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His Presence
Friday, June 20, 2008 @ 11:44 PM

mood: not so good
listening to: none

"If all else perished,
And he remained,
I should still continue to be;
And if all else remained,
And he were annihilated,
The universe would turn to a mighty stranger."

~ Wuthering Heights
I'd just finished Eclipse; May returned it to me this afternoon. I continued from where I left off after I had dinner. (It was a few days ago that I decided to no longer wait. It was as if the book itself beckoned me.) I was seriously trying not to cry on the later chapters that indicate conclusion (almost) from Bella to Jacob. Perhaps because I've already experienced similar circumstances that's why I could feel my chest tighten while I was reading. (I was Jacob in the situation-- no, I wasn't pushy like him, in fact, I am nothing like him.) Still, as I am typing this, my chest hurts. It is as if I swallowed too much water and that my lungs could not handle it any longer. I did try my hardest not to cry while reading. I really did. A few drops escaped and that was it, but I feel proud I didn't weep. Though with the heaviness of my chest right now, I'm not so sure anymore what I should've done.

Am I repressing? Is it really repression when I didn't intend it to happen? I am confused about it. I mean, usually with an emotion this strong, my normal self would probably bury her face on her hands or on her pillow, or stare blankly with waterfalls constantly flowing on both eyes...

I remember that one time when sis Chamie was having "love-problems" with her past lover. She told me how she's hurting but she couldn't let out the feeling. She thought of ways to make her cry just so she could fend off that pain accumulated in her chest.

Maybe I'll release this before I sleep. I certainly don't want to "suffocate" to death. This type of difficulty of breathing is nothing like when I'm having my severe allergy attack. It hurts more but it's certainly more tolerable than a runny-nose. Or perhaps it has nothing to do with what I've read earlier. Perhaps it's some chemical reaction.. like low oxygen level in my room. Yeah, maybe that was it. (Though I'm sure my room is sufficiently ventilated.)

The quote from The Wuthering Heights was exactly the way I felt.

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I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

.