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"Why am I making this hard on myself?"
Friday, October 16, 2009 @ 5:39 PM

mood: chirpy
listening to: Happy by Natasha Bedingfield

I love "sembreak".
I love how I could relate so much to this song after such a dark month at school.
Landlords knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my "job" the night before
Can't figure how
I'm gonna fix tomorrow away
If today's still a mess
Can you tell me what's the point man
It all seems meaningless

I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world's trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me
That it's ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie
People hide
People cry
People fight
And they don't know why [NO. They DO know.]
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of [the cause of fear]
Cause fear is only in our heads

Any day I'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I'm blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd be confessing that the enemy
I'm trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it's ok now
What are you worrying about

Keep your grind on, girl
It's your love, it's your world

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"This, too, shall pass."
Sunday, October 11, 2009 @ 11:31 PM

mood: sad yet optimistic
listening to: none

A lot of bad things happened recently.
It makes me think of Murphy's Law.

Still, I have to hold on and do my best.
I wouldn't be me otherwise.

"This, too, shall pass."
That saying helps me calm my nerves [for years].

Take a deep breath and repeat after me...


On a lighter note, I finally got a printer.. I mean a 3-in-1. It's on sale. It's a Canon Pixma MP198, which I conveniently named Pixy. I think we're gonna be close. Thank goodness I don't have to wake up early, go running off to internet cafés, worrying about deadlines and the fee, or other kinds of mishaps along the way...

Also, instead of taking pictures of my drawings, I could simply scan it.


I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Study Spanish in Switzerland?!
Saturday, October 03, 2009 @ 6:01 PM

mood: cheerful
listening to: Ride Of Your Life - John Gregory

Mom and Tita Risma called me from London. It's Tita Risma's last day there. I think it's a 4-day vacation. I would love to have that kind of life. To travel around places, visit family and friends from all over the world. Tita's lucky. She lives in Switzerland and whenever she feels like it, she could travel around Europe with Tito Peter and their dog, Tino. I miss them.

Speaking of Tino, a few days ago as I was looking through photos from my vacation in Switzerland and London, I found a really cute picture of him. I edited it and posted it on my plurk.

He's adorable.

Anyway, I miss Switzerland and London... terribly. I mean, whenever it's cool here [or cold] and I smell coffee, I'd think of the airports. Whenever I hear Beethoven, I think of Europe. When I see pastries, I'd think of Tito's baking. I want to go there again. I want to travel to Spain, France, Rome, Italy! I want to eat different kinds of food, visit picturesque places, buy souvenirs, go to orchestras, see different kinds of plants and flowers, inhale that fresh air! *pants*

There's a lot I'd do when I travel.

Going back to the phone call... After asking if I'm fine here, how's Lola doing, what color of boots do I like, et cetera, Tita Risma asked me if I'd like to study Spanish in Switzerland. I gaped. She said it would be great and that my cousin Kuya Rey could visit coz he's near the country. I was speechless. I mean, the plan was I'd study Spanish at Instituto Cervates de Manila right after I graduate!

After Tita Risma, Mom tried to convince me. I told her it'd be cheaper if I study in this country. Then she said, "You won't have any say in the matter if I command you to go," and laughed.

I can't believe this! If I have my way, I'd go there right now!

Alright, gotta weigh pros and cons about this. Since it's only gonna be for vacation, it means I won't have to like live there for more than 2 months. Also, I've been dreaming of going around Europe after I graduate. (Well, if not Europe then it'd be Japan, Singapore, and Hong Kong.) Another note, I'll get to hang-out with my cousin whom I haven't seen in a decade! I miss him! He'll struggle speaking in Tagalog, have an accent when speaking in English, and I'd struggle picking words that he could understand in English! It'd be great!

I could also ask him to play the drums... and perhaps teach me some notes. Then I'd have my catharsis. Just kidding.

