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New Stage in Life: I Feel Blessed
Friday, May 20, 2011 @ 1:18 AM

I will have a job soon as an English and Values teacher at St. Francis school. The commute to get there is less than an hour, traffic included.

I am about to undergo a new stage in my life.

In a way, yes, it will be different because I will have new responsibilities. However, it can be compared to student-type of responsibilities. I mean, seriously, this is how I view it:

Setting:
students - school
teachers - school

Experience:
students - learn
teachers - teach (and learn)

Non-academic activities:
students - participate
teachers - administer (and at times, maybe participate too)

Post school hours and weekends:
students - projects, homeworks, study for quizzes and tests
teachers - make lesson plans and tests, compute grades, check papers

So yeah.. let's say the teachers have more things to do because there are a lot of students. Like this:

students - have 7-10 teachers - if all give homework, then = 7-10 homeworks
teachers - have 100 students (approximate) in 5 sections, then = 5 homeworks (in a sense)

So yeah. I think (for now) that the teaching experience is sorta like being a student too plus the paycheck. I will manage my time wisely so that I can manage my time for my boyfriend, friends, and my health.

During my tough times of being busy and failing physical and emotional health, really, all I need are the support of my loved ones, sleep, goal-driven determination, and God.
I feel a bit more accomplished now.
I mean, I have a kind, patient, loving, beautiful mother who I love very much.
I have a wonderfully awesome boyfriend who I am deeply in love with and whom I can see myself with in decades.
I have friends who are protective, supportive, and caring of me.
They all love me very much.

I have a roof over my head, food on the table and ref, clothes that are in good condition, and some luxuries like the internet, books, and girl stuff.

Now, I have a job. I will soon earn money. I will not view myself as a worthless person anymore. I bet I will also love my students.

I feel blessed. I am never ungrateful.
Sure, there are times when I get overwhelmed and my mood's not that good (like any other individual), but still... I am aware that I am blessed.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Lord.
I live.

Labels: , , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Strength: You'll Find It Inside Me
Saturday, September 11, 2010 @ 10:19 PM

I guess... you forgot how strong I am.
I have always been.

And I guess... you forgot that sms you sent to me during my birthday week, the time when Lem was sick.
You said I'm strong-willed, independent, and responsible... that it's not hard to love me.
That hasn't changed and it will never change, because yes, that is me... The "best kind of girlfriend".. "understanding".. "patient".. "kind".. "forgiving".. "masarap mahalin".. "hindi mahirap pakisamahan".. "mabait".. at kung anu-ano pang naiisip/nasasabi ng mga tao.. at kung anu-ano pang online quizzes with the same results ang nag-de-describe sa akin...

I am not all those just to please people.
I am not all those just to be praised.
I am not all those to be liked.
I am all those because that is me.


Yes, I do hurt at times because I miss you terribly.. I'd like to spend time with you.. talk to you.. However, the pain, disappointments, and whatnots will not change how much I love you.
It's just like my favorite Shakespeare sonnet:
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."
~ William Shakespeare; Sonnet CXVI

Big or small life-changing events.. misunderstandings.. "arguments".. others of the like.. we'll survive it.
I believe in us and our love for each other.
Yes, even if you're weak-willed, pessimistic, negative, and depressive.
I believe it's good to have these challenges. It makes us grow and evolve together. Besides, it's inevitable in any relationship. If there were none of these, then there's clearly something wrong. LOL

I'll give you space for a week since that's what you want.. though really, since I don't demand much; even from before you do have enough space.. well, from my perspective, at least. I won't text as much.

I appreciate all the efforts you give. I appreciate even the little time and attention you give. I know you are hurting too. Who wouldn't be, right? Tiis-tiis muna, ganyan ka ka-busy eh. If you [start to] resent schoolwork or your school-life, do not resent me by extension. I have done nothing to hinder your academic progress and you know well how I fully support on that and education in general.

I agree about what you said, hoping that your lack of time and attention to me won't be an issue. Well, I have no intention about making it an issue. But let's say if ever it does become an issue in the future, we can always talk about it and resolve it.

I wish you are well.

I wish everyone I love is well, even if not happy.
You can't always be happy, you know. Pretty absurd.

