became "friends", their relationship was quite rocky. One minute they’re both nice, the next, one of them becomes neurotic [usually Simon] and lethal. They encountered other characters who indirectly changed them: the young lady who wants to abort her child, the preacher who’s corrupts people, a frustrated and suicidal writer, and others with minor roles.

The ending's really tragic but predictable. You can't always have happy endings, after all. I feel so sorry for the old man since the beginning. He's still pitiful in the end. Helpless. Old people begging for forgiveness [especially to their child] is unbearable for me.

But! Though there were a lot of tragic scenes especially in the end, there were a few good laughs too! Really! It was goOoOod.


So there ya go. My first [of the many-to-come-hopefully] Cinemalaya experience.

Here are the list of winners that I got from GMANews.TV.
Best Film: “Last Supper No. 3″
Special Jury Award: “Colorum” and “Ang Panggagahasa Kay Fe” (tie)
NETPAC Award: “Baseco Bakal Boys”
National Council for Children’s Television Award: “Dinig Sana Kita”
Audience Choice (Full Length): “Dinig Sana Kita”
Best Director: GB Sampedro (”Astig”)
Best Actress: Ina Feleo (”Sanglaan”)
Best Actor: Lou Veloso (”Colorum”)
Best Supporting Actress: Tessie Tomas (”Sanglaan”)
Best Supporting Actor: Arnold Reyes (”Astig”)
Best Screenplay: “Nerseri”
Best Cinematography: “24K”
Best Production Design: “Mangatyanan”
Best Editing: “Astig”
Best Musical Score: “Dinig Sana Kita”
Best Sound Recording: “Astig”

Best Short Film: “Bonsai”
Special Jury Award: “Blogog”
Audience Choice (Shorts): “Tatang”
Best Director (Shorts): Dexter B. Cayanes (”Musa”)
Best Screenplay (Shorts): “Behind Closed Doors”

*****


[07.20.2009]
I got to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at ATC. I should be doing something else entirely different that day but for the sake of spontaneity— I went with them.

Spontaneity!
[I'm starting to like that word. ]

I gotta say this though: bitin. Ugh. I don't know if I liked it or not. There were a lot of humorous scenes, by the way. I didn't expect that. One scene that I was really excited to watch was the death of sir Dumbledore. It was kind of a let down. [No, I'm not a rabid fangirl screaming about this. I'm not gonna say too much "in the book this, in the book that". I'd just like to comment about it.]

Book: Harry was immobilized by Dumbledore. He witnessed the headmaster's death and he couldn't do anything about it. I'm not sure but… I think he was invisible that time too coz of the invisibility cloak so no one other than Dumbledore knew he was there.

Movie: Harry was in some room [below where Dumbledore was] when Snape found him. Dumbledore was cornered by the Death Eaters [mga alagad ni Voldy]. Since Snape pointed his wand at Harry, Harry "couldn’t do anything". Then Dumbledore was killed.

I don't know. I just liked how the book goes "helpless Harry stuck in place". The desperation… the grief... Ah well, there was also those emotions in the movie scene… but just not helpless enough. He was mobile. He could dodge Snape's attacks for all we would know. [Since he's such a boy wonder, special and all that. Ugh.] Then he could make a diversion or something and flee with Dumbledore. But, yeah, since he's just a kid, perhaps he couldn't pull it off. [So he's not such a boy wonder anymore?] Why am I contradicting myself?


Going back to my point: There's just something in the moment… about being immobile while witnessing something so… agonizing. Oh the woe.


Oh well. Kanya-kanyang interpretasyon nga naman.

Moving on! Here are some pics I took that night. [It's very posed, funny.] I loved hanging out with Jonah, Tania, and May.


May and Tania
These two were the most excited about watching HP6.



May, Jonah, Tania, and yours truly.
We found a guy nearby and threatened him to take a picture of us. LOL Nah, we asked himawkwardly nicely.



