mia2

As Vast As That Blue Yonder

2011-09-18T12:41:00.005+08:00

listening to: All About Him - Auburn

I have just decided a name for our future son or daughter.

I'm going to name him/her Ciel.
It raises so many definitions.

Now he has to think of a second name. =)

I wish to have a child when I'm 27, successful and married to you.

Of Conclusions and Recommendations

2011-09-05T05:20:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry that I don't always have solutions to your problems (ones that you would be able to "connect with"), even though I understand you more than anybody else does and could.

I hope it doesn't make you love me less.

"Will you be my guiding star?"

"Yes. I'm just here... even when it's too cloudy for you to see."

'Cause I Will Be Here

2011-08-27T09:53:00.004+08:00

mood: listening to: I Will Be Here - Gary Valenciano

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I... I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I... I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen

And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning and losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I... I'll be here
Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I... I will be here

I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I... I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together, forever

'Cause I will be here
I will be here

I love you, BAC.

Physical & Emotional Exhaustion

2011-06-02T22:54:00.002+08:00

mood: oh you'll soon read about it below
listening to: silence

Here's my result from the Colorgenics test online:

At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.

For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believe."

I suppose that pretty much sums up my current predicament nowadays.

I am thankful and grateful for the support of my mother, my boyfriend, my old friends, as well as my new friends. I am trying to cope with these emotional feelings, but I think what I need most is rest. Unfortunately though, it can't be done. I cannot have a full day of rest. I can't even manage a good night sleep. I can't even manage more than 5 hours of sleep.

Anyway, I am currently finishing my dinner (and typing this). I should proceed to printing stuff for work after this. I can't cry yet, but when I do, I bet it will feel great afterwards. Yeah.

I am hanging on.

Rings Are Circle: It Stands for Infinity

2011-05-29T13:41:00.007+08:00

mood:

listening to: To Make You Feel My Love by Josh Kelley

He wanted us to have a couples ring. Since he's been dropping hints about marriage (like. "Let's get married next month!" "When are we getting married?" "I want to spend everyday with you." "I see myself old, sitting on a rocking chair.. on my house terrace, smiling.. and you're there beside me.." and other statements), I'd like to view our future rings as promise rings or engagement rings. Sterling silver is all we could afford right now since we're fresh grads with no salaries yet. Anyway, the ladies who assisted us with the rings kept giggling. I got rather amused.

We had our fingers sized. He's a size 6 and I'm a size 3. I'm half his size-- how cool is that? Unfortunately, at Unisilver (SM Rosario), the smallest available size they have is 4. I already have shoe size problems (having a size 5 for feet) and then now, this. I expected that I have a rather unusually small ring size which would lead to limited ring choices-- however, I didn't expect a nada. *sigh*

Bryan said, we'd go look for other stores for my size. We won't look at other Unisilver branches since none of them sell size 3 rings apparently. (Our first choice to go to is Silverworks but there's no branch there.) He said that if ever we won't find any soon, then we'd just have to look for a place for customization. (Is that a legit word? Too lazy to look it up atm.) I told him that if we find none, I'd settle for a size 4 and put it on my middle finger or poiting finger... or put it on my ring finger with a tape or something (on the bottom side) just so it will stay there secured. He's still quite determined that it won't go to that extent.

I love that determination of his.

He surprised me a lot yesterday. He told me how it will be the first time he'd ever wear a ring (because rings can become rather uncomfortable when worn on a finger, he said). He's the type of guy who only wears a wristwatch and a necklace--but rarely. Hmmmmm He even jokingly said how it's great that he's willing to make life-altering choice of wearing a permanent accessory because of me... because he wants the acknowledgement that we're couples. He wants the world to know that we're tied to each other, that he's taken. It's one of the most romantic and heart-warming lines I've ever heard from him. He never fails to make me happy and swoon. I'm so happy I love him and I have him in my life. What means so much more is that... he feels the same way about me.

We're crazy for each other. We badly want and need each other. We're so in love.

He is such a blessing.

This, my friend, is what bliss and security is all about.

I'm looking forward to our rings... a symbol for infinity.

On another note:
Happy birthday to my bestfriend, May! I love you, Purda.

New Stage in Life: I Feel Blessed

2011-05-20T01:18:00.005+08:00

I will have a job soon as an English and Values teacher at St. Francis school. The commute to get there is less than an hour, traffic included.

I am about to undergo a new stage in my life.

In a way, yes, it will be different because I will have new responsibilities. However, it can be compared to student-type of responsibilities. I mean, seriously, this is how I view it:

Setting:
students - school
teachers - school

Experience:
students - learn
teachers - teach (and learn)

Non-academic activities:
students - participate
teachers - administer (and at times, maybe participate too)

Post school hours and weekends:
students - projects, homeworks, study for quizzes and tests
teachers - make lesson plans and tests, compute grades, check papers

So yeah.. let's say the teachers have more things to do because there are a lot of students. Like this:

students - have 7-10 teachers - if all give homework, then = 7-10 homeworks
teachers - have 100 students (approximate) in 5 sections, then = 5 homeworks (in a sense)

So yeah. I think (for now) that the teaching experience is sorta like being a student too plus the paycheck. I will manage my time wisely so that I can manage my time for my boyfriend, friends, and my health.

During my tough times of being busy and failing physical and emotional health, really, all I need are the support of my loved ones, sleep, goal-driven determination, and God.

I feel a bit more accomplished now.
I mean, I have a kind, patient, loving, beautiful mother who I love very much.
I have a wonderfully awesome boyfriend who I am deeply in love with and whom I can see myself with in decades.
I have friends who are protective, supportive, and caring of me.
They all love me very much.

I have a roof over my head, food on the table and ref, clothes that are in good condition, and some luxuries like the internet, books, and girl stuff.

Now, I have a job. I will soon earn money. I will not view myself as a worthless person anymore. I bet I will also love my students.

I feel blessed. I am never ungrateful.
Sure, there are times when I get overwhelmed and my mood's not that good (like any other individual), but still... I am aware that I am blessed.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Lord.
I live.

Ang Lumbay ng Wala Ka

2011-05-16T15:16:00.003+08:00

Lagi naman ako mag-isa.
Pero hindi na ako sanay ngayon.
Nakakalumbay na walang taong buhay sa buong bahay, tulog man ako o gising.
Ang pinakamamahal ko pa ay hindi ko makausap kahit sa telepono na nga lang.

Nakakalumbay at nakakatamad mabuhay.
Ayoko ng ganito.
Utang na loob, sambutin mo uli ako.