I will be fine.
I have been fine; so, yeah no reason not to think/be otherwise.

Cheers to positivity!
No, I am not in denial nor turning a blind eye nor suppressing.
Yes, I can be naive at times but I'm not stupid nor blind. I just prefer to look at the good things, nothing wrong with that.
People should try that more often.
You can have your period of frustration, lethargy, depression, and the like... but then recover afterwards. Learn to stand up and go forward again.

On a side note, I learned a simple piano piece-- a recent favorite song of mine by Augustana. I found another piece, a different version, I'd master it after I master this. This will do for the meantime, since Drix still doesn't have any contact with his friend.
I'm excited to learn. I bought a music book, but I still prefer hands-on tutorial. Iba pag tao ang teacher (hindi internet o libro).


¡Tome el cuidado siempre, mis amigos!

Labels: , , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Sucked Energy
Friday, January 22, 2010 @ 6:39 PM

state: pensive
listening to: Replay by IYAZ

Schoolwork and my expectations for myself is draining the life outta me.
I don't dare to go near any weighing scale, not that I have one [coz I don't].
The very presence of it makes me sad.

I'm glad that we'll be graduating soon only because I'll be free from academic anxiety.
But really, the downside is... I'll miss my friends terribly.
You know you could live without your loved ones... but it's not the same as living with them.
(I was gonna type "but what's the point?" then I realized how... it brings to mind suicidal tendencies. As a psychology major, I must choose my words carefully. Then again, I always do. )

There's also no doubt I'll miss school life.

But then again, I'll be back on school for Spanish lessons at Cervantes.

So now I'll just hang on.
I almost resemble a zombie and my clothes don't fit me [again] anymore.
But come vacation and I'll transform.

I'll transform.

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Cycle: At Least It's Not Always Down
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 @ 12:31 AM

mood: feel miserable
listening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids

[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]

My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.


For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.

I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.

This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".


I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?

After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?

I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.

I want to go back to my old self.


By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.



:+:+:+:+:
[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]


Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.

Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.

You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.

As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?




One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.

So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"Why am I making this hard on myself?"
Friday, October 16, 2009 @ 5:39 PM

mood: chirpy
listening to: Happy by Natasha Bedingfield

I love "sembreak".
I love how I could relate so much to this song after such a dark month at school.
Landlords knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my "job" the night before
Can't figure how
I'm gonna fix tomorrow away
If today's still a mess
Can you tell me what's the point man
It all seems meaningless

I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world's trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me
That it's ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie
People hide
People cry
People fight
And they don't know why [NO. They DO know.]
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of [the cause of fear]
Cause fear is only in our heads

Any day I'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I'm blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd be confessing that the enemy
I'm trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it's ok now
What are you worrying about

Keep your grind on, girl
It's your love, it's your world

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

"This, too, shall pass."
Sunday, October 11, 2009 @ 11:31 PM

mood: sad yet optimistic
listening to: none

A lot of bad things happened recently.
It makes me think of Murphy's Law.

Still, I have to hold on and do my best.
I wouldn't be me otherwise.
=|

"This, too, shall pass."
That saying helps me calm my nerves [for years].

Take a deep breath and repeat after me...


*****


On a lighter note, I finally got a printer.. I mean a 3-in-1. It's on sale. It's a Canon Pixma MP198, which I conveniently named Pixy. I think we're gonna be close. Thank goodness I don't have to wake up early, go running off to internet cafés, worrying about deadlines and the fee, or other kinds of mishaps along the way...

Also, instead of taking pictures of my drawings, I could simply scan it.

Labels:

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

O&P
Thursday, October 01, 2009 @ 6:39 AM

Dear God, please help the Philippines.

Let's pray for all the victims of the calamity and hope that we'll all recover from the devastations.
Let's pray for the ones that had their lives taken from them. May their soles rest in piece.
Let's pray we'll be fine.

Let's donate and give our help to the victims.

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Your Talent
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 @ 7:52 PM

listening to: Calling All Angels - Train

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours."
~ Ayn Rand; Atlas Shrugged


"Just remember, don't let him take it[your talent]."
~ Jake Jagielski; One Tree Hill

Labels:

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".