This was taken outside the mall.
Target sign: Cinemas



This shot was supposed to be the lights hanging on tree branches.
It looked nothing like it, no?
That is because just when I clicked on the shutter, someone jerked my arm. Thus, it produced this blurred image.
May thinks it’s cool. I think her inner artistic flare was up that night.
It looked more like falling comets than hanging lights.



Guess where we were. XD



May and I: last pic before going home.
I don't know what kind of a funny face I intended to make here. Epic fail.



*****


[08.02.2009]
I browsed around my cookbooks and like always, I had the urge to cook/prepare pasta. Now, really, it happens to me like a hundred times: I browse - I feel the urge - I go to the supermarket - I lose the urge. No, there's nothing within the supermarket that makes me lose that urge to cook, it makes me more excited actually. I see all these pots and pans and other stainless utensils and... I have the urge to like buy 'em all. I drift to cooking wonderland where I am a good chef [not master chef— I could never upstage my family] and I have great time with meat and vegetables. But then after that excitement, well... I dunno. I just lose it.

So! I realized how I'll never get anywhere if that always happens— so! I simply have to force myself. I went to the supermarket on Saturday, got the ingredients that I want, and cooked the pasta on Sunday. I didn’t follow the exact recipe. I omitted some ingredients, I added some... ok, ok, perhaps I completely altered it. I can be fickle sometimes. So yeah, I made my own Italian spaghetti... with broccoli... just coz I crave for broccoli... so tempting. I put plenty of Parmesan cheese too. *totally didn't care na too much of it ay bawal*

So there goes the pic. I know, I know. Presentation = 0pts. I was hungry by the time it was done, so...

Oh wait, I know you had to ask: so how was it? Does it taste good? Does it taste awful? Does it even have a taste?
Well! It tastes… fine, actually. I just think I put a little bit too much ground black pepper though. Lol But it wasn't bad. Hooray!

This is the beginning of my legend!
[not]
This is the beginning of my cooking experience!

I just wish my mom was here. She'll love to criticize me in the kitchen.


*****


There are 2 movies I'd like to watch this month:
The Time Traveler's Wife
- based on the novel (I knew it sounds awfully familiar!)
- sci-fi, romance


The song on the trailer is Broken by Lifehouse (--a favorite).

Post Grad
- just coz I like to watch Alexis Bledel on screen (LOL) and seems interesting.. perhaps something about it will inspire my future post grad self about.. whatever lol..



Another movie I'd like to watch that I don't know yet when it'll be released is: Veronika Decides To Die. It's also based from a novel. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Veronika and Paulo Coelho liked her performance. I must watch this (then I might read the book).




*****


For next year, here is the movie I can’t wait to watch!
Tim Burton's take on Alice In Wonderland!
I love fairytales that are altered. I love fairytales that go modern. I love fairytale remakes. Hee hee hee...
Just as a long as it's not corny, too mushy, or shallow.

I found the teaser on youtube.
I love the costumes.
Can't wait.

Labels: awesome, event, melancholy, movie, ponder, psychology, video

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood:
listening to: none

And so,
like any other dreadful day in my life,
this day finally came.

When I get back home today,
I'll start the life I left behind
45 days ago.

Honestly,
I don't want to go back.
I'd rather have this life with Mom.
But I know it won't happen...
Yet.

Time to immerse myself
in tangeble things again.
I need to be distracted.

I won't care what anyone says anymore
because they don't know
and they won't feel
the loneliness I feel
for the rest of the days
(approximately 320 days)
of the year that I have to live.

Being an only child,
you'd think I would've gotten
used to this.
But I guess...
I won't.

Cherish your parents
and your siblings.
You're lucky to have them.

Please pray for my mother's safe trip[s].

Labels: melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood:
listening to: none

6hrs of sleep in three days.
10hrs of sleep on the fourth day.
My body succumbed to exhaustion.
Neither caffeine nor sugar could save me from my sleepiness.
Irritation and anxiety is still evident.

Pero at least I'm almost always an hour early sa OJT.
I feel like I'm not myself.


