Cycle: At Least It's Not Always Down
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 @ 12:31 AM
mood: 
feel miserable
listening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids
[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]
My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.
For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.
I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.
This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".
I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?
After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?
I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.
I want to go back to my old self.
By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.
:+:+:+:+:
[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]
Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.
Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.
You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.
As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?
One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.
So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".
feel miserablelistening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids
[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]
My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.
For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.
I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.
This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".
I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?
After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?
I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.
I want to go back to my old self.
By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.
:+:+:+:+:
[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]
Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.
Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.
You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.
As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?
One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.
So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.
Labels: melancholy, optimism, ponder
I need to know "what is".
