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Wishing For Numbness
Monday, June 30, 2008 @ 8:34 PM

I wish to become numb from everything.
I wish to be the master of repression.

Why did I grew up to be such a serious person? I worry a lot. I give importance to even the little, simple things. I try to be more laid-back.. but it's hard to adjust right away.

I'm tired and sick of everything. That's the truth. The entries here is of only those times when I feel slightly happy-- or at the very least, trying to look on the better side of life. (I generally call them distractions.) But really, the truth is.. ayoko na. There's this inevitable point in time when I'm really loosing myself with everything that's happening. Perhaps what keeps me going on is my Mom and God (the main ones, and of course, my friends). The latter because I fear Him. The first because I owe/love her that much.


Sawang-sawa na ako.
I don't wanna live this way.

"Neng, iilang beses lang talaga sa taon na nakikita/nararamdaman kitang masaya."

'I'm sorry, Mom. I have to put my cold, almost apathetic front when I'm talking with you. I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I also don't want to seem as if I'm happy without you (God knows I'm not). I know you've been suffering for so long too. You of all people deserve to be happy. I could say I'm like the luckiest daughter in the world for having you as my mom. And so I'd rather suffer alone. I'd never admit to you the level of misery I feel every damn day...'

Maybe autistic people are lucky after all.

Sis Chamie, I miss you. I look forward to our plans on Saturday. I desperately need your company. It's been so long since we've talked.

May, Len, Kuya Norman, Ate She, and others, thanks for your support and company in school. I cherish every moment I spend with you guys. I really do. You guys.. and the sessions with Mrs. Barron.. are generally the reasons why I'd still want to go to school even though I always feel like I'd like to stop any time soon. I sound utterly pathetic, don't I?

And YOU...
You said you'll make me happy.
You said you won't leave me.
Where are you when I needed you the most?
If I only listened to my fears before,
maybe I wouldn't be in this fatal situation.
And yet..
And yet..
I remain stupid.
Even if we take the stupid off.
It's still [almost] the same..
the fact that "I remain."

I'd like to just sleep this but.. I still have homework, dinner to do, and reports/research waiting for me. This frail body might not handle the stress any longer.. But I hope.. that if it would happen-- that my body will eventually surrender-- I hope.. my mind won't.

I'm pathetic and ashamed of it.

My whole being hurts.

Labels: , , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Height Change and Color Preferences
Saturday, June 21, 2008 @ 10:12 PM

mood: pleased
listening to: Stay In Love - Mariah Carey

As it turns out, my growth hormone is still active. I found out this summer that 70% of my tops are either hanging or near to it. I dislike tops that makes me uncomfortable when bending or sitting.. you know, the ones that you have to hold on the backside just so you won't look ridiculous. *sigh* So yeah, I couldn't bring myself to ask mom if I could "replenish" my wardrobe. Subtley though, I tried. (I was desperate.) Thankfully, she told me to buy some. =)

I always have this weakness for white, black, brown, and black with pink tops, but what surprised me is my recent interest with tshirts! A few months or years ago, I would see tshirts on racks and then I would wrinkle my nose, thinking 'sleeveless tops look so much better on girls' or something like that. (Yeah, I was biased haha.) Now I love statement tees!

I'm still cautious about the colors though. A few years back I'm in love with pink tops. Yeah, preference changes so.. I was looking through my tops for the "shrunken ones" to give away and I've noticed from the stacks my clear color preferences. Pink and white tops are dominant (since like I've said, I was addicted to pink tops), followed by black, then brown. I've only some yellow, blue, and red. I dislike orange and so I only have like one orange top-- given to me by a relative of which I forgot exactly who. Come to think of it, I never really liked orange, yellow, and red even as colors. It's quite ironic that being a Leo and Earth Dragon, those are "my" colors. Ugh.

So yeah.. bought a black top at Tribal. I was at Camp Beverly Hills when I became excited with choosing tops-- unfortunately, with all the other items I bought earlier, I could only afford two more tops. I decided on the "Some are born LUCKY" top-- and I bought it on white and black! LOL. My first time buying the same tee for two different colors.. They're of different sizes too. The black one'ss medium and the white's small. Here's what it looks like:

Yeah, I know, I know, my hair's hiding the statement. LOL My hair's so long now.

Here's another one:

The pic's blurred since I had to resize it and then edit the lighting. It was taken late afternoon.