Mourning Morning

2011-05-15T12:18:00.001+08:00

"Ngayon lang!" he said through his gritted teeth.

She shivered. The last thing he said that night echoed through her ears. It kept screaming in her mind. She could still feel the emotion behind it. She could still recall the intensity from each word, the intonation, the stress, the volume, and the pitch. It burned her chest more than her ears.

"I'm sorry," she managed to choke out.

After the grueling morning of guilt, her mind is now set to earning his forgiveness and making him feel better. If only it's better to reason with him, to tell him that he misinterpreted and generalized what she said-- that it's inaccurate-- a misunderstanding, but no. When one is still emotional and quite focused on a very sensitive issue, one's ear is shut. While one ear is shut close, the heart overthrows the mind.

She knows what she said was wrong. It also came out wrong and she should have thought that it would make him sensitive in the matter. However, she realized this after she said it. It is always wrong for the mouth to take action first when the heart is backing it up, while not consulting the mind first. She knows this. Still, it happened.

"Let me suffer, I'll take it. But please, let him realize that I still want to make this work and that I love him no less than I did before," she whispered to no one. "I always love him despite anything."

What is love?

2011-01-19T14:42:00.002+08:00

To answer your question, Jozel: "What is love for you?"

Love is when you offer both arms when only a hand is needed.

=)

Sorry it took so long for me to actually form a satisfactory sentence. I'm very fussy when it comes to my grammar and vocabulary.

0.5 Anniversary

2010-11-21T22:29:00.001+08:00

listening to: It's You - Michelle Branch

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
Trace the steps with my fingertips
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

I love you.

Nearing the Half of a Year...

2010-11-15T22:23:00.004+08:00

listening to: Everything I Do - Brandy

There's this boy that I love.
I started liking him a year or so ago.
We were schoolmates
I am so lucky to have him in my life.
I'm even luckier to have him as my boyfriend.

We'll be celebrating our 0.5 anniversary soon.
He's my life.
There's no one else I'd rather be with.
I love him so much.

Pre-Halloween Update..?

2010-10-26T00:10:00.004+08:00

listening to: Billie Piper - Honey To The Bee

It's been so long since I last visited my blog. How're you all doing? Lots of stuff happened since my last update. I guess that'd mean, there's a lot I could type here. Yeah... I could get on that... or study for my Spanish test. So...

But I will update this week... well, hopefully. I've got lots of things to do. I should prioritize, I guess. Oh well. I'll be back later.

I promise.

(There. It's locked and sealed with a promise.)

'Till then, take care, everyone. Happy Halloween! =)

[edit]
I feel blessed that I get this year off. I get to do the things I've always wanted to do. I have a more-than-amazing mom. My boyfriend and I love each other very much. My friends are still with me. I feel as though this is the break I've been looking for. God finally gave it to me. He knows best after all. =)
[/edit]

Strength: You'll Find It Inside Me

2010-09-11T22:19:00.001+08:00

I guess... you forgot how strong I am.
I have always been.

And I guess... you forgot that sms you sent to me during my birthday week, the time when Lem was sick.
You said I'm strong-willed, independent, and responsible... that it's not hard to love me.
That hasn't changed and it will never change, because yes, that is me... The "best kind of girlfriend".. "understanding".. "patient".. "kind".. "forgiving".. "masarap mahalin".. "hindi mahirap pakisamahan".. "mabait".. at kung anu-ano pang naiisip/nasasabi ng mga tao.. at kung anu-ano pang online quizzes with the same results ang nag-de-describe sa akin...

I am not all those just to please people.
I am not all those just to be praised.
I am not all those to be liked.
I am all those because that is me.

Yes, I do hurt at times because I miss you terribly.. I'd like to spend time with you.. talk to you.. However, the pain, disappointments, and whatnots will not change how much I love you.
It's just like my favorite Shakespeare sonnet:

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."
~ William Shakespeare; Sonnet CXVI

Big or small life-changing events.. misunderstandings.. "arguments".. others of the like.. we'll survive it.
I believe in us and our love for each other.
Yes, even if you're weak-willed, pessimistic, negative, and depressive.
I believe it's good to have these challenges. It makes us grow and evolve together. Besides, it's inevitable in any relationship. If there were none of these, then there's clearly something wrong. LOL

I'll give you space for a week since that's what you want.. though really, since I don't demand much; even from before you do have enough space.. well, from my perspective, at least. I won't text as much.

I appreciate all the efforts you give. I appreciate even the little time and attention you give. I know you are hurting too. Who wouldn't be, right? Tiis-tiis muna, ganyan ka ka-busy eh. If you [start to] resent schoolwork or your school-life, do not resent me by extension. I have done nothing to hinder your academic progress and you know well how I fully support on that and education in general.

I agree about what you said, hoping that your lack of time and attention to me won't be an issue. Well, I have no intention about making it an issue. But let's say if ever it does become an issue in the future, we can always talk about it and resolve it.

I wish you are well.

I wish everyone I love is well, even if not happy.
You can't always be happy, you know. Pretty absurd.

I will be fine.
I have been fine; so, yeah no reason not to think/be otherwise.

Cheers to positivity!
No, I am not in denial nor turning a blind eye nor suppressing.
Yes, I can be naive at times but I'm not stupid nor blind. I just prefer to look at the good things, nothing wrong with that.
People should try that more often.
You can have your period of frustration, lethargy, depression, and the like... but then recover afterwards. Learn to stand up and go forward again.

On a side note, I learned a simple piano piece-- a recent favorite song of mine by Augustana. I found another piece, a different version, I'd master it after I master this. This will do for the meantime, since Drix still doesn't have any contact with his friend.
I'm excited to learn. I bought a music book, but I still prefer hands-on tutorial. Iba pag tao ang teacher (hindi internet o libro).

¡Tome el cuidado siempre, mis amigos!

"Because she is my rose."

2010-08-15T20:19:00.005+08:00

listening to: silence

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you — the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundred of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."
~ The Little Prince; XXI

..one of my favorite lines in the book.

I wanna wanna change my layout... but there's so much for me to choose from! I'll probably get lazy about this again. *sigh* Oh well.

MKS

2010-07-21T00:26:00.002+08:00

You know one of the greatest moments in my life wherein I'm so freakin' happy...?
..That I can be happy even if I'm having a crappy day..
even if I'm sick...
even if I'm busy...
even if I'm so tired..?

"Mahal kita... sobra."

Happy monthsary satin, Bryan.
I love you very much.

Hanging

2010-07-06T14:55:00.000+08:00

mood:
listening to: none

It's like...
being suspended mid-air...
on a cliff...