*****


People usually misunderstood my irritations. They think that I'm mad at them.
Wanna know what's usually the reason?
The truth is... most of the time, I'm irritated at myself.
You see it's not all about you/them.
It's just... me.

Ugh. This is why I hate being sleep-deprived. Kung ano-ano ang naiisip ko.


*****


Mom's been here for 3 days now. Hindi pa kami nakakapagbonding. Kung hindi sya busy, ako naman ang wala. Nakakainis!

They made plans on going to Grandma's tomorrow. Mom just told me tonight. And I thought I'd finally have a weekend "day off" (coz on Sunday I'll have to go to the mall to buy a Theories of Personality book).


*****


I'll probably post something here about our OJT at Cavite Center For Mental Health later. I'm just not in the mood to write anything about it.


*****


I have to cheer myself up somehow... in any way possible.
I need some peace and quiet.
I locked myself up in my room this afternoon.
I sought refuge from plurk and my plurk pals.
I wonder if I would put my blog URL on my profile there.


*****

Here's a photo of the drawing I mentioned earlier on here on my blog:

I might have it photocopied and colored.

*****


Btw, si Mond nagtatrabaho na ngayon sa hotel. Nakita nya si Daniel Radcliffe at kinausap sya! Humingi daw ng ketchup. Walang fans kasi puro businessmen naandun. Mond, bakit hindi ka ngpa-autograph?! Miski pic sa mobile phone mo. One word: SAYANG.

Labels: art, awesome, health and beauty, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: quite melancholic
listening to: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

[WARNING: This entry is a bit dramatic. There's a bit of ranting too. You have been warned.]

Sometimes, life is so great, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.
Sometimes, everything just sucks that you couldn't stop yourself from crying... even if you try your hardest not to.


Some times, I am proud of myself because I am a serious person. But there really are those times when I hate being like this.

I believe in holding onto something or someone if it's what makes you happy. Hold onto it with all your heart. Give your everything.
Unfortunately for me, that something or someone doesn't last... even if I hold my hardest.

I've experienced a lot of those moments in my life. All things are temporary. People always leave. Yadda yada. What hurts me most about right now is... the realization that even through all of this, I always chose to stay. A family member leaves me, I stay. A friend leaves and I stay. Heck, even my computer "leaves" and I stay.

Why don't I leave first?
Maybe because I can't.

"Mia, why do you chose to stay?"
"Because they're here."
"If they have their chance, they'll leave you know."
"I know."
"Why are you being stubborn? If they leave, you'll understand. If you leave, they'll understand it too."
"I'm not like them. I am not like everyone... even from the beginning."
"..."
"It doesn't feel right [for me] if I leave first..."

"What will you do when they leave then?"
"I don't know."
"Will you still stay?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
"So that if ever they need me, they'll know where to find me."

I feel so stupid right now.
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much because even though I'm very much conscious with my stupidity I...


*****


I am always an option.
I am always second best... or third.
And even if I were the first option or even if I am the best, I am still the one being left behind. (You know what I mean, people will always have their reasons.)
Bakit ganoon?
Ayoko sana maging affected pero...


*****


People can always count on me but I couldn't count on them (multiple reasons). I always keep my promises and if I know there's a possibility that I can't, I'd say "I'll try." If I wasn't able to do it, I'll apologize pervently.

If anything will happen to me, it's sad to think that I won't have a straight thought of whom to call... because everyone's far away or everyone's busy or everyone's unreachable or I wouldn't want to bother them. (It's usually the last one. I'm afraid that they'll get tired of me or that they'll get turned off by me... for whatever reason.)

When I feel that I can get close, I will and then I'll get scared but I still I'll stay and I won't go away... so what happens next is... time will come when that person (whatever my relation is to him/her) will "drift" away and there's nothing I could do about it.

This is why I don't believe in "you make your own destiny" crap. I strongly object that saying. If I'm given the time and knowledge to make a very long-winded argument about it, heck I'll make a thesis and might even publish it!