I guess there are only a few things that I might worry about. I mean, if I get like a job offer after I graduate, it'd be like a loss if I don't take it. But then again... there will be other offers [hopefully] in the future.

Aside from that, years ago I planned that if ever I'd travel to those places mentioned earlier, I'd have a good DSLR, laptop, and a camcorder.
DSLR - because I love photography
Laptop - so that when I get bored of reading and tire of looking at nature, I could go OL or perhaps edit pretty pics
Camcorder - to record my experience, post vids on youtube, burn them to DVDs so that my family will get to watch me and how my vacation went, etc

All those things are seriously far from my grasp at the moment. I have no savings and even if I start now, I won't have enough. I'd rather not ask Mom for those. I remember she offered to buy me a laptop 2 years ago. I declined. I told her Peter, my 9-yr-old pc, is still working well. (It gets some problems once in a while, but it's ok. I still have enough patience for it, really.) She said it's a necessity and that Peter needs to be replaced. "Replaced", sure, but I won't sell it or give it away. He's too precious to me. For less than a decade, he's helped me cope with my loneliness and witnessed my growth. But I was stubborn so... I declined. I have a good feeling she'll buy it for me as like a graduation gift.

Unfortunately, the time when I desperately need a portable computer is now so that I won't have to go home just to edit stuff or get a document that I forgot. Other than that, I really need a bigger HD. Peter's is only 20GB. That means I get to use like 19GB or so. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I can't just find an internal HD that could match him right away coz he's an old model. Max, my Maxtor 160GB EHD got corrupted recently. I freakin' lost 18GB of back-up files. I was so disappointed. Once upon a day, I plugged it to Peter and found no files in it. I almost went hysterical. Now I'm trying to choose which recover files program thing to download and try to rationalize whether or not I'd trust Max again.

Another reason: Mom and I began planning our future house and lot years ago. The lot's ours now. The house will be done in about 8 months or so. She'll be paying for it for a good amount of time. This trip could sabotage the budget. *sigh* But then again, she won't offer if she knows she can't handle it. Hmmm... Hmmm...

Now that I think about it, this might be a trick to lure me into living in Europe. Everyone kept telling me how great it would be if I live and work there. Yeah, it would be cool but... I don't know if I'm ready for that big a step. I always think of Europe as "great-for-vacation-only" for me. It's like... I couldn't stay for a long time there. I wouldn't like that and... I have to let go of my lifestyle. Concerning my friends, well, there would be the phone and the internet but... aside from those being part of the bills I'll have to handle, it's not as good as actually talking to them face to face.

I know I'm being pessimistic. I really just don't want to get my hopes up. I don't like those times when I'm so happy and then later on, something will go wrong. I shouldn't get my hopes up. I shouldn't.

Ok, enough of my *cough*issues*cough*. I'm getting waaay ahead of myself again.

Even if it's like a trick, I think it's a good idea. The fact that it will only be for vacation means in my passport, it will be stated as that. They cannot make me stay. It will be up to me to decide whether or not I'd consider working and living there.

Well how about that? Trip to Singapore cancelled. I wonder how this will go.

Suddenly there's another thing for me to look forward to... just when I'm feeling really down lately. Thank you, dear God.

Wishin' on a shooting star
The dreams alone won't get you far
Can't deny your feelings anymore
The world is waitin' right outside your door
What are you waiting for?

In your heart you know what you must do
You've only got yourself to answer to
Don't let fear of falling hold you down
Your spirit's flyin high above the clouds
You're goin' there

C'mon, here's your chance
Dlet it slip right through your hands
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
Your dreams are riding on the wind
Just reach out and pull them in
Get ready for the ride of your life

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Thursday, October 01, 2009 @ 6:39 AM

Dear God, please help the Philippines.

Let's pray for all the victims of the calamity and hope that we'll all recover from the devastations.
Let's pray for the ones that had their lives taken from them. May their soles rest in piece.
Let's pray we'll be fine.

Let's donate and give our help to the victims.

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".