listening to: Don't Walk Away - Bethany Joy Lenz


The past Sunday I came to church surprisingly early. My head's up in the clouds though so I couldn't say I'm very proud of myself. But anyway, I actually got a seat. I don't know the measurement of the church bench but I could estimate that maybe eight people could fit there. When I came, we were only five. There's a girl and a boy to my left and a woman and a man to my right. There were respectable distances between us so I assumed the pairs don't know each other.

About five minutes after the mass began, a young couple sat beside me. My respectable distance was immediately gone (but it's cool). What annoyed me was the woman who was sitting to my right-- she hardly moved an inch. I wanted to clear my throat so bad but I didn't. I just squirmed on my seat with the old Oreo commercial jingle going on and on in my head. (Squeezed in the middle... Smack dabbed in the middle...) It's a good thing she moved a bit more after five minutes or so. The man beside her was glued to the edge of the bench and she still has that respectable distance so... *sigh* People these days.

I sat uncomfortably. It was distracting me. During the offering, as I was trying to get my money, I heard the man talked to the woman beside me. What the heck-- they actually know each other! I caught a glimpse of similar gold bands on their fingers. Wonder of wonders.

I gave a quick glance to my left. The young couple had a calm, warm vibe even though they're sitting unconveniently.

It was like I was sitting between a time lapse.

I was in the middle of an image of young, passionate love and... well, I couldn't think of a good description for the man and woman at the moment. A word comes to mind though: weariness. There was this cold atmosphere but it did not seem like they were mad at each other. They were really... distant.

I have watched movies and read books of love surviving within the passage of time but it really takes a moment like this when you're actually there and you would see such a sad sight of reality that it makes you wonder... Will that happen to me too?

I took a last glance to my left and saw what I hope for.
I took a last glance to my right and saw what I really, really do not want to happen to me in the future.


*****


I bought a mouse and a headphone yesterday. The discomfort of using my old mouse with the thought of it's foreboding dysfunctionality won't bother me again (for a while that is, until this one gets old). Also now, I could listen to the songs on my player without constantly pulling with the cord.


Anyway, do I look like a pushover?

I was in line and it was a very long line. I wasn't in a peachy mood. There's this lady who made her way beside me and asked if the line was there. I politely said yes. I thought she was going to my back (coz I was obviously in the line) but she stayed there in front of me.

What.. is up with that?

I counted up to ten seconds hoping she realize where she stands. About ten minutes passed and she's still there. Within that ten minutes, I contemplated whether or not I'd talk to her.

Her seemingly helpless expression made me think otherwise. She had that doe eyes.

And so... I remained silent.


*****


I watched some art films recently and liked it. Shout-out to Pong for the dvd! Thanks so much! The Wrestler na lang ang hindi ko pa napapanood. I'll post my review of the movies later.

Franchez, you have to watch Let the Right One In. La pelikula es muy bien. Btw, I just found out that you deleted your blog. Why?

Maan, may American version ang Pan's Labyrinth? I never knew that!

Chamie, ipapalabas ang One Litre of Tears sa GMA? Pls, pls sana maayos ang dubbing. I love it too much, I'm actually scared of pinoy audience reviews.


*****


In regards with our OJT, we ran out of options. We will have it at Trece. For the industrial setting, Jonah and I will have it at a some kind of radio broadcasting company near Star City. I'm getting excited about it. For the educational setting, here's hoping I'd get into the school's HR or Guidance this coming semester after Len and Man.

Labels: movie, plans, ponder, school

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

I'm starting to feel the meaning of vacation: not getting up early in the morning, being a couch potato, the urge to travel to new places, and of course this: "frequent" blogging.

I'm going to edit my layout today. Gotta take off some of the "underconstruction" signs. Before that, I've decided to post the songs on my current playlist, the ones I've been listening to a lot lately.

Oh yeah... My earphones died. It's old. I'm planning to buy headphones.

40 Foot Echo - Drift
Far away
It's not like I wanted you
But you're not for me
Not for me anymore


Alanis Morrisette - Everything
You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here


Alanis Morissette - Excuses
These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me small
They've kept me locked inside my cell


Ashlee Simpson - Endless Summer
We laughed, we cried
And all the while we felt so alive
It was you and me
You grabbed my hand and you made me see
What it could feel like
And what it might be like
You wrote my name in the sand


Beethoven - Violin Romance


Beethoven - Pathetique


The Bird And The Bee - How Deep Is Your Love
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think that I care for you
When you know down inside that I really do


The Calling - Stigmatized
I believe in you
Even if no one understands
I believe in you
And I don't really give a damn
If we're stigmatized


Cassie - Is It You
Is it you? Is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?