[sarcasm mode]
Oh so you chose to be depressed from being raped by someone you know?
So since it's your destiny and you apparently made it, you did a magic spell to make your father leave you at a very young age for whatever sick reason he had that led to your current psychological father-issues.
You chose a destiny of failure on your math exam so that you would take a remedial class in summer vacation when your friends are all happy and basking in the sun?

What, masochistic moron?
[sarcasm mode end]

*sigh* Talk about weather change: I went from feeling very sad and worthless to feeling bitter and annoyed.


*****

And now I wonder...
I wonder...
Why can't there be someone like me... for me?

Ok, I'm not pertaining for someone who's exactly like me (that would be impossible), maybe I'm just looking for… someone who'll value me enough to make me feel that… I'm really, really important (outside of the family circle).


*****

Ano... guys, don't worry, this is not about him. I'm over him na for months. (Thank goodness for that.) This entry is more of a general thing, a general anxiety. I've thought of this multiple times in the past but this is the first time that I actually wrote... or rather blogged about it.


*****


I say I don't want to trust right away but subconsciously, I will.
I say I don't want to expect anything but subconsciously, I do.
I say I don't want to get close but in truth, I want to because at that time I feel happy.
I say I don't want this anymore but... I'd rather have it than nothing at all.

And then there's this sadness again. *sigh* I hate it.

In the end of my complaints, I should just say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

Goodbye sa mga umalis at bye-bye na rin sa mga may balak umalis.
I'm just here.


Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to my cheerful self. Hopefully.


*****


Sis, if you're reading this, (you're most probably not because you don't have the time nor interest to read my blog anyhow-- like 95% of the time) don't deny the fact that when I call you, you always have something to do. You won't have the chance to ask me why I called in the first place. If I text you (because I'm not home), we won't get to talk either because you don't have load and if you'd call that time, I'm not home. By the time one of us get to contact each other (when you need something or when I'm not hurting that much anymore), my problem won't matter much anymore because I had my catharsis already by crying myself to sleep in an untimely hour.

Yes, times like this makes me mad at you... but you're still my best friend. So my temporary anger won't matter after it passes.

*sigh* I just need to let this out. I feel like it's eating me inside again.


*****


To all of you who would scoff while reading my thoughts above and give comments about how "emo" I am at the moment, don't be a hypocrite.

In the words of Hiei, "There is no one who does not carry scars on his heart. If there were someone in the world like that, he would be a shallow soul."

*****


Do you ever think about what a lonely and/or depressed person could do when (s)he is alone?

I mean, I could drown myself and lock the door and no one will even know of it... till after 10 hours at least.

Ok bad joke, sorry.


*****


A few minutes after I came home, alone again, I noticed my right eye itches.
I saw that it's quite red.
A virus perhaps?

I hope it's gone by the time I wake up in the morning. I have to be at the Psych Lab. I wouldn't want to contaminate people there and I refuse to wear sunglasses there.


*****


Mom called. She said that she went to a doctor. She's fine, thank God. I cried while listening to her... but I have a pretty good fake voice so she didn't even notice.

I let my mom know how much I love her, usually through my letters. I tell her on the phone before we would hang up (all the time, except at times when she's so mad she'd hang up on me without the pleasant goodbye-s) but I can't seem to tell her face to face on a very serious moment. I'm not good with drama... even though it's odd that my eyes usually look pretty after I cry.


*****


There seems to be a problem with plurk. I couldn't log in nor view pages. The site always seem to load only half way. I wonder why.


*****


I finally put up a new skin as you can see. It's still under construction, I have to transfer stuff and edit things.


****

Got to go back downstairs and force myself to eat. I look horrible for a few days na.

Labels: melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

*sigh* I'm sick and tired of watching what I eat. Kung kelan may gana na akong kumain, ngayon pa ako bibigyan ng dietary list. Oh the irony.

Tita Risma and Grandma are staying here for a few days. I'm gonna stuff myself with crabs, lobsters, cheese, and whatever's in the refrigerator. I mean, I already have a stone. My future problem will be if it will get stuck through my urinary track again like last time. It's almost inevitable, so why have a diet now?

