Wishing For Numbness
Monday, June 30, 2008 @ 8:34 PM
I wish to become numb from everything.
I wish to be the master of repression.
Why did I grew up to be such a serious person? I worry a lot. I give importance to even the little, simple things. I try to be more laid-back.. but it's hard to adjust right away.
I'm tired and sick of everything. That's the truth. The entries here is of only those times when I feel slightly happy-- or at the very least, trying to look on the better side of life. (I generally call them distractions.) But really, the truth is.. ayoko na. There's this inevitable point in time when I'm really loosing myself with everything that's happening. Perhaps what keeps me going on is my Mom and God (the main ones, and of course, my friends). The latter because I fear Him. The first because I owe/love her that much.
*sigh*
Sawang-sawa na ako.
I don't wanna live this way.
"Neng, iilang beses lang talaga sa taon na nakikita/nararamdaman kitang masaya."
'I'm sorry, Mom. I have to put my cold, almost apathetic front when I'm talking with you. I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I also don't want to seem as if I'm happy without you (God knows I'm not). I know you've been suffering for so long too. You of all people deserve to be happy. I could say I'm like the luckiest daughter in the world for having you as my mom. And so I'd rather suffer alone. I'd never admit to you the level of misery I feel every damn day...'
Maybe autistic people are lucky after all.
Sis Chamie, I miss you. I look forward to our plans on Saturday. I desperately need your company. It's been so long since we've talked.
May, Len, Kuya Norman, Ate She, and others, thanks for your support and company in school. I cherish every moment I spend with you guys. I really do. You guys.. and the sessions with Mrs. Barron.. are generally the reasons why I'd still want to go to school even though I always feel like I'd like to stop any time soon. I sound utterly pathetic, don't I?
I'd like to just sleep this but.. I still have homework, dinner to do, and reports/research waiting for me. This frail body might not handle the stress any longer.. But I hope.. that if it would happen-- that my body will eventually surrender-- I hope.. my mind won't.
I'm pathetic and ashamed of it.
My whole being hurts.I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".
I wish to be the master of repression.
Why did I grew up to be such a serious person? I worry a lot. I give importance to even the little, simple things. I try to be more laid-back.. but it's hard to adjust right away.
I'm tired and sick of everything. That's the truth. The entries here is of only those times when I feel slightly happy-- or at the very least, trying to look on the better side of life. (I generally call them distractions.) But really, the truth is.. ayoko na. There's this inevitable point in time when I'm really loosing myself with everything that's happening. Perhaps what keeps me going on is my Mom and God (the main ones, and of course, my friends). The latter because I fear Him. The first because I owe/love her that much.
*sigh*
Sawang-sawa na ako.
I don't wanna live this way.
"Neng, iilang beses lang talaga sa taon na nakikita/nararamdaman kitang masaya."
'I'm sorry, Mom. I have to put my cold, almost apathetic front when I'm talking with you. I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I also don't want to seem as if I'm happy without you (God knows I'm not). I know you've been suffering for so long too. You of all people deserve to be happy. I could say I'm like the luckiest daughter in the world for having you as my mom. And so I'd rather suffer alone. I'd never admit to you the level of misery I feel every damn day...'
Maybe autistic people are lucky after all.
Sis Chamie, I miss you. I look forward to our plans on Saturday. I desperately need your company. It's been so long since we've talked.
May, Len, Kuya Norman, Ate She, and others, thanks for your support and company in school. I cherish every moment I spend with you guys. I really do. You guys.. and the sessions with Mrs. Barron.. are generally the reasons why I'd still want to go to school even though I always feel like I'd like to stop any time soon. I sound utterly pathetic, don't I?
And YOU...
You said you'll make me happy.
You said you won't leave me.
Where are you when I needed you the most?
If I only listened to my fears before,
maybe I wouldn't be in this fatal situation.
And yet..
And yet..
I remain stupid.
Even if we take the stupid off.
It's still [almost] the same..
the fact that "I remain."
I'd like to just sleep this but.. I still have homework, dinner to do, and reports/research waiting for me. This frail body might not handle the stress any longer.. But I hope.. that if it would happen-- that my body will eventually surrender-- I hope.. my mind won't.
I'm pathetic and ashamed of it.
My whole being hurts.
Labels: family, friendship, melancholy, school
I need to know "what is".
