I guess... you forgot how strong I am.
I have always been.

And I guess... you forgot that sms you sent to me during my birthday week, the time when Lem was sick.
You said I'm strong-willed, independent, and responsible... that it's not hard to love me.
That hasn't changed and it will never change, because yes, that is me... The "best kind of girlfriend".. "understanding".. "patient".. "kind".. "forgiving".. "masarap mahalin".. "hindi mahirap pakisamahan".. "mabait".. at kung anu-ano pang naiisip/nasasabi ng mga tao.. at kung anu-ano pang online quizzes with the same results ang nag-de-describe sa akin...

I am not all those just to please people.
I am not all those just to be praised.
I am not all those to be liked.
I am all those because that is me.


Yes, I do hurt at times because I miss you terribly.. I'd like to spend time with you.. talk to you.. However, the pain, disappointments, and whatnots will not change how much I love you.
It's just like my favorite Shakespeare sonnet:

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."
~ William Shakespeare; Sonnet CXVI

Big or small life-changing events.. misunderstandings.. "arguments".. others of the like.. we'll survive it.
I believe in us and our love for each other.
Yes, even if you're weak-willed, pessimistic, negative, and depressive.
I believe it's good to have these challenges. It makes us grow and evolve together. Besides, it's inevitable in any relationship. If there were none of these, then there's clearly something wrong. LOL

I'll give you space for a week since that's what you want.. though really, since I don't demand much; even from before you do have enough space.. well, from my perspective, at least. I won't text as much.

I appreciate all the efforts you give. I appreciate even the little time and attention you give. I know you are hurting too. Who wouldn't be, right? Tiis-tiis muna, ganyan ka ka-busy eh. If you [start to] resent schoolwork or your school-life, do not resent me by extension. I have done nothing to hinder your academic progress and you know well how I fully support on that and education in general.

I agree about what you said, hoping that your lack of time and attention to me won't be an issue. Well, I have no intention about making it an issue. But let's say if ever it does become an issue in the future, we can always talk about it and resolve it.

I wish you are well.

I wish everyone I love is well, even if not happy.
You can't always be happy, you know. Pretty absurd.

I will be fine.
I have been fine; so, yeah no reason not to think/be otherwise.

Cheers to positivity!
No, I am not in denial nor turning a blind eye nor suppressing.
Yes, I can be naive at times but I'm not stupid nor blind. I just prefer to look at the good things, nothing wrong with that.
People should try that more often.
You can have your period of frustration, lethargy, depression, and the like... but then recover afterwards. Learn to stand up and go forward again.

On a side note, I learned a simple piano piece-- a recent favorite song of mine by Augustana. I found another piece, a different version, I'd master it after I master this. This will do for the meantime, since Drix still doesn't have any contact with his friend.
I'm excited to learn. I bought a music book, but I still prefer hands-on tutorial. Iba pag tao ang teacher (hindi internet o libro).


¡Tome el cuidado siempre, mis amigos!

Labels: love, optimism, piano, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"'Wag mo akong iiwan," he whispered while hugging her tight.
Without saying anything, she shook her head gently.


I hope you won't leave me either.
Because... I won't know how to recover from you.

I believe God gave you to me for a very good reason.
He wants me to be loved, to feel loved, and to believe that I could and would be loved again.
You're my gift from above.

I also believe He wants you to be equally happy.
He wants you to have someone [other than your family and close friends] who will always be there for you, who will be faithful and loyal to you, who will be honest with you, who will believe in you, who will accept you for who you are as well as who you are not, and whom you can trust with your heart.

I could feel this.. this strong connection.. this sort of force so strong that I couldn't just let you go. It's like a magnet. It's quite euphoric.

I am elated as well when you told me how you feel, because I feel the same way about you.


I will take my chances with you.
I will stick to my belief that God gave you to me... so that my worries of you being "taken back" by Him will diminish even just a little, enough to lessen my anxiety of it.
I know I can't fight God's will, really no argument on that part, but if there's any means to make you stay... hopefully, I will be that reason-- just as you told me what happened in the past, "It's you. You are the reason."


*deep breath*
It is the present that is important.
I intend to enjoy every bit of it.
I shall be optimistic.
Tomorrows will look bright.