Creed - My Sacrifice
When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My Sacrifice


Colbie Caillat - The Little Things
The little things, you do to me are
Taking me over, I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me
Like a nervous heart that
Is crazy beating


Cute Is What We Aim For - Risque
I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do
When he can't get through?


Dido - Thank You
I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life


Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Wanna Be
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me


Incubus - I Miss You
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line
If I said "I miss you"


Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm yours


Jonas Brothers - Hello Beautiful
Hello beautiful
It's been a long time
Since my phone's rung
And you been on that line
I've been missing you
It's true


Mi - Aishiteru
Waraitai waraitai kokoro no mannaka de
Anata ni wa uchiakeyou
Tsuyogaru watashi yowaki na watashi
Kinou no hanashi dou demo ii koto mo zenbu
Ai shiteru kore kara mo zutto
Mune wo kunde aruite yukou


Michelle Branch - You Get Me
You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
Yeah, you get me


Nickelback - Photographs
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye


Nikki Hassman - Adore You
In a thousand ways
In a thousand hidden places
You have touched my heart
And the feeling never changes


Plain White T's - 1 2 3 4
You make it easy,
It's easy as 1, 2 .. 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you
I love you
There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that's what I'll do
I love you


Something Corporate - Walking By
So why do you leave these stories unfinished,
my Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in her eyes?
Why do you look when you've already found it?
What did you find that could leave you walking by?


Stereophonics - It Means Nothing
Did we lose ourselves again?
Did we take in what's been said?
Did we take the time to be,
all the things we said we'd be

Labels: song lyrics

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: quite melancholic
listening to: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

[WARNING: This entry is a bit dramatic. There's a bit of ranting too. You have been warned.]

Sometimes, life is so great, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.
Sometimes, everything just sucks that you couldn't stop yourself from crying... even if you try your hardest not to.


Some times, I am proud of myself because I am a serious person. But there really are those times when I hate being like this.

I believe in holding onto something or someone if it's what makes you happy. Hold onto it with all your heart. Give your everything.
Unfortunately for me, that something or someone doesn't last... even if I hold my hardest.

I've experienced a lot of those moments in my life. All things are temporary. People always leave. Yadda yada. What hurts me most about right now is... the realization that even through all of this, I always chose to stay. A family member leaves me, I stay. A friend leaves and I stay. Heck, even my computer "leaves" and I stay.

Why don't I leave first?
Maybe because I can't.

"Mia, why do you chose to stay?"
"Because they're here."
"If they have their chance, they'll leave you know."
"I know."
"Why are you being stubborn? If they leave, you'll understand. If you leave, they'll understand it too."
"I'm not like them. I am not like everyone... even from the beginning."
"..."
"It doesn't feel right [for me] if I leave first..."

"What will you do when they leave then?"
"I don't know."
"Will you still stay?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
"So that if ever they need me, they'll know where to find me."

I feel so stupid right now.
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much because even though I'm very much conscious with my stupidity I...


*****


I am always an option.
I am always second best... or third.
And even if I were the first option or even if I am the best, I am still the one being left behind. (You know what I mean, people will always have their reasons.)
Bakit ganoon?
Ayoko sana maging affected pero...


*****


People can always count on me but I couldn't count on them (multiple reasons). I always keep my promises and if I know there's a possibility that I can't, I'd say "I'll try." If I wasn't able to do it, I'll apologize pervently.

If anything will happen to me, it's sad to think that I won't have a straight thought of whom to call... because everyone's far away or everyone's busy or everyone's unreachable or I wouldn't want to bother them. (It's usually the last one. I'm afraid that they'll get tired of me or that they'll get turned off by me... for whatever reason.)

When I feel that I can get close, I will and then I'll get scared but I still I'll stay and I won't go away... so what happens next is... time will come when that person (whatever my relation is to him/her) will "drift" away and there's nothing I could do about it.

This is why I don't believe in "you make your own destiny" crap. I strongly object that saying. If I'm given the time and knowledge to make a very long-winded argument about it, heck I'll make a thesis and might even publish it!

[sarcasm mode]
Oh so you chose to be depressed from being raped by someone you know?
So since it's your destiny and you apparently made it, you did a magic spell to make your father leave you at a very young age for whatever sick reason he had that led to your current psychological father-issues.
You chose a destiny of failure on your math exam so that you would take a remedial class in summer vacation when your friends are all happy and basking in the sun?