And no, this is totally unrelated to "suspense".

Help Not Dictate

2010-07-01T13:49:00.003+08:00

"Love doesn't always mean this:
dapat ganito ka..
dapat ganyan ka..
o dapat ito ang gawin mo..

but this:
kahit ganito ka..
kahit ganyan ka..
kahit ano ka pa..

..mahal kita.

Huwag laging gamitin ang salitang "dapat"...
Pwede ka mag-suggest especially during the times when you're very concerned na with your loved one. Anong mga klaseng concerns ba kamo at bakit ka mag-bibigay ng suggestions? Well, if [s]he begins hurting other people [may or may not include you], aren't you going to say something about it? Saka along the lines na rin ung self-destructive tendencies nya...

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... HELP, not dictate.
Also, help him/her not for yourself... but for his/herself.
Remember that you're doing it because you love him/her.
That is all. =)

Pure everything, ne?

I Got You

2010-06-21T11:23:00.003+08:00

I've been waiting for a long time
For someone who can make my dreams come true
You've been with me for a long time
Helpin' me through, all that I have gotten through
And I'm thankful for everything
You do for me boy, and you know that I love you
I'll take care of anything you'll ever need

Ooh, when you're all by yourself, baby
I got you
If you need someone to call, baby
I got you
There's no need to be lonely
I got you
And I know that you got me too, boy

When you smile at me, it makes me weak
I can count on you boy to be there when I'm fallin'
I didn't have to change for you to see
That nothing can ever come between you and me
I need you for who you are
And all that I am when I'm standin' next to you
I'm so lucky to have you in my life

Your heart is with me and with nobody else
I'm tryin' to keep my cool but I can't help it
I can't imagine life without your love
Now and forever you're all I'm thinkin' of

When you're all by yourself
I got you
There's no need to be lonely
And I know that you got me too, boy

Standing Firmly Though Near The Edge

2010-06-10T03:32:00.012+08:00

"'Wag mo akong iiwan," he whispered while hugging her tight.
Without saying anything, she shook her head gently.

I hope you won't leave me either.
Because... I won't know how to recover from you.

I believe God gave you to me for a very good reason.
He wants me to be loved, to feel loved, and to believe that I could and would be loved again.
You're my gift from above.

I also believe He wants you to be equally happy.
He wants you to have someone [other than your family and close friends] who will always be there for you, who will be faithful and loyal to you, who will be honest with you, who will believe in you, who will accept you for who you are as well as who you are not, and whom you can trust with your heart.

I could feel this.. this strong connection.. this sort of force so strong that I couldn't just let you go. It's like a magnet. It's quite euphoric.

I am elated as well when you told me how you feel, because I feel the same way about you.

I will take my chances with you.
I will stick to my belief that God gave you to me... so that my worries of you being "taken back" by Him will diminish even just a little, enough to lessen my anxiety of it.
I know I can't fight God's will, really no argument on that part, but if there's any means to make you stay... hopefully, I will be that reason-- just as you told me what happened in the past, "It's you. You are the reason."

*deep breath*
It is the present that is important.
I intend to enjoy every bit of it.
I shall be optimistic.
Tomorrows will look bright.

I am not very good with verbally expressing my feelings so I decided to blog about it. I need to get this off my chest in some form or another. It's a good thing he doesn't know of this link. Only a few people know of this link. It's a good thing I didn't post it on my plurk page, else "the world" would know just how sappy I could sound at times. *shrugs* I know that I will continue to write about my issues here and at some point, this blog would become.. for the lack of a better word to describe it-- insufferable.. and quite possibly repetitive like my old one but.. eh... bleh. I will write whatever I want.

Vulnerable

2010-06-01T18:36:00.006+08:00

After waiting for so long...
I hope this time, I got it right.
I hope he feels the same way.
I sincerely do.

I'm going to lower my wall.
I'm going to open up my heart.
It may take time, but I will get there.
I'm going to live.

Love makes you vulnerable.

Hope, hope, and hope.
Take a deep breath.

As long as you feel the person is worth every stab of pain in your chest.
Hold on.
Don't let go.

Tell me darlin' true...

2010-05-16T14:58:00.003+08:00

mood:
listening to: What Am I To You by Norah Jones

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you
<3

...n 55!W !

I Won't Wait For You Anymore

2010-04-17T23:54:00.002+08:00

mood: ... listening to: Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

On Hiatus? Not Exactly

2010-04-12T06:14:00.004+08:00

I have some posts currently on draft mode. Yes, I've been busy but I did not abandon my blog. Nope. No siree Bob. Anyway, once I find the time and the urge to edit them [most consist of a few sentences and some phrases], that will be the time to post them. Unfortunately, though I certainly have the urge right not, I do not have the time. My Grandma's in the hospital and there are a number of things my Mom and I have to do that might not be pushed through. It's hard to manage scheds.

So yeah. Today we have like 5 destinations. It will leave my mother physically and mentally exhausted. (She broke down like half an hour ago already. *sigh*) So "wasting time" and "pasttimes" (sp?) will not be in our vocabulary till the end of the month. So there.

I hope the rest of the world is enjoying the summer [vacation]... Yeah. Who am I kidding, right? But I do hope. *shrugs*

songs frequently on my playlist nowadays:
Ash - Shining Light
Audioslave - Be Yourself
Audioslave - Like A Stone
Dashboard Confessional - Don't Wait
Keane - Everybody's Changing
La Rocca - Non Believer
My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You
Paramore - The Only Exception

Jason and Colbie, no, I don't feel lucky.

2010-04-11T09:21:00.004+08:00

mood:
listening to:

Setting: In class
Boy1: Sa tingin mo magiging kami ni JC Concepcion?
Girl: Ha? Bakit? [Liligawan mo sya?!]
Boy1: *talks about how in the past they were friends and that the girl showed interest in him*
Girl: Ah, malay ko ba.
Boy1: *gives girl the meaningful look they both know*
...
Boy1: Ikaw kasi eh! [Kung dati ako ang pinili mo, hindi hahantong sa ganito!]
Girl: Ha? Kasalanan ko? [Eh sa tingin ko iba ang mahal mo noon!]
Boy2: *sits in front of Boy1 and Girl* Oo nga, kasalanan mo. [.. na hindi ako ang pinili mo. Masaya ka sana ngayon.]
Girl: *screams in frustration* Buset! [Alam ko, mali nga siguro ang pinili ko pero magiging ok rin ako! [Sana.]]