I am not very good with verbally expressing my feelings so I decided to blog about it. I need to get this off my chest in some form or another. It's a good thing he doesn't know of this link. Only a few people know of this link. It's a good thing I didn't post it on my plurk page, else "the world" would know just how sappy I could sound at times. *shrugs* I know that I will continue to write about my issues here and at some point, this blog would become.. for the lack of a better word to describe it-- insufferable.. and quite possibly repetitive like my old one but.. eh... bleh. I will write whatever I want.

Labels: love, melancholy, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

After waiting for so long...
I hope this time, I got it right.
I hope he feels the same way.
I sincerely do.


I'm going to lower my wall.
I'm going to open up my heart.
It may take time, but I will get there.
I'm going to live.


Love makes you vulnerable.


Hope, hope, and hope.
Take a deep breath.


As long as you feel the person is worth every stab of pain in your chest.
Hold on.
Don't let go.

Labels: love, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

listening to: Migraine by Moonstar88

You have to analyze your feelings first before you dive any further.

LOVE
IN LOVE
MISS
OBSESSION

They're all different.

You can love someone without being in love with him/her.
Just because you think of him/her constantly doesn't mean it's love. It could be obsession.
When you miss someone, it doesn't mean you still love him/her. Missing is just missing. You could be trying to put something that isn't there naturally.
You enjoy his/her company because [s]he is really a fun person. Are you attracted to him/her or just his/her personality?

And there will be times when you're totally oblivious of what really is happening.

It's that time when you think [s]he is no more than a friend or an acquaintance to you. Gradually, sympathy would evolve to care and care will evolve into like, then eventually love. But it's still different from being in love, isn't it?



When you put a word on a feeling, somehow it intensifies, doesn't it?

That's why don't conclude right away.

Sometimes it's just hormones. Pretty misleading. It could pass.


Do you stop your feelings before it evolves?

What are you afraid of?

Do you deliberately push yourself to feel something that is not naturally there?

Who are you fooling?

Is it worth it?


Oh dear, my thoughts are all over the place, I wonder if there's any consistency among them.

Oh well. I'll leave it like that.




One last thing: dear reader, I hope you see through the lies and the facade. A lot of people are masters of manipulation and deceit.


It's nice how I tend to blog a lot recently. Hope I didn't jinx it.

Labels: ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: feel miserable
listening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids

[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]

My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.


For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.

I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.

This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".


I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?

After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?

I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.

I want to go back to my old self.


By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.



:+:+:+:+:
[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]


Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.

Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.

You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.

As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?




One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.

So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.

Labels: melancholy, optimism, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: a bit excited
listening to: none

I need stimulation.
I feel like I have to do something different.
I'm pretty excited about changing something about myself, well, physically.
Hair dye will have to wait-- after grad.
Henna on my [secret] and [secret] will also have to wait.

Piercing! I had plans like years ago [I think that was sophomore year] that I'd get a second set of ear piercing.
Just a stub on both ears.
But does that violate my body? I mean, "the body is like a temple", right? Is that a violation?
Make-up, as something that is applied and can be removed as easily, I think, is not so bad. A piercing, however, is like a permanent mark. Also, since it's intentional, will that double the "penalty"?

Then there are risks for allergies, infections, etc.

Great.
Now I feel like I should talk to a priest first or something.
I'm not that religious but if this will be the hindrance to Paradise then I'll be seriously pissed.
-_-"


*sigh* So I guess the only safe and convenient change for me is... nail polish.
for now
-_-"


I'm back to being just bored.

Labels: health and beauty, plans, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

listening to: Calling All Angels - Train

"I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and see a really great band, live for the first time, you know, and nobody's saying it, but everybody's thinking it: we have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling, but I can't. And if I can't be great at it then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."
~ Peyton Sawyer; One Tree Hill

That's exactly how I feel.
It's too important to me.

Labels: ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: pissed
listening to: none

Person A is a "good" person. Person A then commits a mistake once or twice. Person A becomes an eye-sore to the population.
Person B is a "bad" person. Person B did something good one or twice. Person B becomes an idol to the population.

let's just say...
"good" - moral
"bad" - immoral


How strange it is that people like Person As better than Person Bs nowadays.
As if one or two mistakes take away years of good deeds.
As if one or two successes/correctness take away years of bad deeds.

It's as if committing a mistake for once degrades a person's worth.
It's as if doing something good for once can justify years of sins.