[Err maybe because if it grows too large, it will deliberately obstruct your kidney and you'll have a bigger operation to deal with! Geez!]

Am I a masochist?
Am I suicidal?

I don't know yet but I do know that I'm FRUSTRATED.

Labels: health and beauty, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: pessimistic
listening to: none

I just finished watching Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo. (I think that's the title.) I just have to blog this so I could remind my future self this one thought that I realized. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I'm gonna make it rhyme just for the heck of it.

Everyone lies
Especially guys
What sets us apart
Is how one masters the art
Of lying and deceiving
While planning and hiding
Did not even consider
The conscience as reminder
And even after, the thought
Of the pain it brought
So if time will come
You plan to cheat on your hon
Better have a good plan
Coz if she catches you
The whole world will "Boo"

I know it sounded great at first, then the choice of words became less mature than how I intended it will be. I wanna write a better poem.

Labels: art, melancholy, movie

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: worried
listening to: my heartbeat

I can't sleep. My left kidney is bothering me again. It's been three days that I feel discomfort on my left side. At first, I didn't bother the subtle pain but now, well, it's obviously swollen. A stone is probably stuck again. I feel discomfort when sitting and lying (hence the could-not-sleep-yet stage). I want to calm down but I can't stop crying. I'm using this blog for catharsis since I know I can't call anyone at this time and I've no load.

I wouldn't want to bother anyone anyway so..

I've decided to wait for a week (to confirm if it's really a stone-- if I bleed or experience excrutiating pain) and then maybe get a CT-scan. I hate fasting. I could not go on an hour without eating something here at home.

My poor kidney...
I'm so sorry.

I know I don't blog as "frequent" as before; been really busy and tired lately: thesis, midterms, and other school activities (intrams, etc). But they're over (except the thesis.. or experimental research was it..).

I'll just pray it will somehow pass my urinary tract and out of my body so I don't need another operation, "wasting" money again for my weak, dysfunctional body. If my left kidney was 20-30% damaged then, I don't want it to be damaged that much this time-- the doctors might think of taking it out of my body. I know I will still have my right kidney but then if another freakin stone will.. God forbid.. *sigh* Yeah, I am depressed. Just when I thought things couldn't get more bleak-- it does.

I'm facing a familiar health dilemma.
I don't wanna miss classes again.
Sa darating na Oktubre-- isang taon na ang nakalipas.
I hate being alone at times like this.
It's so hard but there's nothing I could do.

Labels: health and beauty, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: mal
listening to: Pwede Ba - Soapdish

Pwede bang sabihin mo
Na itatago mo ang mga sulat ko
Kasi medyo maiinis ako
Kung itatapon mo.

Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa.

At pwede bang sabihin mong,
"Maghihintay ako sa'yo..."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo

Pwede bang isipin mo
Nahihirapan din naman ako
Sa paghintay lang ng kung anu-ano
Magmumula sa'yo

At 'wag kang magtataka
Kung ako'y biglang makita
Na nag-iisa
Hakahiga lang sa kama
Iniisip ko ito,
"Ba't nga ba biglang nagbago?"
Makayanan ko sana 'to.

Pwede bang sabihin mong,
"Maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo...

At pwede ba.. pwede ba.. pwede ba?

May natandaan ako dati.. at miss kita. Haha.

Labels: melancholy, song lyrics

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: sad
listening to: Desperately by Michelle Branch

I saw the person I've been missing so much today. (At first I looked at him like I'm in a trance or somethin' then I asked May and Len, "Hey, is he who I think he is?" ROFL Yeah I'm a dork.. a myopic dork..) He looks fine and happy. It's quite sad that my predictions became true. (Most of my predictions come true, I swear.) In high school, we're so close. Now it's like "see ya when I see ya". *sigh* Well, that's one of the big sacrifices I made in the past.