[cuts to another scene: going home]
Setting: On the way home
Boy1: *riding a bike*
Girl: *walking with a bike on her side, saw Boy1, saw where h's going [JC Concepcion's house], decides to tell him what's on her mind* Hoy! S-sa totoo lang-- kasalanan mo rin! [Na hinayaan mo akong paniwalaan na hindi mo ako ganong kamahal.]
Boy1: Ha?
Girl: Ka-kasi... Kung tutuusin... P-pwede naman maging tayo ngayon! [Dahil hindi na kayo ni *toot*!]
Boy1: ?!
Girl: O ano?! Di ba? [Pero hindi pa rin ako ang pupuntahan mo!] *gives him a meaningful look that both of them understands*
Boy1: *gibberish stuttering*
Girl: *hops on her bike and rides it away from Boy1*
Boy1: *turns his bike to catch up to Girl*
Girl: *to no one in particular* Ahh! How nice it is to learn how to ride a bike and learn how to swim, both in the same year!
Boy1: *catches up with Girl* You finally learned?

Then I woke up.

I settle my issues usually in my dreams. That is why whenever I feel like I'm not affected by anything [in the real life], I wait till I dream. The ones that I remember makes me figure out just how affected I am from it. It is like... perhaps consciously, I do not feel or think that I am affected because my brain could be shielding me from it. i.e I don't think of him at all now. I don't miss him anymore. *while dreaming* I hardly see you anymore. I miss you!

So I guess... I have been thinking about him at the back of my mind lately. I guess I really am not over him. It sucks. It sucks to still be in love with the same person for 5 years now.

Jason and Colbie might feel lucky. I certainly am not.

Sure, being in love is such a wonderful feeling but... getting yourself stuck with the person who doesn't love you as much and you don't see enough... is just heartbreaking.

If he does get over his ex, will you be the one he will think of?

If he doesn't, you'll be heartbroken to find him picking another girl.
Why can't it be me? You said [in the past] that you love me too?
Many responses/reasons:
I guess I don't feel that way about you anymore. [Coz I don't see you enough anymore. You know, "out of sight = out of mind = eventually, out of heart]
I still don't love you enough. [I'll feel guilty being with you when my heart don't feel enough love for you. It won't be fair to you.]
You're too good for me. [I have treated you bad in the past. You don't deserve me. You need to find someone who will treat you better and love you more. Then I'd be happy for you.]

If he does pick you, what would that mean, really?
I picked you because I love you [as my second].
I picked you because you love me. [Because in my situation now, I should be with people who loves me.]
I picked you because I realize how important you are to me. [Because you're always there for me, loving me unconditionally. It would be easy being with you.]
I picked you because I realized that the two of us are destined to be together. [How many times have my past relationship haven't worked out? But you stayed. It must mean something.]

Ok, ok, I suppose all those last responses only mean two things: you're his next love [second choice] and it's because you love him that is why the assurance made him feel confident that you're his right choice [whether he loves you enough or not]. Still very sad, isn't it? *sigh*

I really need pseudonyms for the people in my life.

. . . . .

2010-01-30T23:55:00.004+08:00

I know this should be the time when I'd talk about what happened during our retreat, but I've no urge to and there are other things I should focus on. This doesn't mean that I won't ever talk about it, I'm sure I will.

About my other entries to which I kinda left hanging-- I'll get on it after midterms and our defense.

me: My finger! It's bleeding internally that's why you can't see the blood! Coz it's all internaaaaaal~!
[...]
May: .. *dangerous, annoyed tone* Would you like to bleed externally?

Happiness and Contentment: Similarity, Difference, and the Connection

2010-01-24T13:35:00.008+08:00

listening to: Jumper by Third Eye Blind

I have just spent like 15minutes or so thinking and typing about this quotation that a friend of mine posted on his Facebook status days ago:

"Being contented and being happy are two different things. You may be contented but not happy and you may be happy but still not contented. Which one should you choose?

I'll post the stuff that I typed once I'm done editing it.. coz my thoughts might appear incoherent if I simply paste what I typed here. But that would mean later on this evening. I lost the drive na kasi.

I wish I also majored in Philosophy or even just Logic so I could "argue better".

Serious Character Analyzing Mood

2010-01-22T22:59:00.003+08:00

I just watched Clueless. RIP Brittany Murphy. I plan to do a character analysis [probably won't be as good as it sounds] because I'm in that mood. LOL I might post it up later depending if I see it fit to post. Doing an in-depth character analysis will take me days to complete so I'd rather just type whatever comes to mind. Yup, free.

So yeah.

Sucked Energy

2010-01-22T18:39:00.007+08:00

state: pensive
listening to: Replay by IYAZ

Schoolwork and my expectations for myself is draining the life outta me.
I don't dare to go near any weighing scale, not that I have one [coz I don't].
The very presence of it makes me sad.

I'm glad that we'll be graduating soon only because I'll be free from academic anxiety.
But really, the downside is... I'll miss my friends terribly.

You know you could live without your loved ones... but it's not the same as living with them.

(I was gonna type "but what's the point?" then I realized how... it brings to mind suicidal tendencies. As a psychology major, I must choose my words carefully. Then again, I always do. )

There's also no doubt I'll miss school life.

But then again, I'll be back on school for Spanish lessons at Cervantes.

So now I'll just hang on.
I almost resemble a zombie and my clothes don't fit me [again] anymore.
But come vacation and I'll transform.

I'll transform.

Asan Nga Ba Ako

2010-01-20T22:46:00.005+08:00

listening to: Migraine by Moonstar88

You have to analyze your feelings first before you dive any further.

LOVE
IN LOVE
MISS
OBSESSION

They're all different.

You can love someone without being in love with him/her.
Just because you think of him/her constantly doesn't mean it's love. It could be obsession.
When you miss someone, it doesn't mean you still love him/her. Missing is just missing. You could be trying to put something that isn't there naturally.
You enjoy his/her company because [s]he is really a fun person. Are you attracted to him/her or just his/her personality?

And there will be times when you're totally oblivious of what really is happening.

It's that time when you think [s]he is no more than a friend or an acquaintance to you. Gradually, sympathy would evolve to care and care will evolve into like, then eventually love. But it's still different from being in love, isn't it?

When you put a word on a feeling, somehow it intensifies, doesn't it?

That's why don't conclude right away.

Sometimes it's just hormones. Pretty misleading. It could pass.

Do you stop your feelings before it evolves?

What are you afraid of?

Do you deliberately push yourself to feel something that is not naturally there?

Who are you fooling?

Is it worth it?

Oh dear, my thoughts are all over the place, I wonder if there's any consistency among them.

Oh well. I'll leave it like that.

One last thing: dear reader, I hope you see through the lies and the facade. A lot of people are masters of manipulation and deceit.