"Goodbye, good reputation."
"Hello, good reputation."

What, is it just like that? Snap and that's it?


Some people are too close-minded and/or arrogant to think more about this.
They don't analyze the person.
They don't care about the feelings of the people they criticize.



In saddens me.
But it sickens me even more.

Labels: ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: I feel accomplished!
listening to: Utada Hikaru - Flavor of Life

Ok, I edited my 3 most recent blog entries: elaborated them, added pics and vids, and made it one-- like a burger. Err... yeah. Now that made me hungry. Anyway! So this entry is very long and vid-packed, so... enjoy watching... if nothing else.


[07.18.2009]

Cinemalaya 5inco was great. I loved all the films we saw. The short films were good too. Franchez, you should go watch! =D
Thank you so much Pong!

For those who do not know what Cinemalaya is-- it's a film festival held annually in the Philippines (specifically at the Cultural Center of the Philippines in Metro Manila). It features Filipino independent full-length films as well as short films (known as "shorts").

These are the short films that I saw:
[Shorts A]
Andong
Diamante Sa Langit
Maikling Kwento
Putot
Trails of Water

Pong was right on time [perhaps early] there so he got to watch all of 'em. Unfortunately, because I was late [grr] I did not get to watch some of them-- but the ones that I did saw where nice.

The first one was about two brothers who were quite excited to go to this like festival [I really don't know what the celebration was] in a meadow to fly their kite. By the time the siblings came to the meadow, the celebration was over. But that did not stop them from flying the kite. That's especially the part I like. I saw a lot of symbols: the kite, the siblings, the celebration/festival, etc. It could mean a lot of things: The kite symbolizes success as it soars high in the sky. The festival could be like... celebrating the success of these individuals. When the brothers came and found out that the celebration was over, it didn't stop them from flying their kite. Perhaps there's the "no matter what happens, as long as my family’s here" theme. Or it could mean freedom… as the kite flies high in the sky, ready to go wherever the wind takes him. [I'm not going to dive into defiance as the meaning of the kite, you know, with the whole "you can soar in the sky however you want, but you're tied to me" --since the kids exude happiness and contentment.]



...or all the things I said are completely wrong or that I over-analyzed something so simple.

The second one I saw was about this lady whose son [or was it grandson? Oh gosh I forgot na...] recently passed away. The wake was held at this tiny chapel. She was the only one there most of the time. Guess they don’t have relatives around [or they don’t have relatives, period]. Needless to say, she was sad and miserable. One day, a boy came followed by his father. They talked and she felt somewhat consoled. "Misery loves company", after all. I feel so sorry for the woman. It's so hard being alone. The first scene- the bathroom scene—was particularly heartbreaking.

The third movie I saw was set on an obscure village. Residing there was this sort of a… tribe. There was a little girl there who couldn’t speak... or wouldn't. I’m not sure. But it could be... perhaps a sign of Post Traumatic Stress [PTS]. [Take note: loss of speech, refusal to speak, and impaired speech are all different.] There was an incident in her life when people in their village were being murdered and she witnessed it. A close family member was killed. She escaped. Her father resents her afterwards. Maybe he blames her for the incident, I don't know. What I do know is-- she's his daughter. The poor kid witnessed a massacre, give her a break! She's already having a hard time adjusting, the kids in the village make fun of her, and she can't go to school [because she can’t speak... or for whatever reason- if there is other than that]. At least she was alive. Poor girl.

Near the end of the film, it was shown that she's gonna undergo some sort of ritual. [I didn't understand it.] It showed how she wants her father to appreciate her and that she wants her family to be proud of her.

Some people just want something as little as acceptance or recognition... Why is it hard to give? Why? I'd understand it if that person is really bad, to the point that people can’t help but shun him/her, but that little girl is innocent. So sad.


After lunchtime, we immediately went to see the full length films. Here are the trailers of the three films we saw [not in order]. I got the synopsis from the main site.