It somehow makes me ponder about my decisions back then [again]. He asked more than 3 times.. I declined all those times. I didn't trust him enough. I didn't trust him because I wanted him to make sure that he's really over her. I'm not the type of girl who'd want to be for rebound. [Hell no.] But somehow.. Somehow.. I suppose I do regret a lot of things in the past. I was too defensive. I was too.. innocent. I was a neophyte when it comes to relationships. My defense mechanisms and fears held my decisions. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I mean, they're called defense mechanisms for a reason, you know?

But still..

Maybe I should've been more stubborn.

Something 'bout the way you looked at me
Made me think for a moment
That maybe we were meant to be
Living our lives seperately
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you
So desperately

I wonder.. what could've happened if I said, "Yes." Will we be happy? Will we be together right now? Or will you eventually break it off with me anyway?

Perhaps these random thoughts occur for the mere fact that I miss him so terribly. I miss the things we do, the things we talk about, all those of what we share.. memories.. experiences.. *sigh* Mag-senti ka ba, Mia?

It was noon today that sis Chamie gave me a missed call on my mobile. I was getting ready for school. I thought she needs to talk to me or something. I called her. She simply said, "Wala lang. Naisip lang kita." She told me she's been looking at our memorabiliasss. I teased her, "Aba mag-senti ba?"

Yeah. Mas madalas ako mag-senti, Chamie. There's never a time that I stop thinking. Sometimes I wish to just stop. But then again, we know what that means. LOL I'm not ready to give in to insanity or death yet, thank you very much.

It's been like almost 4 years that we became friends. Hope it will last a lifetime. Yeah, friends. It would be great to have your first love as your friend for the rest of your life.

What am I saying, we are friends! Yeah. Friends. But not close friends anymore. Sad, isn't? Why did it became like this? *sigh* Like I'll always say, "Hayaan na lang. It was our decision naman din eh."

But still..

I do miss him terribly.

Perhaps there is.
Perhaps there isn't.
Perhaps it should've been.
Perhaps...
Perhaps...
For now, it's "perhaps".
We'll never know.

Note: Malakas ang loob ni Mia mag-post ng ganito kasi alam nyang hindi naman to nababasa. LOL

Labels: friendship, melancholy, school, song lyrics

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

I wish to become numb from everything.
I wish to be the master of repression.

Why did I grew up to be such a serious person? I worry a lot. I give importance to even the little, simple things. I try to be more laid-back.. but it's hard to adjust right away.

I'm tired and sick of everything. That's the truth. The entries here is of only those times when I feel slightly happy-- or at the very least, trying to look on the better side of life. (I generally call them distractions.) But really, the truth is.. ayoko na. There's this inevitable point in time when I'm really loosing myself with everything that's happening. Perhaps what keeps me going on is my Mom and God (the main ones, and of course, my friends). The latter because I fear Him. The first because I owe/love her that much.

*sigh*

Sawang-sawa na ako.
I don't wanna live this way.

"Neng, iilang beses lang talaga sa taon na nakikita/nararamdaman kitang masaya."

'I'm sorry, Mom. I have to put my cold, almost apathetic front when I'm talking with you. I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I also don't want to seem as if I'm happy without you (God knows I'm not). I know you've been suffering for so long too. You of all people deserve to be happy. I could say I'm like the luckiest daughter in the world for having you as my mom. And so I'd rather suffer alone. I'd never admit to you the level of misery I feel every damn day...'

Maybe autistic people are lucky after all.

Sis Chamie, I miss you. I look forward to our plans on Saturday. I desperately need your company. It's been so long since we've talked.

May, Len, Kuya Norman, Ate She, and others, thanks for your support and company in school. I cherish every moment I spend with you guys. I really do. You guys.. and the sessions with Mrs. Barron.. are generally the reasons why I'd still want to go to school even though I always feel like I'd like to stop any time soon. I sound utterly pathetic, don't I?

And YOU...
You said you'll make me happy.
You said you won't leave me.
Where are you when I needed you the most?
If I only listened to my fears before,
maybe I wouldn't be in this fatal situation.
And yet..
And yet..
I remain stupid.
Even if we take the stupid off.
It's still [almost] the same..
the fact that "I remain."