What, masochistic moron?
[sarcasm mode end]

*sigh* Talk about weather change: I went from feeling very sad and worthless to feeling bitter and annoyed.


*****

And now I wonder...
I wonder...
Why can't there be someone like me... for me?

Ok, I'm not pertaining for someone who's exactly like me (that would be impossible), maybe I'm just looking for… someone who'll value me enough to make me feel that… I'm really, really important (outside of the family circle).


*****

Ano... guys, don't worry, this is not about him. I'm over him na for months. (Thank goodness for that.) This entry is more of a general thing, a general anxiety. I've thought of this multiple times in the past but this is the first time that I actually wrote... or rather blogged about it.


*****


I say I don't want to trust right away but subconsciously, I will.
I say I don't want to expect anything but subconsciously, I do.
I say I don't want to get close but in truth, I want to because at that time I feel happy.
I say I don't want this anymore but... I'd rather have it than nothing at all.

And then there's this sadness again. *sigh* I hate it.

In the end of my complaints, I should just say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

Goodbye sa mga umalis at bye-bye na rin sa mga may balak umalis.
I'm just here.


Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to my cheerful self. Hopefully.


*****


Sis, if you're reading this, (you're most probably not because you don't have the time nor interest to read my blog anyhow-- like 95% of the time) don't deny the fact that when I call you, you always have something to do. You won't have the chance to ask me why I called in the first place. If I text you (because I'm not home), we won't get to talk either because you don't have load and if you'd call that time, I'm not home. By the time one of us get to contact each other (when you need something or when I'm not hurting that much anymore), my problem won't matter much anymore because I had my catharsis already by crying myself to sleep in an untimely hour.

Yes, times like this makes me mad at you... but you're still my best friend. So my temporary anger won't matter after it passes.

*sigh* I just need to let this out. I feel like it's eating me inside again.


*****


To all of you who would scoff while reading my thoughts above and give comments about how "emo" I am at the moment, don't be a hypocrite.

In the words of Hiei, "There is no one who does not carry scars on his heart. If there were someone in the world like that, he would be a shallow soul."

*****


Do you ever think about what a lonely and/or depressed person could do when (s)he is alone?

I mean, I could drown myself and lock the door and no one will even know of it... till after 10 hours at least.

Ok bad joke, sorry.


*****


A few minutes after I came home, alone again, I noticed my right eye itches.
I saw that it's quite red.
A virus perhaps?

I hope it's gone by the time I wake up in the morning. I have to be at the Psych Lab. I wouldn't want to contaminate people there and I refuse to wear sunglasses there.


*****


Mom called. She said that she went to a doctor. She's fine, thank God. I cried while listening to her... but I have a pretty good fake voice so she didn't even notice.

I let my mom know how much I love her, usually through my letters. I tell her on the phone before we would hang up (all the time, except at times when she's so mad she'd hang up on me without the pleasant goodbye-s) but I can't seem to tell her face to face on a very serious moment. I'm not good with drama... even though it's odd that my eyes usually look pretty after I cry.


*****


There seems to be a problem with plurk. I couldn't log in nor view pages. The site always seem to load only half way. I wonder why.


*****


I finally put up a new skin as you can see. It's still under construction, I have to transfer stuff and edit things.


****

Got to go back downstairs and force myself to eat. I look horrible for a few days na.

Labels: melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

mood: determined
listening to: Risque - Cute Is What We Aim For

I was cleaning my rather messy room when I got hold of my paper from my Environmental Science class a long time ago. It always amused me to see that I got 55/50. (I still don't understand why, really. There was no "extra credit" section. MYSTERY) My favorite part of the paper was this:

What was your personal reaction to the documentary?

Even before I watched the documentary, I’m already aware how dangerous the effects of global warming are. I consider myself an environmentalist in little ways; I tell people I know that making bonfires (siga) is bad for the ozone layer, I do not use sprays with CFCs and encourage my family not to also, I do not litter and encourage others not to (but they don’t listen though), among other things. Some would say that I am just an obsessive compulsive. Setting that comment aside, my purpose is really for the benefit of our environment (because it’s common sense that I’ll be affected by it). Since I was little, I am already concerned of pollution (especially air pollution since I have hereditary allergies) and wastes. I am also a health-conscious type of person since my body is weak and my immune system is functioning lower than others (or so they say). Due to these reasons, I really give importance to our environment.