Dinig Sana Kita

Sana Ako'y Marinig

Nais kong sumilong sa dilim ng iyong halik
Magbulag-bulagan mawala lang ang sakit
Gustong malasing sa kakaibang damdamin
Wala nang ngunit ngunit
Wala ring aamin

Nais lumayo sa mundo kong kulungan
Ako'y nakagapos, walang patutunguhan
Gustong makita ang mundo mo sa kabila
Isang sulyap lang, sana may pag-asa

Kahit di mo ako mahalin
Kahit saan mo ako dalhin
Kahit isang saglit
Wala man kapalit
Sana ako'y marinig

Kahit isang saglit
Wala man kapalit
Bakit di mo ako marinig?

[What can I say? I fell in love with the song.]

Synopsis:
The film is a love story between a Deaf boy who loves to dance and a troubled rocker girl who abuses her hearing. One lives in the world of solitude and silence, the other in noise and fear. Crossing paths in a Baguio camp that mixes Deaf and hearing kids, both find that they have more in common with each other including a love for music.

DINIG SANA KITA is the first Filipino film to have a Deaf Actor in a Lead role. Romalito Mallari is a Deaf performer that has played several stage productions as actor and/or dancer. It also features several Deaf actors in the cast and ensemble.

Insight:
It was one of those "opposites attract" theme of love story. Though it was emphasized that the two of them are different because one can hear and the other can't, I think there's something more to think about than simply the concrete details. Take the terms [used in the synopsis] "solitude and silence" and “noise and fear". They're related. In solitude there is the fear of being isolated. Silence can be deafening. See where I'm going here?

The girl in the film feels lonely because of the situation with her parents. It's the somewhat cliché teen angst about lack of parental support / bad home situation = troublesome, lonely teen. It's an issue nowadays that should not be taken lightly. Adolescence is a crucial stage wherein personality is being developed and there is a need to find/develop one's identity.

Whenever the girl feels troubled, she'll seclude herself, diving to her world of noise. Ah contradictions. She feels lonely yet she secludes herself. She wants to "clear" her mind, yet she listens to loud music. On the other hand, the guy is sad because of his own angst but he doesn't seclude himself. He is more accepting. He is more optimistic. He doesn't run away from his problems. He actually does something about them [like giving his mom the ticket to see the show he's in] unlike the girl. Or maybe she's just fed up with trying to communicate with her parents.


Kanya-kanyang way of dealing with things. So...

I must say, I totally didn't expect the ending. The whole time I was thinking, "What's up with that weird buzzing sound she hears?" *sigh* I swear, how could I miss that? It's a clue. But anyway, I loved the movie.



Sanglaan


“Ano kaya ang nararamdaman ng mga taong may-ari ng gamit na yon na isusubasta namin? Paano kung bigay un sa kanila ng magulang nila? O kapatid? O asawa?”


Synopsis:
Sanglaan looks at seemingly simple relationships and uncomplicated events happening in a very mundane institution. A religious and single-minded businesswoman with a losing proposition, afraid of old age. A timid, vulnerable girl hopelessly in love with a high school crush. A security guard whose wife has a fragile heart. A charming and mysterious seaman just passing through. And a loan shark who won't take "no" for an answer. These are some of the characters that populate the milieu of Sanglaan, a light, funny, poignant and very Pinoy story about hope and redemption.

Insight:
It's about letting go, it's about borrowed time, it's about changes. There are a lot of themes within the relationships in this film: love for your spouse, respect for your spouse, love for your child[ren], love for that special someone, trying to understand someone you "hate", making sacrifices, setting your priorities straight, having a goal and going after it, etc.

I begin to wonder what if it was made into a series instead since it has a lot of possibilities Hmm... ok, wondering stops there. If it was made into a series, it will be... changed. It just wouldn't have that factor, that type of emotional impact… that realistic effect-- Pong said that's the charm of indie films after all. So scratch that. It is at its best—an independent Pinoy film. I'm happy I saw this. The night before we saw this, I searched through youtube for the trailer. lol



Colorum

Unfortunately, I found no Colorum trailer at youtube. Have to settle with the promotional poster:


Synopsis:
Two people. Simon a promising young cop working part-time as a driver of one of the many "undocumented" and 'illegal' FX taxis in the metro. And Pedro, a 70 year old ex-convict. An unfortunate incident forces the two together to embark on a road trip across the Historic Philippine East Coast.

But, what was expected as an escape route doomed to be a domino of crime begetting crime, becomes a wagon of life choices to them and to the people they meet. The film takes a look at the paradox of the human condition, and the "grayscale" morality that is today's Philippines.