It's nice how I tend to blog a lot recently. Hope I didn't jinx it.

Smoke In The Livingroom Makes Me Cheerful?

2010-01-13T12:48:00.008+08:00

mood: cheerful [?! lol]
listening to: none

I was cooking a hotdog this morning. Yes, a hotdog. There's onlyone left. Can't believe it? Can't believe why on earth would someone leave a hotdog and not just cook it with the rest of the batch? Well, it amazes me too.

So anyway, I thought I set the stove on minimum fire [is that how it's called?]. I went upstairs to log on the internet and check some stuff; the usual routine.

In a few minutes I started to smell smoke in my room. I freaked out when I saw the smoke actually crawling from the staircase.

I quickly went down to the kitchen and found myself squinting through the smoke that enveloped the entire room.

I saw the pan. It looked like there was tornado or a cyclone or something... of smoke.

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

I swear, it looked facinating.

The hotdog wasn't even visible at that moment though so I hurriedly turned off the stove and tried to shoo away the smoke with pot holders. Yeah, not really effective. I went to the livingroom and turned on the electric fan, hoping that my neighbors won't think my place is really burning.

"No, I'm fine. The hotdog's not though."

That would be embarassing.

Nah, they won't think that... the smoke smelled like grilled food, so...

So when I got bored trying to shoo away the smoke and ventilate the room, I decided to call Ate Val about the quiz this afternoon. When I was talking with her, she remarked, "Hey your voice sound cheerful today!"

Translation: "What's up? Any good stories you'd like to share with me?"

So I told her what happened earlier with the hotdog.

"Only one side was burnt? Was it black?" she managed to ask while laughing so hard.

"Yeah, it's like Two-Face!"

So... can someone tell me if there's like some chemical reaction to the human body when we smell smoke? It doesn't make anyone high though, right?

Nah, I'm just kidding.

My throat is starting to hurt now though.

Quickies

2009-12-25T23:32:00.008+08:00

mood: bleh
listening to: .. the noise coming from the electric fan

Believe it or not, I have like 5-7 entries here on my blogger that I didn't post. [Don't ask. Hmm I may tell the reasons... later. Maybe. Idk.] So yeah. Gone hiatus for so long so to make up for it, here are some stuff that's been going on with my life.. and in my mind [in no order].

* I recently got a laptop. It's a Sony Vaio VPCCW16FG. [originally planned to get a CS model but it's old so they don't sell it anymore. It's white [didn't get the pink one because it will seem unprofessional if I use it for serious stuff later on in my life, the black seems boring for me, and the I don't like to have the purple one]. I named it Vai and though the name seems feminine enough [feminine and... effortless] ... Idk, somehow I still feel like-- if I'm gonna put like a gender label on an object-- that it's more of a male. *shrugs* I know, I'm weird. But yeah. Maybe it's because I have a friend who also has a white Vaio and he's male or maybe because I have Peter [my pc] and it's got a male name? Idk, Ima end this explanation.

* Got wifi now too.

* I still use Peter a lot since the programs and softwares that I'm used to are there and I like to use the mouse.

* I availed for scholarship at my college. If only I had like a 91 [for my lowest grade] then I could probably get the "100%" discount/money back on tuition fees with my average. Instead, I could just avail maximum of "75%". Ah well, better than nothing. [I just don't feel like I deserve it.]

* It seems I have more FML moments in my life recently than all the past years combined. On the bright side, those experiences made me more mature, helped me grow, you know, made me realize a lot of important things [usually dark ones, the dark side of reality], and changed some of my beliefs. Ok, so most of them made me sorta darker but I get to appreciate light more. If that made sense. Huh.

* The plan to go to Switzerland to study Spanish is cancelled. I'll study at Instituto Cervantes in Manila as previously planned. I am both relieved and sad. Relieved that we won't have additional expenses and that I would have more fun "dressing up" our future home. Sad-- simply because, dude, it's a "vacation" in Europe. (My other relatives who live in Germany would ask me to come visit them too.)

* I'm so worried about our thesis. I'm so worried that we won't have enough time to finish it by graduation.

* My lip condition is getting worse. I guess I'll blog about it when I'm ready. From my research, if my prognosis is right, it's nothing fatal and it's not contagious... as long as it won't swell. Then that's cancerous.

* I kept forgetting to schedule ultrasound check-up for my kidneys. It's been months, too long. My doctor's probably mad at me already.

* I'm scared that I won't graduate.

* I'm scared what becomes of me when I do graduate.

* But I'm also quite excited about graduating. I won't be worried about grades for a long time. Such rest is much needed for my brain. Free from academic anxieeeeeeeety!

* Then I'll get to worry about my Spanish classes.

* Lost weight. Kept sleeping though. WTH, right? I mean usually vacation breaks like this most people would complain how they gained so much weight and that they hated it. When will I get to have that moment? [Probably when I'm already in my 40s.]

* The craze for playing Cafe World ended. I still like it, don't get me wrong. I'm just not as crazy about it like a few weeks back. Guess it happened when I got all the decorations that I want. I still love my cafe though. It's wish fulfillment, seeing it everyday. So even though my craze died, I still play it.

* So happy CardGamesFTW [LittleKuriboh] won the Mashables open web awards. You deserve it. You and your "team". [KROOOOOZE! lol and those who manage the site] You're awesome, man!

* I can't wait to watch Avatar: the last Airbender and Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland next year!

* Might spend New Year's Eve at Jonah's with her family and possibly, May. She said she'll go but I don't know if she asked permission yet.

* As it turned out, I'm not going to change this blog's layout any time soon, so... Bleh. And I was so hyped about it months ago.

* Our house is starting to take shape. I went there to the site to talk to the engineer and check it out. Maybe I'll put pics of it here later.

* A friend of mine cancelled on me on the last minute. Sad. On the rescheduled hang-out day, didn't show up, didn't even send me a notice. So I guess I was stood up. Disappointed. It makes me wonder why I continue to believe or trust in these kinds of people. *sigh*

* Had the driest Christmas ever in my life. [The 24th was better.] Past experiences had been, you know, boring or sad or whatever but really, this time I didn't even have the interest to turn on the television or watch a Christmas movie or stuff myself with my favorite food. I spent the day on the internet, watching old youtube videos, took a bath, made chicken and corn soup, ate an apple, talked to Mom and Tito Ji for a few minutes, talked to a friend [via sms-- until it was cut because of "busy network"], and well, typing this blog. No, I didn't go outside. I didn't eat lunch. I'm so bad that I didn't go to mass. This is like the only year that it happened. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel terrible almost all the time.

But anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. I sincerely hope you'll enjoy the rest of your holidays. We go back to school on the 4th of January, too soon, I know. [I hate it.] So there ya go. Ima come back here soon for other updates.

Love and Peace

James Jean in Manila!

2009-11-19T20:50:00.006+08:00

listening to: Bright Red Star by Stereophonics

James Jean is a Taiwanese-American award winning artist and illustrator. His clients include Atlantic Records, Rolling Stone, Prada, Time Magazine, and The New York Times.

He illustrated covers for the comic book series Fables! =)

Here's his website.

Cycle: At Least It's Not Always Down

2009-11-18T00:31:00.008+08:00

mood: feel miserable
listening to: Overdue by Get Up Kids

[edited so as not to attract rain clouds]

My loneliness is back.
It's back and it seems like it grew twice it's size.
I don't know what triggered it.
I'm so confused.
I've been hanging out a more frequently with my pals lately and generally have fun, so I really don't get why I still feel this way.
So it's certainly not the company.
My laughter with them comes from the heart.

For 5 days last week, my eyes feel really swollen.
Some noticed that they are swollen.
I feel that it is... like it's hard to open
I have proof, actually-- photos taken by a friend.
It was the only time I noticed, rather, acknowledged it.

I wonder if it connotes as a foreshadowing... that unconsciously, my body's preparing for waterfalls on the next days to come.
Does that sound insane?
Or maybe... I was already crying. Just without visible tears.

This kind of loneliness...
I hate it.
I wish for it to stop.
I could say it for a thousand times.
It could get very overrated on this blog.
Heck, whoever is reading this probably already rolled their eyes a dozen times and think about how emo I am.
[Well, save yourself, close this blog.]
I know last year I've decided that unlike my old blog, I would only post light, cheerful entries here.
You know, keeping records of how I am a different person nowadays.
That different used to mean "a lot happier with her life".
Now, I guess it only means "different-different".

I hate that every thing is temporary.
I hate how happiness comes to me in fleeting moments.
Why can't I have something that lasts? You know?
Sure, one can be cheerful.
The question is how long does it last?

After a nice laugh, do you lose that smile right away or does it still linger even though it's been minutes since?

I want to have that.
I want to have that calmness and assurance.
I want to be the kind of person who walks in a crowd of people with a smile on her face, not thinking if she'll be happy tomorrow because she knows that she's happy right now and that nothing else matters.

I want to go back to my old self.

By chance, if ever in the future I get blessed with a good family,
I won't let my child be alone. Even if [s]he would hate me.
If I really can't be there for him/her, I'll find some way.
I just don't want him/her to experience this kind of suffering.
It's too great.

:+:+:+:+:
[Pardon the tenses, though I'm done with my drama, my thoughts might not still be consistent at this point. But I think I'm still comprehensible.]

Even though everything is temporary, it doesn't mean that after whatever it is that happened won't be back.
No, it could come back.
Just like this feeling.
It's that dreadful cycle.
Since it's temporary, I would cry when I couldn't take it anymore.
After I'm done, I'll feel a little bit better.
Then tomorrow, the tap turns again.
But at least I don't cry every minute of the day, I guess.
Else my eyes might just fall from its sockets.
Then I'll proceed to think of ways to end my misery.

Besides, if this is a seasonal thing, once it's done I'll just have to wait for it next year.

You know, even if some events took the turn for the worse or if things will not get any better, you can always be better...
Cause you're not a thing, you're human.

As I grasp my little cross in desperate hope to end the pain in my chest and my head, I still hope for better days.
It's better than not hoping at all, right?

One last thing, the blog layout that I worked on-- I don't have enough interest at the moment to continue working on it. I'll have to wait for that feeling to return. But by then, I'd probably end up doing a whole new different one.

So yeah, I suck. I know. I feel like crap. End of discussion.

Plans For Physical Changes

2009-11-15T20:01:00.003+08:00

mood: a bit excited
listening to: none

I need stimulation.
I feel like I have to do something different.
I'm pretty excited about changing something about myself, well, physically.
Hair dye will have to wait-- after grad.
Henna on my [secret] and [secret] will also have to wait.

Piercing! I had plans like years ago [I think that was sophomore year] that I'd get a second set of ear piercing.
Just a stub on both ears.
But does that violate my body? I mean, "the body is like a temple", right? Is that a violation?
Make-up, as something that is applied and can be removed as easily, I think, is not so bad. A piercing, however, is like a permanent mark. Also, since it's intentional, will that double the "penalty"?

Then there are risks for allergies, infections, etc.

Great.
Now I feel like I should talk to a priest first or something.
I'm not that religious but if this will be the hindrance to Paradise then I'll be seriously pissed.
-_-"

*sigh* So I guess the only safe and convenient change for me is... nail polish.
for now
-_-"

I'm back to being just bored.

=_= . . . o_o . . . =_= . . . =_="

2009-11-09T21:48:00.007+08:00

mood: cheerful
listening to: Hit In The USA by Beat Crusaders

We finally put up Christmas decorations at the PsychLab.
I'm particularly cheerful about it.
I kept singing Christmas songs while working on the ribbons, the little Christmas tree, and the Christmas balls. XD

May, Ate Jonah, and I went to SM afterwards to chill.

Convo after eating sisig at SP:

"Mia, ayusin mo nga ang mga mata mo!"
"Anong ayusin?"
"Ang liit eh!"
"Kelan pa naging maliit ang mga mata ko? Saka pag ngumingiti ang tao, syempre lumiliit ang mata. Duh."
"Muka kang ewan. Eto o, tignan mo ung picture."
"Whoa. That's how I look like?"
"Kuhanan ko uli kayo."
"Cge."
"Mia! Ayusin mo nga ang mga mata mo!"
"Ano nanaman ba? Parang nahihirapan na tuloy ako ngumiti, chaka! Na-conscious ako. Ching!"
"Ano ka ba. Kulang lang sa tulog yang si Mia. Hahaha."
"Hehe! Para kasing ang lungkot ng mga mata mo!"
"Patingin ako. Ang weird. Kayo na nga na lang ang kukunan ko. It's not my photo-day today."

I was in the mood pa naman about taking photos.
I realized kasi na bihira kami ni Ate Jonah may kuha na kami lang.
Hmm... Hindi ako kulang sa tulog.
Hmmm... I wonder what's up with me.
What is this, biological mutation?
*dun dun duuun*
Haha.

Avatar the Abridged Series ep.8

2009-11-02T19:24:00.004+08:00

mood: happy
listening to: none

I crack up every time I watch this.
Great work, GanXingba.