I'm still looking for black leggings, a specific length skirt, and some shorts. Rainy season's coming up so I suppose shorts are hiding now or something. I couldn't find any my size. They're either too high, too small, or too big. Ugh!

gorgeous grey chiffon.. I want it!!

I want this skirt!

lovin' casual..

cute top..

I need to start my Spanish self-study. I found out my tape recorder's broken (of old age probably). I was so excited about doing my own tape tutorial too! Hmph.

Boy: Do you like anyone?
Girl: Well, actually.. more like "love".
B: Who is it?
G: Umm.. three letters.. starts with a Y and ends with a U.
B: Funny, I love that person too.
Waaay corny.. but cute somehow.. I guess.

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

His Presence
Friday, June 20, 2008 @ 11:44 PM

mood: not so good
listening to: none

"If all else perished,
And he remained,
I should still continue to be;
And if all else remained,
And he were annihilated,
The universe would turn to a mighty stranger."

~ Wuthering Heights
I'd just finished Eclipse; May returned it to me this afternoon. I continued from where I left off after I had dinner. (It was a few days ago that I decided to no longer wait. It was as if the book itself beckoned me.) I was seriously trying not to cry on the later chapters that indicate conclusion (almost) from Bella to Jacob. Perhaps because I've already experienced similar circumstances that's why I could feel my chest tighten while I was reading. (I was Jacob in the situation-- no, I wasn't pushy like him, in fact, I am nothing like him.) Still, as I am typing this, my chest hurts. It is as if I swallowed too much water and that my lungs could not handle it any longer. I did try my hardest not to cry while reading. I really did. A few drops escaped and that was it, but I feel proud I didn't weep. Though with the heaviness of my chest right now, I'm not so sure anymore what I should've done.

Am I repressing? Is it really repression when I didn't intend it to happen? I am confused about it. I mean, usually with an emotion this strong, my normal self would probably bury her face on her hands or on her pillow, or stare blankly with waterfalls constantly flowing on both eyes...

I remember that one time when sis Chamie was having "love-problems" with her past lover. She told me how she's hurting but she couldn't let out the feeling. She thought of ways to make her cry just so she could fend off that pain accumulated in her chest.

Maybe I'll release this before I sleep. I certainly don't want to "suffocate" to death. This type of difficulty of breathing is nothing like when I'm having my severe allergy attack. It hurts more but it's certainly more tolerable than a runny-nose. Or perhaps it has nothing to do with what I've read earlier. Perhaps it's some chemical reaction.. like low oxygen level in my room. Yeah, maybe that was it. (Though I'm sure my room is sufficiently ventilated.)

The quote from The Wuthering Heights was exactly the way I felt.

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Thank The Word Itself
@ 9:56 PM

mood: amused
listening to: Get Chu! - AAA

time for an unstructured entry [haha at last! gasp-nesss]
things have been kinda lookin' up lately for me.. i kinda cheered up when school started..
aah~ love the distractions.. anyway! i like my major subjects, most specifically.
let's not talk about the others x_x anyway!
i wanted to post something that amused me today.. and so i'll go on right to that haha

we have a quiz on cognitive psychology today. considering that ms. alvero
[mrs. maguad now.. wait, is the spelling right?] is our teacher on the subject,
i should've known better than for her to give us a "simple" quiz with what little notes we had..
not that i mind.. i half-expected as much =)
so yeah.. there were 6 parts.. most about the parts of the brain,
their location, description, and functions..
so what's amusing about that? well, before the quiz, i memorized everything
[yeah, i'm guilty for not reviewing the night before]
unfortunately though, i didn't particularly remember if
it's the forebrain or the hindbrain that's the largest part..
i know the parts within those parts but without knowing the difference, i'm doomed.
and it has such a large percentage on the quiz, too. oh poopy!
i even tried to visualize my notes but i still can't remember
if the forebrain was the first one that she discussed or not..

and so, under pressure, i've decided to answer the others first..
a few minutes of doing that and it hit me!
LOL i realized it when i kept concentrating with the word itself..
forebrain.. fore.. then hindbrain.. hind.. and that's it..
forebrain is on the top portion.. the largest part..
the hindbrain is on the lowest, almost obscure part..
that certainly solved it! and yes, i've learned my lesson
*sigh* that was a close call, isn't?!
XD i was sooo nervous and everything hahaha..
i'm such a dork..