Insight:
Sometimes it's the journey that counts, not the destination. Though the two main characters [can't say they're both protagonists, can't say they're antagonists either] became "friends", their relationship was quite rocky. One minute they’re both nice, the next, one of them becomes neurotic [usually Simon] and lethal. They encountered other characters who indirectly changed them: the young lady who wants to abort her child, the preacher who’s corrupts people, a frustrated and suicidal writer, and others with minor roles.

The ending's really tragic but predictable. You can't always have happy endings, after all. I feel so sorry for the old man since the beginning. He's still pitiful in the end. Helpless. Old people begging for forgiveness [especially to their child] is unbearable for me.

But! Though there were a lot of tragic scenes especially in the end, there were a few good laughs too! Really! It was goOoOod.


So there ya go. My first [of the many-to-come-hopefully] Cinemalaya experience.

Here are the list of winners that I got from GMANews.TV.
Best Film: “Last Supper No. 3″
Special Jury Award: “Colorum” and “Ang Panggagahasa Kay Fe” (tie)
NETPAC Award: “Baseco Bakal Boys”
National Council for Children’s Television Award: “Dinig Sana Kita”
Audience Choice (Full Length): “Dinig Sana Kita”
Best Director: GB Sampedro (”Astig”)
Best Actress: Ina Feleo (”Sanglaan”)
Best Actor: Lou Veloso (”Colorum”)
Best Supporting Actress: Tessie Tomas (”Sanglaan”)
Best Supporting Actor: Arnold Reyes (”Astig”)
Best Screenplay: “Nerseri”
Best Cinematography: “24K”
Best Production Design: “Mangatyanan”
Best Editing: “Astig”
Best Musical Score: “Dinig Sana Kita”
Best Sound Recording: “Astig”

Best Short Film: “Bonsai”
Special Jury Award: “Blogog”
Audience Choice (Shorts): “Tatang”
Best Director (Shorts): Dexter B. Cayanes (”Musa”)
Best Screenplay (Shorts): “Behind Closed Doors”

*****


[07.20.2009]
I got to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at ATC. I should be doing something else entirely different that day but for the sake of spontaneity— I went with them.

Spontaneity!
[I'm starting to like that word. ]

I gotta say this though: bitin. Ugh. I don't know if I liked it or not. There were a lot of humorous scenes, by the way. I didn't expect that. One scene that I was really excited to watch was the death of sir Dumbledore. It was kind of a let down. [No, I'm not a rabid fangirl screaming about this. I'm not gonna say too much "in the book this, in the book that". I'd just like to comment about it.]

Book: Harry was immobilized by Dumbledore. He witnessed the headmaster's death and he couldn't do anything about it. I'm not sure but… I think he was invisible that time too coz of the invisibility cloak so no one other than Dumbledore knew he was there.

Movie: Harry was in some room [below where Dumbledore was] when Snape found him. Dumbledore was cornered by the Death Eaters [mga alagad ni Voldy]. Since Snape pointed his wand at Harry, Harry "couldn’t do anything". Then Dumbledore was killed.

I don't know. I just liked how the book goes "helpless Harry stuck in place". The desperation… the grief... Ah well, there was also those emotions in the movie scene… but just not helpless enough. He was mobile. He could dodge Snape's attacks for all we would know. [Since he's such a boy wonder, special and all that. Ugh.] Then he could make a diversion or something and flee with Dumbledore. But, yeah, since he's just a kid, perhaps he couldn't pull it off. [So he's not such a boy wonder anymore?] Why am I contradicting myself?


Going back to my point: There's just something in the moment… about being immobile while witnessing something so… agonizing. Oh the woe.


Oh well. Kanya-kanyang interpretasyon nga naman.

Moving on! Here are some pics I took that night. [It's very posed, funny.] I loved hanging out with Jonah, Tania, and May.


May and Tania
These two were the most excited about watching HP6.



May, Jonah, Tania, and yours truly.
We found a guy nearby and threatened him to take a picture of us. LOL Nah, we asked himawkwardly nicely.



This was taken outside the mall.
Target sign: Cinemas



This shot was supposed to be the lights hanging on tree branches.
It looked nothing like it, no?
That is because just when I clicked on the shutter, someone jerked my arm. Thus, it produced this blurred image.
May thinks it’s cool. I think her inner artistic flare was up that night.
It looked more like falling comets than hanging lights.