My favorite lines:
0:48
"I went to the Light Yagami School of Strategy. I can practically predict the future."

1:34
"Oh well. I've been waiting for an excuse to do this. Beep-beep!"
[Reference: Road Runner. C'mon, tell me you know that.]

2:55
[ROFL]

3:50
"Well hello there, looover."

3:59
"Avatar! Come with me if you want to-- Aww! I used all my finger paint making this mask!"

4:19
"Isn't it a little ironic that sucking on frogs cured for stupid?"
"Oh yeah, like rain on your wedding day ironic."

4:57
"How did you know I was the avatar with that mask on?"
"I don't know if you've noticed but you're the only bald kid in the entire world."
"He's right. You really are.

6:26
"The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now I am the master."
"Only a master of evil, Zhao."

"Why am I making this hard on myself?"

2009-10-16T17:39:00.006+08:00

mood: chirpy
listening to: Happy by Natasha Bedingfield

I love "sembreak".
I love how I could relate so much to this song after such a dark month at school.

Landlords knocking at my door ~~cussing me out~~
Got laid off my "job" the night before
Can't figure how
I'm gonna fix tomorrow away
If today's still a mess
Can you tell me what's the point man
It all seems meaningless

I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world's trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me
That it's ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, ~~got my love~~
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie
People hide
People cry
People fight
~~And they don't know why~~ [NO. They DO know.]
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of [the cause of fear]
Cause fear is only in our heads

Any day I'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing ~~I'm blinded to the lesson~~
That could be a blessing if I'd be confessing that the enemy
I'm trying to beat is hiding inside of me

But it's ok now
What are you worrying about

Keep your grind on, girl
It's your love, it's your world

"This, too, shall pass."

2009-10-11T23:31:00.008+08:00

mood: sad yet optimistic
listening to: none

A lot of bad things happened recently.
It makes me think of Murphy's Law.

Still, I have to hold on and do my best.
I wouldn't be me otherwise.
=|

"This, too, shall pass."
That saying helps me calm my nerves [for years].

Take a deep breath and repeat after me...

*****

On a lighter note, I finally got a printer.. I mean a 3-in-1. It's on sale. It's a Canon Pixma MP198, which I conveniently named Pixy. I think we're gonna be close. Thank goodness I don't have to wake up early, go running off to internet cafés, worrying about deadlines and the fee, or other kinds of mishaps along the way...

Also, instead of taking pictures of my drawings, I could simply scan it.

Study Spanish in Switzerland?!

2009-10-03T18:01:00.011+08:00

mood: cheerful
listening to: Ride Of Your Life - John Gregory

Mom and Tita Risma called me from London. It's Tita Risma's last day there. I think it's a 4-day vacation. I would love to have that kind of life. To travel around places, visit family and friends from all over the world. Tita's lucky. She lives in Switzerland and whenever she feels like it, she could travel around Europe with Tito Peter and their dog, Tino. I miss them.

Speaking of Tino, a few days ago as I was looking through photos from my vacation in Switzerland and London, I found a really cute picture of him. I edited it and posted it on my plurk.

He's adorable.

Anyway, I miss Switzerland and London... terribly. I mean, whenever it's cool here [or cold] and I smell coffee, I'd think of the airports. Whenever I hear Beethoven, I think of Europe. When I see pastries, I'd think of Tito's baking. I want to go there again. I want to travel to Spain, France, Rome, Italy! I want to eat different kinds of food, visit picturesque places, buy souvenirs, go to orchestras, see different kinds of plants and flowers, inhale that fresh air! *pants*

There's a lot I'd do when I travel.

Going back to the phone call... After asking if I'm fine here, how's Lola doing, what color of boots do I like, et cetera, Tita Risma asked me if I'd like to study Spanish in Switzerland. I gaped. She said it would be great and that my cousin Kuya Rey could visit coz he's near the country. I was speechless. I mean, the plan was I'd study Spanish at Instituto Cervates de Manila right after I graduate!

After Tita Risma, Mom tried to convince me. I told her it'd be cheaper if I study in this country. Then she said, "You won't have any say in the matter if I command you to go," and laughed.

I can't believe this! If I have my way, I'd go there right now!

Alright, gotta weigh pros and cons about this. Since it's only gonna be for vacation, it means I won't have to like live there for more than 2 months. Also, I've been dreaming of going around Europe after I graduate. (Well, if not Europe then it'd be Japan, Singapore, and Hong Kong.) Another note, I'll get to hang-out with my cousin whom I haven't seen in a decade! I miss him! He'll struggle speaking in Tagalog, have an accent when speaking in English, and I'd struggle picking words that he could understand in English! It'd be great!

I could also ask him to play the drums... and perhaps teach me some notes. Then I'd have my catharsis. Just kidding.

I guess there are only a few things that I ~~might~~ worry about. I mean, if I get like a job offer after I graduate, it'd be like a loss if I don't take it. But then again... there will be other offers [hopefully] in the future.

Aside from that, years ago I planned that if ever I'd travel to those places mentioned earlier, I'd have a good DSLR, laptop, and a camcorder.
DSLR - because I love photography
Laptop - so that when I get bored of reading and tire of looking at nature, I could go OL or perhaps edit pretty pics
Camcorder - to record my experience, post vids on youtube, burn them to DVDs so that my family will get to watch me and how my vacation went, etc

All those things are seriously far from my grasp at the moment. I have no savings and even if I start now, I won't have enough. I'd rather not ask Mom for those. I remember she offered to buy me a laptop 2 years ago. I declined. I told her Peter, my 9-yr-old pc, is still working well. (It gets some problems once in a while, but it's ok. I still have enough patience for it, really.) She said it's a necessity and that Peter needs to be replaced. "Replaced", sure, but I won't sell it or give it away. He's too precious to me. For less than a decade, he's helped me cope with my loneliness and witnessed my growth. But I was stubborn so... I declined. I have a good feeling she'll buy it for me as like a graduation gift.

Unfortunately, the time when I desperately need a portable computer is now so that I won't have to go home just to edit stuff or get a document that I forgot. Other than that, I really need a bigger HD. Peter's is only 20GB. That means I get to use like 19GB or so. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I can't just find an internal HD that could match him right away coz he's an old model. Max, my Maxtor 160GB EHD got corrupted recently. I freakin' lost 18GB of back-up files. I was so disappointed. Once upon a day, I plugged it to Peter and found no files in it. I almost went hysterical. Now I'm trying to choose which recover files program thing to download and try to rationalize whether or not I'd trust Max again.