Labels: ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Bye-bye When July Comes
Thursday, June 19, 2008 @ 8:30 PM

mood: a bit cheerful
listening to: Signal - KAT-TUN

We bumped into Raymond at school today. As it turns out, he's leaving (to America) around July. He's just getting his transcripts and stuff. It's good that I brought my camera. I took some shots when we ate out. I already uploaded them on my friendster account. When I tried to edit the others to put up here, unfortunately my scratch disks were full. So the only one I could upload at the moment is this:

That's odd, parang singkit ako dito.
I edited the lighting since it was kinda dark, despite the flash.. so yeah.
I'll put up others later.

Anyway, he said he'll continue college here in the Philippines. I asked when he's coming back and he said it will be about for 5 years or so. Yeah, it's so long. But he said we'll keep in touch in friendster. I told him that when he gets accustomed there, he'll forget about his friendster and will be addicted to MySpace haha.. Besides, here he rarely logs on his friendster account anyway. XD

So yeah.. with 2 years of friendship, I'd say.. So long, pal! We'll miss you! See you again in 5 years or so.. wherever part of the world we are. (Who knows where I'll be around that time? I'll probably be in London taking my Masters Degree and/or working my ass off haha..)

Oh yeah.. and you'll make Ate She miss you so much. XD

One last thing, check this out:

Amusing, isn't it? XD
Now I wonder what candy I'm gonna use. Bwahahah! *ahem*

Labels: , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Reservations At Bookstores
Sunday, June 08, 2008 @ 10:06 PM

mood: quite excited
listening to: I Got You - Nikki Flores

You know what's the worst thing you hear when you're in a bookstore and eager to purchase a specific book? The words from the customer service sayin', "We ran out of stock and we don't know when our supplier will come." Add a cherry on top and you got this: "Also, there's no guarantee that the supplier will deliver the specified book[s]." Grr. So yeah, my ears have been accustomed to that recently [for almost a month]. BUT! Thanks to a text message from Marie, I finally got a copy of Eclipse. It's not the special edition though, but I'm glad all the same. (I can't complain; I already have it!) I've been waitin' for it. (Okay, okay, May and I have been waitin' for it.) So I finally got it-- forgot the exact date but it's this week. I was at school and it was near lunch time. I became spontaneous so I decided to just go to Robinsons in Imus in about a minute of thinking. Yes, yes, I do have my moments.

[Here's a note: There's something that pissed me off about that. They didn't even contact me when they got the books! It's like I left details and stuff about my reservation for nothin'! Wth! That's why I think it's better to annoy them than trust them. Call them every other day and ask for the book. It's their job to check it anyway. Besides, I've learned it this way. They won't contact you despite the reservation details. Argh!]

Though I've got the book already, I've decided not to read it till.. maybe August-- if I could resist that long, that is. LOL (I probably won't.) So why wait, you ask? Haha.. I just thought that maybe if there's something I'd be eager to do in between the release of Breaking Dawn (it's on August 2, I heard) and Twilight the movie, then it will be less dreadful on those months. Does that sound weird? Whatever. I'll test my patience. For now, I'll wait for Breaking Dawn.

Labels: , , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

Dreariness, Lessons, and Room details
Thursday, June 05, 2008 @ 8:48 PM

mood: gloomy
listening to: none

Most people think I have it easy. Most of them say I'm lucky. I suppose my carefree mask is more effective than I thought. Then again I only let those people close to me know my predicaments. (Only few of them actually care enough to look beyond the facade.) There would also be those times when I put my thoughts and feelings through something.. like drawings, pictures, poems, prose, and yes, my blog. I posted some on my old blog. Unfortunately, due to some kind of html error (might be from my part.. I don't know), my posts are not visible-- only the bolded, italized, and underlined words are. *sigh* I really don't know what happened with my editing. I kept checking the font color; they're all correct and effective in the past.

So yeah, I suppose I am in the mood to write about my gloomy state, but vagely at that. I've been meaning to do this for days, I just don't put enough effort to log on blogger. *sigh* Aside from saying that I'm feeling pretty down and lethargic lately, I guess I could also post some of the lighter news here. Let's see.. I'll be fully enrolled tomorrow with May. I already saw our schedule: for MWF it's 2pm-8pm and for TTH it's 2:30pm to 7pm. I would've been satisfied with the schedule if it starts at the usual 1pm so that right after I eat lunch I'll go directly to school and then the last hour of class would've moved to an earlier time-- but hey, I don't make schedules so.. *sigh* In addition to that, we have 3 major subjects: Experimental Psychology [help.. peep!], Cognitive and Learning Psychology, and Clinical and Abnormal Psychology-- the latter two being Seminar in Psychology (I and II).