Guess where we were. XD



May and I: last pic before going home.
I don't know what kind of a funny face I intended to make here. Epic fail.



*****


[08.02.2009]
I browsed around my cookbooks and like always, I had the urge to cook/prepare pasta. Now, really, it happens to me like a hundred times: I browse - I feel the urge - I go to the supermarket - I lose the urge. No, there's nothing within the supermarket that makes me lose that urge to cook, it makes me more excited actually. I see all these pots and pans and other stainless utensils and... I have the urge to like buy 'em all. I drift to cooking wonderland where I am a good chef [not master chef— I could never upstage my family] and I have great time with meat and vegetables. But then after that excitement, well... I dunno. I just lose it.

So! I realized how I'll never get anywhere if that always happens— so! I simply have to force myself. I went to the supermarket on Saturday, got the ingredients that I want, and cooked the pasta on Sunday. I didn’t follow the exact recipe. I omitted some ingredients, I added some... ok, ok, perhaps I completely altered it. I can be fickle sometimes. So yeah, I made my own Italian spaghetti... with broccoli... just coz I crave for broccoli... so tempting. I put plenty of Parmesan cheese too. *totally didn't care na too much of it ay bawal*

So there goes the pic. I know, I know. Presentation = 0pts. I was hungry by the time it was done, so...

Oh wait, I know you had to ask: so how was it? Does it taste good? Does it taste awful? Does it even have a taste?
Well! It tastes… fine, actually. I just think I put a little bit too much ground black pepper though. Lol But it wasn't bad. Hooray!

This is the beginning of my legend!
[not]
This is the beginning of my cooking experience!

I just wish my mom was here. She'll love to criticize me in the kitchen.


*****


There are 2 movies I'd like to watch this month:
The Time Traveler's Wife
- based on the novel (I knew it sounds awfully familiar!)
- sci-fi, romance


The song on the trailer is Broken by Lifehouse (--a favorite).

Post Grad
- just coz I like to watch Alexis Bledel on screen (LOL) and seems interesting.. perhaps something about it will inspire my future post grad self about.. whatever lol..



Another movie I'd like to watch that I don't know yet when it'll be released is: Veronika Decides To Die. It's also based from a novel. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Veronika and Paulo Coelho liked her performance. I must watch this (then I might read the book).




*****


For next year, here is the movie I can’t wait to watch!
Tim Burton's take on Alice In Wonderland!
I love fairytales that are altered. I love fairytales that go modern. I love fairytale remakes. Hee hee hee...
Just as a long as it's not corny, too mushy, or shallow.

I found the teaser on youtube.
I love the costumes.
Can't wait.

Labels: awesome, event, melancholy, movie, ponder, psychology, video

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: pissed
listening to: none

Para sa mga taong ginagawang kumplikado ang pag-ibig at relationship:
* Kung meron kang gustong sabihin, sabihin mo na.
* Kung hindi ka pa over sa kanya, wag kang pumasok sa isang relasyon. Hirap ka na nga, papahirapan mo pa ang ibang tao.
* Kung malungkot ka, aminin mo sa iyong sarili. Muka kang tanga na nakangiting pilit.
* Kung may mahal kang ng iba, aminin mo. Kung nasa relationship ka, makipaghiwalay ka na. (Kasi kung talagang mahal mo siya, wala na dapat ibang hahanapin ang puso mo.)
* Kung makikipaghiwalay ka, sabihin mo ang totoong dahilan kung bakit. The person deserves the truth.
* Kung may nagawa kang masama, gumawa ka ng paraan upang makabawi.
* Kung ikaw ay mali, aminin mo. Kung ma-pride ka at ayaw mo mag-sorry, ipakita mong tinatama mo ang iyong pagkakamali.
* Kung may pinag-sisisihan ka, kumilos ka. Ano, tutunganga ka na lang? Sa tingin mo may magandang dadating kung wala ka namang ginagawa? Ano ka sinuswerte palagi?
* Kung talagang mahal mo siya, magpasensya ka. Kung wala kang pasensya, saan tutungo relationship niyo? Makipaghiwalay ka na lang.
- Saka, pwede mo naman siya sabihan di ba? "Ayoko itong ginagawa mo." Pwede siya magbago para sa iyo (kung gusto niya, kung worth ka para sa kanya kung reasonable ang pinapagawa mo). Lahat naman pwedeng pag-usapan. Basta siguraduhin mo hindi iyon dahil sa selfish feelings/thoughts mo.
* Kung parati ka na lang makikinig sa ibang tao, para saan pa ang sarili mong utak? Saka sila ba ang nasa relationship? Hindi naman di ba?


