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James Jean in Manila!
Thursday, November 19, 2009 @ 8:50 PM

listening to: Bright Red Star by Stereophonics

James Jean is a Taiwanese-American award winning artist and illustrator. His clients include Atlantic Records, Rolling Stone, Prada, Time Magazine, and The New York Times.

He illustrated covers for the comic book series Fables! =)

Here's his website.

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Cycle: At Least It's Not Always Down
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 @ 12:31 AM

mood: feel miserable
listening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids

[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]

My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.

For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.

I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.

This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".

I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?

After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?

I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.

I want to go back to my old self.

By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.

[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]

Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.

Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.

You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.

As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?

One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.

So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Plans For Physical Changes
Sunday, November 15, 2009 @ 8:01 PM

mood: a bit excited
listening to: none

I need stimulation.
I feel like I have to do something different.
I'm pretty excited about changing something about myself, well, physically.
Hair dye will have to wait-- after grad.
Henna on my [secret] and [secret] will also have to wait.

Piercing! I had plans like years ago [I think that was sophomore year] that I'd get a second set of ear piercing.
Just a stub on both ears.
But does that violate my body? I mean, "the body is like a temple", right? Is that a violation?
Make-up, as something that is applied and can be removed as easily, I think, is not so bad. A piercing, however, is like a permanent mark. Also, since it's intentional, will that double the "penalty"?

Then there are risks for allergies, infections, etc.

Now I feel like I should talk to a priest first or something.
I'm not that religious but if this will be the hindrance to Paradise then I'll be seriously pissed.

*sigh* So I guess the only safe and convenient change for me is... nail polish.
for now

I'm back to being just bored.

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

=_= . . . o_o . . . =_= . . . =_="
Monday, November 09, 2009 @ 9:48 PM

mood: cheerful
listening to: Hit In The USA by Beat Crusaders

We finally put up Christmas decorations at the PsychLab.
I'm particularly cheerful about it.
I kept singing Christmas songs while working on the ribbons, the little Christmas tree, and the Christmas balls. XD

May, Ate Jonah, and I went to SM afterwards to chill.
Convo after eating sisig at SP:

"Mia, ayusin mo nga ang mga mata mo!"
"Anong ayusin?"
"Ang liit eh!"
"Kelan pa naging maliit ang mga mata ko? Saka pag ngumingiti ang tao, syempre lumiliit ang mata. Duh."
"Muka kang ewan. Eto o, tignan mo ung picture."
"Whoa. That's how I look like?"
"Kuhanan ko uli kayo."
"Mia! Ayusin mo nga ang mga mata mo!"
"Ano nanaman ba? Parang nahihirapan na tuloy ako ngumiti, chaka! Na-conscious ako. Ching!"
"Ano ka ba. Kulang lang sa tulog yang si Mia. Hahaha."
"Hehe! Para kasing ang lungkot ng mga mata mo!"
"Patingin ako. Ang weird. Kayo na nga na lang ang kukunan ko. It's not my photo-day today."
I was in the mood pa naman about taking photos.
I realized kasi na bihira kami ni Ate Jonah may kuha na kami lang.
Hmm... Hindi ako kulang sa tulog.
Hmmm... I wonder what's up with me.
What is this, biological mutation?
*dun dun duuun*

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Avatar the Abridged Series ep.8
Monday, November 02, 2009 @ 7:24 PM

mood: happy
listening to: none

I crack up every time I watch this.
Great work, GanXingba.

My favorite lines:
"I went to the Light Yagami School of Strategy. I can practically predict the future."

"Oh well. I've been waiting for an excuse to do this. Beep-beep!"
[Reference: Road Runner. C'mon, tell me you know that.]


"Well hello there, looover."

"Avatar! Come with me if you want to-- Aww! I used all my finger paint making this mask!"

"Isn't it a little ironic that sucking on frogs cured for stupid?"
"Oh yeah, like rain on your wedding day ironic."

"How did you know I was the avatar with that mask on?"
"I don't know if you've noticed but you're the only bald kid in the entire world."
"He's right. You really are.

"The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now I am the master."
"Only a master of evil, Zhao."

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".