The Drama With Me Lately
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 @ 10:25 PM
mood: 
quite melancholic
listening to: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
[WARNING: This entry is a bit dramatic. There's a bit of ranting too. You have been warned.]
Sometimes, life is so great, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.
Sometimes, everything just sucks that you couldn't stop yourself from crying... even if you try your hardest not to.
Some times, I am proud of myself because I am a serious person. But there really are those times when I hate being like this.
I believe in holding onto something or someone if it's what makes you happy. Hold onto it with all your heart. Give your everything.
Unfortunately for me, that something or someone doesn't last... even if I hold my hardest.
I've experienced a lot of those moments in my life. All things are temporary. People always leave. Yadda yada. What hurts me most about right now is... the realization that even through all of this, I always chose to stay. A family member leaves me, I stay. A friend leaves and I stay. Heck, even my computer "leaves" and I stay.
Why don't I leave first?
Maybe because I can't.
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much because even though I'm very much conscious with my stupidity I...
*****
I am always an option.
I am always second best... or third.
And even if I were the first option or even if I am the best, I am still the one being left behind. (You know what I mean, people will always have their reasons.)
Bakit ganoon?
Ayoko sana maging affected pero...
*****
People can always count on me but I couldn't count on them (multiple reasons). I always keep my promises and if I know there's a possibility that I can't, I'd say "I'll try." If I wasn't able to do it, I'll apologize pervently.
If anything will happen to me, it's sad to think that I won't have a straight thought of whom to call... because everyone's far away or everyone's busy or everyone's unreachable or I wouldn't want to bother them. (It's usually the last one. I'm afraid that they'll get tired of me or that they'll get turned off by me... for whatever reason.)
When I feel that I can get close, I will and then I'll get scared but I still I'll stay and I won't go away... so what happens next is... time will come when that person (whatever my relation is to him/her) will "drift" away and there's nothing I could do about it.
This is why I don't believe in "you make your own destiny" crap. I strongly object that saying. If I'm given the time and knowledge to make a very long-winded argument about it, heck I'll make a thesis and might even publish it!
[sarcasm mode]
Oh so you chose to be depressed from being raped by someone you know?
So since it's your destiny and you apparently made it, you did a magic spell to make your father leave you at a very young age for whatever sick reason he had that led to your current psychological father-issues.
You chose a destiny of failure on your math exam so that you would take a remedial class in summer vacation when your friends are all happy and basking in the sun?
What, masochistic moron?
[sarcasm mode end]
*sigh* Talk about weather change: I went from feeling very sad and worthless to feeling bitter and annoyed.
*****
And now I wonder...
I wonder...
Why can't there be someone like me... for me?
Ok, I'm not pertaining for someone who's exactly like me (that would be impossible), maybe I'm just looking for… someone who'll value me enough to make me feel that… I'm really, really important (outside of the family circle).
*****
Ano... guys, don't worry, this is not about him. I'm over him na for months. (Thank goodness for that.) This entry is more of a general thing, a general anxiety. I've thought of this multiple times in the past but this is the first time that I actually wrote... or rather blogged about it.
*****
I say I don't want to trust right away but subconsciously, I will.
I say I don't want to expect anything but subconsciously, I do.
I say I don't want to get close but in truth, I want to because at that time I feel happy.
I say I don't want this anymore but... I'd rather have it than nothing at all.
And then there's this sadness again. *sigh* I hate it.
In the end of my complaints, I should just say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Goodbye sa mga umalis at bye-bye na rin sa mga may balak umalis.
I'm just here.
Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to my cheerful self. Hopefully.
*****
Sis, if you're reading this, (you're most probably not because you don't have the time nor interest to read my blog anyhow-- like 95% of the time) don't deny the fact that when I call you, you always have something to do. You won't have the chance to ask me why I called in the first place. If I text you (because I'm not home), we won't get to talk either because you don't have load and if you'd call that time, I'm not home. By the time one of us get to contact each other (when you need something or when I'm not hurting that much anymore), my problem won't matter much anymore because I had my catharsis already by crying myself to sleep in an untimely hour.