I'd like to just sleep this but.. I still have homework, dinner to do, and reports/research waiting for me. This frail body might not handle the stress any longer.. But I hope.. that if it would happen-- that my body will eventually surrender-- I hope.. my mind won't.

I'm pathetic and ashamed of it.

My whole being hurts.

Labels: family, friendship, melancholy, school

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: not so good
listening to: none

"If all else perished,
And he remained,
I should still continue to be;
And if all else remained,
And he were annihilated,
The universe would turn to a mighty stranger."
~ Wuthering Heights

I'd just finished Eclipse; May returned it to me this afternoon. I continued from where I left off after I had dinner. (It was a few days ago that I decided to no longer wait. It was as if the book itself beckoned me.) I was seriously trying not to cry on the later chapters that indicate conclusion (almost) from Bella to Jacob. Perhaps because I've already experienced similar circumstances that's why I could feel my chest tighten while I was reading. (I was Jacob in the situation-- no, I wasn't pushy like him, in fact, I am nothing like him.) Still, as I am typing this, my chest hurts. It is as if I swallowed too much water and that my lungs could not handle it any longer. I did try my hardest not to cry while reading. I really did. A few drops escaped and that was it, but I feel proud I didn't weep. Though with the heaviness of my chest right now, I'm not so sure anymore what I should've done.

Am I repressing? Is it really repression when I didn't intend it to happen? I am confused about it. I mean, usually with an emotion this strong, my normal self would probably bury her face on her hands or on her pillow, or stare blankly with waterfalls constantly flowing on both eyes...

I remember that one time when sis Chamie was having "love-problems" with her past lover. She told me how she's hurting but she couldn't let out the feeling. She thought of ways to make her cry just so she could fend off that pain accumulated in her chest.

Maybe I'll release this before I sleep. I certainly don't want to "suffocate" to death. This type of difficulty of breathing is nothing like when I'm having my severe allergy attack. It hurts more but it's certainly more tolerable than a runny-nose. Or perhaps it has nothing to do with what I've read earlier. Perhaps it's some chemical reaction.. like low oxygen level in my room. Yeah, maybe that was it. (Though I'm sure my room is sufficiently ventilated.)

The quote from The Wuthering Heights was exactly the way I felt.

Labels: book, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: gloomy
listening to: none

Most people think I have it easy. Most of them say I'm lucky. I suppose my carefree mask is more effective than I thought. Then again I only let those people close to me know my predicaments. (Only few of them actually care enough to look beyond the facade.) There would also be those times when I put my thoughts and feelings through something.. like drawings, pictures, poems, prose, and yes, my blog. I posted some on my old blog. Unfortunately, due to some kind of html error (might be from my part.. I don't know), my posts are not visible-- only the bolded, italized, and underlined words are. *sigh* I really don't know what happened with my editing. I kept checking the font color; they're all correct and effective in the past.

So yeah, I suppose I am in the mood to write about my gloomy state, but vagely at that. I've been meaning to do this for days, I just don't put enough effort to log on blogger. *sigh* Aside from saying that I'm feeling pretty down and lethargic lately, I guess I could also post some of the lighter news here. Let's see.. I'll be fully enrolled tomorrow with May. I already saw our schedule: for MWF it's 2pm-8pm and for TTH it's 2:30pm to 7pm. I would've been satisfied with the schedule if it starts at the usual 1pm so that right after I eat lunch I'll go directly to school and then the last hour of class would've moved to an earlier time-- but hey, I don't make schedules so.. *sigh* In addition to that, we have 3 major subjects: Experimental Psychology [help.. peep!], Cognitive and Learning Psychology, and Clinical and Abnormal Psychology-- the latter two being Seminar in Psychology (I and II).