When I heard that we’re going to watch a documentary about the environment, I got excited. I hope that my classmates and other students will see the real world and change their ways. Unfortunately though, it seems that the seriousness of the topic stayed only in the IMC, since I see them back to their unproductive ways afterwards. (I’m not trying to make them look bad, I’m just telling facts and they are like symbolic figures in relevance to our society.) I guess their argument will be that they’ll contribute only a small portion of the effect in our environment. If that’s the case and other people have that same idea, then gather them around and there’s a great number of people doing those things—which in sum, will not be a “small contribution” after all. If their argument will be that others will clean it up later, then they’ll seem like children who need looking after, which defies their sense of responsibility and initiative. If they’ll reason that the world won’t be destroyed right away, then they arrogantly reject the idea that of course the event won’t have an immediate impact because it’s slowly progressing to it (like the luke warm water turning hot). Before they know it, it’s already a dilemma. It’s really a pity—they epitomize the general population of our country. No wonder they say Filipinos are wasteful procrastinators. The streets littered with garbage, factories and cars still smoke, people who do not care if they contribute to the rate of dying of our planet—it is really a sad sight, not to mention it gives a bad reputation to our once beautifully clean country.

Watching this documentary made me realize the more fatal effects of global warming like to the polar bears and birds. I’m glad I got to know of those things because now I could somehow impart those facts to other people and persuade them to stop their destructive deeds. In the end, man really is the reason why our world is in extreme danger. How ironic that despite the need to survive, we kill ourselves. Despite the growing improvements in various aspects of our lives, it will actually be the cause of our downfall.

I hope more people (students in particular—because some of them might be environmentalists or politicians someday) will get to watch this. Even if they go back to their unproductive ways, at least knowledge of our world’s dilemma is already imparted to them. (Though they will not act upon it, there will still be at least a little chance or hope that before they litter, they’ll remember the documentary and have second thoughts about doing it.)

It will be up to us to save our planet. After all, we won’t be happy handling great crises later on.

I know there was no structure, but it wasn't an essay so it didn't matter that much.

Here are the questions before that one. (That was the last question.) Read if you're still interested. People must watch An Inconvenient Truth so that they'll be aware of the effects of global warming and how we contribute to it.

Who is Mr. Al Gore?
Al Gore is the 45th Vice President of the United States. He served the country from 1993 to 2001. He previously served in the U.S. House of Representatives (1977-85) and the U.S Senate (1985-93) representing Tennessee. In 2007, he shared the Nobel Peace Prize with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change “for their efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measure that are needed to counteract such change.”

Gore was a democratic nominee for president in the 2000 election. He lost to the Republican candidate George W. Bush in spite of winning the popular vote. legal controversy over the Florida election recount, eventually settled in favor of Bush by the Supreme Court, made the election among the most controversial in American history.

More recently, Gore has been an environmental activist, lecturing on the topic of global warming, which he labels "the climate crisis”. In 2006, he starred in the Academy Award-winning documentary film, An Inconvenient Truth, regarding the environment.


According to Mr. Gore, what are the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment?
According to Gore, the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment are the (drastically increasing) population (since people are the cause of pollution and global warming), science and technology (factories’ smoke, oil spills, chemicals, et cetera), and man’s way of thinking or attitude (procrastination, arrogance, ignorance, skepticism).


According to Mr. Gore, what are the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment?
According to Gore, the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment are the (drastically increasing) population (since people are the cause of pollution and global warming), science and technology (factories’ smoke, oil spills, chemicals, et cetera), and man’s way of thinking or attitude (procrastination, arrogance, ignorance, skepticism).


Explain the analogy between the frog and man’s attitude towards changes in the environment like global warming.
Mr. Gore gave an example of a frog that leaped in a container with hot water. Sensing the temperature, it leaped out immediately. Another example after that features the frog leap in a container with luke warm water. This time, because it’s luke warm, the frog can handle it’s temperature, thus, it stayed there. Then the luke warm water began to grow hot. The frog still stayed in the container since it can still handle the temperature. If this prolongs, the frog will be in deep trouble when it can’t handle the heat anymore.

The water represents the situation or the dilemma we’re in. If man is suddenly faced with a big crisis, then man immediately fights back or attempts to save himself. The result will be that the crisis will be acted upon and therefore saves man. But if man is put in a situation when the problem is not that big a deal [yet] (pertains to the luke warm water), man tends to procrastinate and the problem will just keep getting bigger (pertains to the luke warm water turning hotter). What he meant to say, in regards to environmental problems such as global warming, is that man right now is procrastinating in terms of making changes in the environment. If we don’t act right away, we’ll be in big trouble later.