Yes, times like this makes me mad at you... but you're still my best friend. So my temporary anger won't matter after it passes.
*sigh* I just need to let this out. I feel like it's eating me inside again.
*****
To all of you who would scoff while reading my thoughts above and give comments about how "emo" I am at the moment, don't be a hypocrite.
*****
Do you ever think about what a lonely and/or depressed person could do when (s)he is alone?
I mean, I could drown myself and lock the door and no one will even know of it... till after 10 hours at least.
Ok bad joke, sorry.
*****
A few minutes after I came home, alone again, I noticed my right eye itches.
I saw that it's quite red.
A virus perhaps?
I hope it's gone by the time I wake up in the morning. I have to be at the Psych Lab. I wouldn't want to contaminate people there and I refuse to wear sunglasses there.
*****
Mom called. She said that she went to a doctor. She's fine, thank God. I cried while listening to her... but I have a pretty good fake voice so she didn't even notice.
I let my mom know how much I love her, usually through my letters. I tell her on the phone before we would hang up (all the time, except at times when she's so mad she'd hang up on me without the pleasant goodbye-s) but I can't seem to tell her face to face on a very serious moment. I'm not good with drama... even though it's odd that my eyes usually look pretty after I cry.
*****
There seems to be a problem with plurk. I couldn't log in nor view pages. The site always seem to load only half way. I wonder why.
*****
I finally put up a new skin as you can see. It's still under construction, I have to transfer stuff and edit things.
****
Got to go back downstairs and force myself to eat. I look horrible for a few days na.I want to stop wondering "what-ifs".
I need to know "what is".
quite melancholiclistening to: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
[WARNING: This entry is a bit dramatic. There's a bit of ranting too. You have been warned.]
Sometimes, life is so great, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.
Sometimes, everything just sucks that you couldn't stop yourself from crying... even if you try your hardest not to.
Some times, I am proud of myself because I am a serious person. But there really are those times when I hate being like this.
I believe in holding onto something or someone if it's what makes you happy. Hold onto it with all your heart. Give your everything.
Unfortunately for me, that something or someone doesn't last... even if I hold my hardest.
I've experienced a lot of those moments in my life. All things are temporary. People always leave. Yadda yada. What hurts me most about right now is... the realization that even through all of this, I always chose to stay. A family member leaves me, I stay. A friend leaves and I stay. Heck, even my computer "leaves" and I stay.
Why don't I leave first?
Maybe because I can't.
"Mia, why do you chose to stay?"I feel so stupid right now.
"Because they're here."
"If they have their chance, they'll leave you know."
"I know."
"Why are you being stubborn? If they leave, you'll understand. If you leave, they'll understand it too."
"I'm not like them. I am not like everyone... even from the beginning."
"..."
"It doesn't feel right [for me] if I leave first..."
"What will you do when they leave then?"
"I don't know."
"Will you still stay?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
"So that if ever they need me, they'll know where to find me."
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much because even though I'm very much conscious with my stupidity I...
*****
I am always an option.
I am always second best... or third.
And even if I were the first option or even if I am the best, I am still the one being left behind. (You know what I mean, people will always have their reasons.)
Bakit ganoon?
Ayoko sana maging affected pero...
*****
People can always count on me but I couldn't count on them (multiple reasons). I always keep my promises and if I know there's a possibility that I can't, I'd say "I'll try." If I wasn't able to do it, I'll apologize pervently.
If anything will happen to me, it's sad to think that I won't have a straight thought of whom to call... because everyone's far away or everyone's busy or everyone's unreachable or I wouldn't want to bother them. (It's usually the last one. I'm afraid that they'll get tired of me or that they'll get turned off by me... for whatever reason.)
When I feel that I can get close, I will and then I'll get scared but I still I'll stay and I won't go away... so what happens next is... time will come when that person (whatever my relation is to him/her) will "drift" away and there's nothing I could do about it.