I got off the phone with Mom earlier. I asked permission if I could have keyboard/piano lesson every Saturday, seeing as I have Saturdays vacant now. Luckily, she's fine with that. On Saturdays, I could also work on my cooking and Spanish-- both self-study. I own 3 cookbooks already and it's time to put it in use. As with my Spanish, well, I'll need to go into it further since I'll have to talk to the Consulate before I turn 21. It has something to do with retaining my citizenship. I still have my notes from Sr. Ricci (high school freshman year, my old tape recorder (for the tutorial feel), and my mom's old Spanish-English dictionary. I'm planning to buy books soon too.

In relation to driving, Mom said we could put it off since I'll actually need a car and I know I won't have it by this year or in the next. Besides, priority on her list would be a house of our own in this country. (Still don't have an specific location.) Then after that, she might want a house somewhere in Europe. (She's considering in Spain.) So yeah. Keyboard, cooking, and Spanish lessons first before driving, Japanese (I'm not going to limit myself to just self-study when it comes to Japanese), and whatever-else lessons I'll have in mind. I get to cross out some things from my Things To Do Before I Die list. Yay.

Those are going to be my distractions in the near future. At the moment, I'm pretty satisfied of how I cleaned my room. Also aside from cleaning, rearranging some things, and tidying up some clutters, I also threw away stuff that I don't need-- something I absolutely refused to do in the past. (Mom: Mia, basurera ka talaga.) I have this somewhat "sentimental attachment" with err certain things so it's kinda hard to throw or give them away, but I've decided that I have to. In the next two years, I'll need to throw away a lot of stuff anyway since I'll be moving to London so I thought I better start preparing for that now. Here's a picture of my desk-- the before and after shot:


If my mom were here and she saw how my past desk looked like, she'll probably had me arrested.. or something.
Pardon the shot; I wasn't in the mood to edit.

As you can see, I removed all of my little stuffed toys/cute paperweight figures (except my Yusuke figure coz I'll love it till I grow old damn it), some books and [the cheap] manga~s. I also rearranged some books. About the pink Disney mug I bought from London (the one near Yusuke.. if you can find Yusuke, that is), I've no clue where to put it so I put it randomly in front of the manga~s. I'll try to find a better place to put it.. and what to put in it seeing as my other purple mug has pens and stuff in it already. Now it looked like there's some sophistication to it, huh? *sigh* Still can't believe I'll turn twenty soon. In two months to be exact. I can't feel it though. Hayz.

Aside from cleaning my room, I recently bought a corkboard. As a teen, I've always wanted a corkboard and posters in my room. I'm living in an apartment with a very light coral-like wall color that it seemed err.. rather impolite to put random posters around. I did put two posters (Yu Yu Hakusho and Naruto-- both gifts) on one obscure corner though. I couldn't resist. If I had my own room, I'd go crazy designing it. I'd buy the bed sheets, curtains, pillows, arm chairs, lamps and other furnitures that I want. I'd have a wall dedicated to a collage of pictures, autographs, etc. I'd have a big bookshelf.. my cork board of sorts.. throw pillows I could faint on.. some character shrine out of my would-be obsession.. ok gotta cross that one out. I need to remind myself that I'll be around 23 when that time comes damn it. The shrine thing was a joke though if I were 14 I would've done that. Time's cruel, you know.

Going back to my corkboard. I got excited with the thought of designing it. The problem lies solely on that though. I don't know where to start! (I did some search on the net last night.) I do have some ideas before the err "research" but I still don't like them. Too random. Usually random is good, but I'd like my cork board somewhat.. organized. I'd put a Things To Do section.. a Things To Remember section.. Upcoming Important Events section.. Random Pictures section (if only I have a Polaroid).. Random Mag Cut-out Articles section.. among other things that would eventually come to me. I just need to work on the design. Ribbons would be a given. Maybe I should check out the scrapbook section at the mall some time. I'll post a pic of it here when I'm done.

*sigh* I'll post my Tag answers here later. I'm still procrastinating on that, sorry. Well, gotta eat dinner now. It's rather late, I know. I woke up late too anyway. Peace out.

Labels: melancholy, plans, random, schedule, school

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".