What was Mr. Gore’s point when he presented “Reposition of Global Warming” as a theory rather than a fact?
He presented it as a theory rather than a fact because it is not yet certain whether or not the people will act on the reposition despite the fatal situation of our world. The Reposition of Global Warming will only be a fact when people react to it and actually do the reposition, eventually saving ourselves and our planet.

Mr. Gore gave a quote here as an example, “Even doctors smoke Camel.” The quote meant to point out how ironic it is that doctors smoke cigarettes when it is a fact that cigarettes endanger our health. It gives out the impression that cigarettes might not be so bad after all since doctors smoke. So in regards to people and the environment, if the men in politics (or any person with a position) and the government do not stress the enforcement about global warming, there is no guarantee that the people will act upon it when they’re informed, seeing as even the authorities do not give it a big deal, which in actuality really is a big deal.


Mr. Gore’s documentary has the US as its setting. Does it apply to Philippine setting?
Yes it does, seeing as Filipinos are procrastinators and practice ningas cogon. Our country already has many environmental hazards like smoke-belching vehicles and air-polluting/water-polluting factories. Mr. Gore’s documentary was for the whole world to know that is why he travels to many countries now and then to impart this scientific knowledge for people to act upon it. Every nation contributes; it is just that the US has the most contributions, seeing as it is one of the top countries with high technologies and other economic advancement.


What was Mr. Gore’s main objective in his program for spreading global warming? Was it technical in nature?
It is technical in nature and more than that. His objective is to open man’s mind of how our world is doing right now. It is to urge man to act upon it before it is too late. It is to lay down facts and theories to encourage man’s thoughts. Many environmentalists, theorists, and philosophers already warned man of their activities—that someday negative things will happen to our planet. What Gore is trying to do is the same. He wants to make an impact to make people listen more than ever before because the effects of global warming are fatal to us, and it’s already acting upon animals and nature in general.


What evidences did Mr. Gore present to show that Global Warming exists? Name at least three.
The melting of glaciers, change in weather, and disturbances of Ecological Niche are some of the evidences that we have global warming. Compared in the past, the glacier’s rate of melting rapidly increased in recent years. In regards to weather changes, we have more and stronger typhoons and floods, and other natural disasters—which proved to be so destructive. The disturbances of the ecological niche proved to be fatal as well; some species of animals are endangered or on the verge of extinction.


What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know, but, what we know for sure that ain’t so.” What does this quotation mean in relation to the documentary?
I think this goes to the Skeptics mentioned for they tend to be too open for skepticisms to actually believe in the already laid-down facts or limit their urge to know the truth (because it tends to be inconvenient for this matter). In relation to the documentary, Mr. Gore wants to point out that we should be over the believe-it-or-not situation, rather to act upon it since there are already these informations at hand. Unfortunately though, if people are not informed enough or have limited information—what they already know that they think they’re sure of is really not the matter. The statement proves to be very influential and controversial.

BTW, I shall change my layout very sooooon. I finally narrowed down the 3 layouts that I like the most. =)

Labels: school

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

*sigh* I'm sick and tired of watching what I eat. Kung kelan may gana na akong kumain, ngayon pa ako bibigyan ng dietary list. Oh the irony.

Tita Risma and Grandma are staying here for a few days. I'm gonna stuff myself with crabs, lobsters, cheese, and whatever's in the refrigerator. I mean, I already have a stone. My future problem will be if it will get stuck through my urinary track again like last time. It's almost inevitable, so why have a diet now?

[Err maybe because if it grows too large, it will deliberately obstruct your kidney and you'll have a bigger operation to deal with! Geez!]

Am I a masochist?
Am I suicidal?

I don't know yet but I do know that I'm FRUSTRATED.

Labels: health and beauty, melancholy

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".

listening to: Promises - Adema

I was editing some pics (basically: resizing and editing the lighting) and it occurred to me that I completely neglected this blog. I thought maybe I should just cancel my account. *sigh* Or maybe perhaps I really need to change my layout. I need a sort of drive to write again.

(I actually found some very nice templates. I can't decide yet which to use.)

Been really busy with school lately. -_-'

I updated my old blog. I changed the layout and deleted some entries. It would be my memorabilia of my teen angst. I wonder if I should write my current angst here. (LOL)

Ah... I'm just typing what I'm thinking right now. There's really no construction in this entry. Totally random. *sigh* I want a long vacation.

Ok, I really need to change this blog layout.


Give me the drive to write! x_x

Labels: random

I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".