Most people nowadays are freakin' liars! Users! Sh*tload full of crap!

I'd rather hear the dreadful truth and get hurt, than people telling me lies, making me think of things that are far from what it actually is. Damn it!

Because if people tell you lies, it would seem that you do not deserve to know the truth. That, my friend, is more painful, isn't it?


Time doesn't change people. People change people.

Labels: love, pissed, ponder

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

listening to: Don't Walk Away - Bethany Joy Lenz


The past Sunday I came to church surprisingly early. My head's up in the clouds though so I couldn't say I'm very proud of myself. But anyway, I actually got a seat. I don't know the measurement of the church bench but I could estimate that maybe eight people could fit there. When I came, we were only five. There's a girl and a boy to my left and a woman and a man to my right. There were respectable distances between us so I assumed the pairs don't know each other.

About five minutes after the mass began, a young couple sat beside me. My respectable distance was immediately gone (but it's cool). What annoyed me was the woman who was sitting to my right-- she hardly moved an inch. I wanted to clear my throat so bad but I didn't. I just squirmed on my seat with the old Oreo commercial jingle going on and on in my head. (Squeezed in the middle... Smack dabbed in the middle...) It's a good thing she moved a bit more after five minutes or so. The man beside her was glued to the edge of the bench and she still has that respectable distance so... *sigh* People these days.

I sat uncomfortably. It was distracting me. During the offering, as I was trying to get my money, I heard the man talked to the woman beside me. What the heck-- they actually know each other! I caught a glimpse of similar gold bands on their fingers. Wonder of wonders.

I gave a quick glance to my left. The young couple had a calm, warm vibe even though they're sitting unconveniently.

It was like I was sitting between a time lapse.

I was in the middle of an image of young, passionate love and... well, I couldn't think of a good description for the man and woman at the moment. A word comes to mind though: weariness. There was this cold atmosphere but it did not seem like they were mad at each other. They were really... distant.

I have watched movies and read books of love surviving within the passage of time but it really takes a moment like this when you're actually there and you would see such a sad sight of reality that it makes you wonder... Will that happen to me too?

I took a last glance to my left and saw what I hope for.
I took a last glance to my right and saw what I really, really do not want to happen to me in the future.


*****


I bought a mouse and a headphone yesterday. The discomfort of using my old mouse with the thought of it's foreboding dysfunctionality won't bother me again (for a while that is, until this one gets old). Also now, I could listen to the songs on my player without constantly pulling with the cord.


Anyway, do I look like a pushover?

I was in line and it was a very long line. I wasn't in a peachy mood. There's this lady who made her way beside me and asked if the line was there. I politely said yes. I thought she was going to my back (coz I was obviously in the line) but she stayed there in front of me.

What.. is up with that?

I counted up to ten seconds hoping she realize where she stands. About ten minutes passed and she's still there. Within that ten minutes, I contemplated whether or not I'd talk to her.

Her seemingly helpless expression made me think otherwise. She had that doe eyes.

And so... I remained silent.


*****


I watched some art films recently and liked it. Shout-out to Pong for the dvd! Thanks so much! The Wrestler na lang ang hindi ko pa napapanood. I'll post my review of the movies later.

Franchez, you have to watch Let the Right One In. La pelikula es muy bien. Btw, I just found out that you deleted your blog. Why?

Maan, may American version ang Pan's Labyrinth? I never knew that!

Chamie, ipapalabas ang One Litre of Tears sa GMA? Pls, pls sana maayos ang dubbing. I love it too much, I'm actually scared of pinoy audience reviews.


*****


In regards with our OJT, we ran out of options. We will have it at Trece. For the industrial setting, Jonah and I will have it at a some kind of radio broadcasting company near Star City. I'm getting excited about it. For the educational setting, here's hoping I'd get into the school's HR or Guidance this coming semester after Len and Man.

Labels: movie, plans, ponder, school

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".