I got off the phone with Mom earlier. I asked permission if I could have keyboard/piano lesson every Saturday, seeing as I have Saturdays vacant now. Luckily, she's fine with that. On Saturdays, I could also work on my cooking and Spanish-- both self-study. I own 3 cookbooks already and it's time to put it in use. As with my Spanish, well, I'll need to go into it further since I'll have to talk to the Consulate before I turn 21. It has something to do with retaining my citizenship. I still have my notes from Sr. Ricci (high school freshman year, my old tape recorder (for the tutorial feel), and my mom's old Spanish-English dictionary. I'm planning to buy books soon too.

In relation to driving, Mom said we could put it off since I'll actually need a car and I know I won't have it by this year or in the next. Besides, priority on her list would be a house of our own in this country. (Still don't have an specific location.) Then after that, she might want a house somewhere in Europe. (She's considering in Spain.) So yeah. Keyboard, cooking, and Spanish lessons first before driving, Japanese (I'm not going to limit myself to just self-study when it comes to Japanese), and whatever-else lessons I'll have in mind. I get to cross out some things from my Things To Do Before I Die list. Yay.

Those are going to be my distractions in the near future. At the moment, I'm pretty satisfied of how I cleaned my room. Also aside from cleaning, rearranging some things, and tidying up some clutters, I also threw away stuff that I don't need-- something I absolutely refused to do in the past. (Mom: Mia, basurera ka talaga.) I have this somewhat "sentimental attachment" with err certain things so it's kinda hard to throw or give them away, but I've decided that I have to. In the next two years, I'll need to throw away a lot of stuff anyway since I'll be moving to London so I thought I better start preparing for that now. Here's a picture of my desk-- the before and after shot:

the clutter then the clutter-free
If my mom were here and she saw how my past desk looked like, she'll probably had me arrested.. or something.
Pardon the shot; I wasn't in the mood to edit.

As you can see, I removed all of my little stuffed toys/cute paperweight figures (except my Yusuke figure coz I'll love it till I grow old damn it), some books and [the cheap] manga~s. I also rearranged some books. About the pink Disney mug I bought from London (the one near Yusuke.. if you can find Yusuke, that is), I've no clue where to put it so I put it randomly in front of the manga~s. I'll try to find a better place to put it.. and what to put in it seeing as my other purple mug has pens and stuff in it already. Now it looked like there's some sophistication to it, huh? *sigh* Still can't believe I'll turn twenty soon. In two months to be exact. I can't feel it though. Hayz.

Aside from cleaning my room, I recently bought a corkboard. As a teen, I've always wanted a corkboard and posters in my room. I'm living in an apartment with a very light coral-like wall color that it seemed err.. rather impolite to put random posters around. I did put two posters (Yu Yu Hakusho and Naruto-- both gifts) on one obscure corner though. I couldn't resist. If I had my own room, I'd go crazy designing it. I'd buy the bed sheets, curtains, pillows, arm chairs, lamps and other furnitures that I want. I'd have a wall dedicated to a collage of pictures, autographs, etc. I'd have a big bookshelf.. my cork board of sorts.. throw pillows I could faint on.. some character shrine out of my would-be obsession.. ok gotta cross that one out. I need to remind myself that I'll be around 23 when that time comes damn it. The shrine thing was a joke though if I were 14 I would've done that. Time's cruel, you know.

Going back to my corkboard. I got excited with the thought of designing it. The problem lies solely on that though. I don't know where to start! (I did some search on the net last night.) I do have some ideas before the err "research" but I still don't like them. Too random. Usually random is good, but I'd like my cork board somewhat.. organized. I'd put a Things To Do section.. a Things To Remember section.. Upcoming Important Events section.. Random Pictures section (if only I have a Polaroid).. Random Mag Cut-out Articles section.. among other things that would eventually come to me. I just need to work on the design. Ribbons would be a given. Maybe I should check out the scrapbook section at the mall some time. I'll post a pic of it here when I'm done.

*sigh* I'll post my Tag answers here later. I'm still procrastinating on that, sorry. Well, gotta eat dinner now. It's rather late, I know. I woke up late too anyway. Peace out.

Labels: , , , ,

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".