This is why I don't believe in "you make your own destiny" crap. I strongly object that saying. If I'm given the time and knowledge to make a very long-winded argument about it, heck I'll make a thesis and might even publish it!
[sarcasm mode]
Oh so you chose to be depressed from being raped by someone you know?
So since it's your destiny and you apparently made it, you did a magic spell to make your father leave you at a very young age for whatever sick reason he had that led to your current psychological father-issues.
You chose a destiny of failure on your math exam so that you would take a remedial class in summer vacation when your friends are all happy and basking in the sun?
What, masochistic moron?
[sarcasm mode end]
*sigh* Talk about weather change: I went from feeling very sad and worthless to feeling bitter and annoyed.
*****
And now I wonder...
I wonder...
Why can't there be someone like me... for me?
Ok, I'm not pertaining for someone who's exactly like me (that would be impossible), maybe I'm just looking for… someone who'll value me enough to make me feel that… I'm really, really important (outside of the family circle).
*****
Ano... guys, don't worry, this is not about him. I'm over him na for months. (Thank goodness for that.) This entry is more of a general thing, a general anxiety. I've thought of this multiple times in the past but this is the first time that I actually wrote... or rather blogged about it.
*****
I say I don't want to trust right away but subconsciously, I will.
I say I don't want to expect anything but subconsciously, I do.
I say I don't want to get close but in truth, I want to because at that time I feel happy.
I say I don't want this anymore but... I'd rather have it than nothing at all.
And then there's this sadness again. *sigh* I hate it.
In the end of my complaints, I should just say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Goodbye sa mga umalis at bye-bye na rin sa mga may balak umalis.
I'm just here.
Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to my cheerful self. Hopefully.
*****
Sis, if you're reading this, (you're most probably not because you don't have the time nor interest to read my blog anyhow-- like 95% of the time) don't deny the fact that when I call you, you always have something to do. You won't have the chance to ask me why I called in the first place. If I text you (because I'm not home), we won't get to talk either because you don't have load and if you'd call that time, I'm not home. By the time one of us get to contact each other (when you need something or when I'm not hurting that much anymore), my problem won't matter much anymore because I had my catharsis already by crying myself to sleep in an untimely hour.
Yes, times like this makes me mad at you... but you're still my best friend. So my temporary anger won't matter after it passes.
*sigh* I just need to let this out. I feel like it's eating me inside again.
*****
To all of you who would scoff while reading my thoughts above and give comments about how "emo" I am at the moment, don't be a hypocrite.
In the words of Hiei, "There is no one who does not carry scars on his heart. If there were someone in the world like that, he would be a shallow soul."
*****
Do you ever think about what a lonely and/or depressed person could do when (s)he is alone?
I mean, I could drown myself and lock the door and no one will even know of it... till after 10 hours at least.
Ok bad joke, sorry.
*****
A few minutes after I came home, alone again, I noticed my right eye itches.
I saw that it's quite red.
A virus perhaps?
I hope it's gone by the time I wake up in the morning. I have to be at the Psych Lab. I wouldn't want to contaminate people there and I refuse to wear sunglasses there.
*****
Mom called. She said that she went to a doctor. She's fine, thank God. I cried while listening to her... but I have a pretty good fake voice so she didn't even notice.
I let my mom know how much I love her, usually through my letters. I tell her on the phone before we would hang up (all the time, except at times when she's so mad she'd hang up on me without the pleasant goodbye-s) but I can't seem to tell her face to face on a very serious moment. I'm not good with drama... even though it's odd that my eyes usually look pretty after I cry.
*****
There seems to be a problem with plurk. I couldn't log in nor view pages. The site always seem to load only half way. I wonder why.
*****
I finally put up a new skin as you can see. It's still under construction, I have to transfer stuff and edit things.
****
Got to go back downstairs and force myself to eat. I look horrible for a few days na.
Labels: melancholy
I need to know "what is".