Another reason: Mom and I began planning our future house and lot years ago. The lot's ours now. The house will be done in about 8 months or so. She'll be paying for it for a good amount of time. This trip could sabotage the budget. *sigh* But then again, she won't offer if she knows she can't handle it. Hmmm... Hmmm...

Now that I think about it, this might be a trick to lure me into living in Europe. Everyone kept telling me how great it would be if I live and work there. Yeah, it would be cool but... I don't know if I'm ready for that big a step. I always think of Europe as "great-for-vacation-only" for me. It's like... I couldn't stay for a long time there. I wouldn't like that and... I have to let go of my lifestyle. Concerning my friends, well, there would be the phone and the internet but... aside from those being part of the bills I'll have to handle, it's not as good as actually talking to them face to face.

I know I'm being pessimistic. I really just don't want to get my hopes up. I don't like those times when I'm so happy and then later on, something will go wrong. I shouldn't get my hopes up. I shouldn't.

Ok, enough of my *cough*issues*cough*. I'm getting waaay ahead of myself again.

Even if it's like a trick, I think it's a good idea. The fact that it will only be for vacation means in my passport, it will be stated as that. They cannot make me stay. It will be up to me to decide whether or not I'd consider working and living there.

Well how about that? Trip to Singapore cancelled. I wonder how this will go.

Suddenly there's another thing for me to look forward to... just when I'm feeling really down lately. Thank you, dear God.

Wishin' on a shooting star
The dreams alone won't get you far
Can't deny your feelings anymore
The world is waitin' right outside your door
What are you waiting for?

In your heart you know what you must do
You've only got yourself to answer to
Don't let fear of falling hold you down
Your spirit's flyin high above the clouds
You're goin' there

C'mon, here's your chance
Dlet it slip right through your hands
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
Your dreams are riding on the wind
Just reach out and pull them in
Get ready for the ride of your life

O&P

2009-10-01T06:39:00.002+08:00

Dear God, please help the Philippines.

Let's pray for all the victims of the calamity and hope that we'll all recover from the devastations.
Let's pray for the ones that had their lives taken from them. May their soles rest in piece.
Let's pray we'll be fine.

Let's donate and give our help to the victims.

FPV

2009-09-30T23:46:00.011+08:00

mood: ok
listening to: Violin Romance #2 - Beethoven

For the first time, I saw and heard someone play the violin in person. There was no mic in front of the violinist so we couldn't really hear the melody much. Too bad. It could've been a Nodame Cantabile moment. [Except that it wasn't a music competition nor an orchestra.]

I suddenly want to ask my cousin Ate Sarah to play the violin for me. Too bad we're not close. I don't even know where in Switzerland she lives in now.

Anyway, I was saddened by the fact that I have these dreams of being able to play 3 musical instruments (the flute, the piano, and the violin) and not enough time nor money to have [formal] lessons... even for just one.

When I was a freshman in high school, I got interested with the sound of the flute. It's so peaceful. I had a one-day lesson with a friend, Suzanne Baines. She's in a band at school. She lent me her flute.. or well, a part of it: the mouthpiece. She said that one must properly blow in order to create the right sounds. She told me it took her more than like 3 days to properly blow through the mouthpiece. In an hour or so, I got the hang of it. It made me wonder if I actually have a musical talent... or if she's just being an encouraging pal.

But thanks, Suzanne. I will forever remember you for that. That and your awesome shade of natural red hair.

The next day I drew a girl wearing a kimono, sitting under a tree playing the flute. Here it is:

Yeah, it's last 2002. It's old as you can see with the paper.

closer look

My desk is also old. It looks disorganized but it's actually organized.

If you study and/or analyze my drawing closely, you'll notice what my current problem was that year.

Anywa, my flute craze passed over the years. Somehow.. when I look back to how I got interested in it in the first place, it was probably because during that year, I crave peace and tranquility. I'm not going to elaborate much on how I really do need peace that year. Maybe later. Anyway, aside from that reason, it was also perhaps because in that period of early adolescence, I am in dire need to develop an identity. It was an unconscious desire. A cousin of mine plays the violin, two play piano, one plays the guitar and one plays the drums. In the back of my mind, maybe I want something to cast me aside from them but on a certain level, be one of them too.

Ah, the adolescent years.

About the piano.. even when I was little, I am pretty much attracted to piano pieces. I used to have like one of those piano/keyboard toys that kids play with. I was serious about it though. I even composed a few short pieces. I wasn't familiar with the notes back then so I'd just label the keys with numbers and list those numbers. I was a bit ambitious about my pieces. Some took days to compose, some took like a week. I think they're really good, not the "a kid made this crap" good, no. I wish you guys could hear it. I wonder where they are now.

Around a decade ago, I watched this movie called Little Secrets when we were at my Tita Cherry's house. She had cable and that movie was on HBO. It stars Evan Rachel Wood, Michael Angarano, and David Gallagher. I didn't know Wood and Angarano that time but I do know of David Gallagher because we used to watch 7th Heaven religiously on Studio 23. Anyway, it was on that time when I first got facinated with the violin.

Years passed and at the time I got addicted to Jdramas, I found this one called Nodame Cantabile. The title was very familiar to me because I would always come across the manga at National Bookstore. I thought I'd try it since a lot of people are raving about it. I wanted to rate it myself. When I watched a couple of episodes, I noticed, I couldn't get away from it! I just had to go onto the next one. That was how the series got to me. It was awesome. I seriously recommend it. My friend May doesn't really like classical music nor Jdramas. In fact, she really doesn't like Jdramas. I practically forced her to finish at least like an episode. As it turned out, I had to force her to stop watching or else she won't come to her class!

Anyway, in connection with Nodame Cantabile, I really loved watching the characters play their instruments. I loved watching and listening to Nodame and Chiaki as well as Kiyora Miki. I never knew how much an orchestra could trigger emotions like that. It sounds a bit cheesy, but seriously, I cried in some parts. In other parts, I found myself swaying a bit from the music. I simply love it. I downloaded a bunch of pieces from the internet. Some of them I transfered to my back-up EHD, Max, that got corrupted. So sad. My favorite ones are still here though. What a relief. The cds cost a lot. I checked.

So there. I appreciate and marvel at different forms of art. Just as I've tried sketching, drawing, painting, photography, and others, I'd like to experience music... To not merely listen. I'd like to create music and be able to share the music that I create.

Intrams 2009

2009-09-26T00:06:00.000+08:00

I'm still working on the intrams pics.
I'll post them later this week.
Or next.

Feast of St. Augustine 2009

2009-09-25T23:32:00.013+08:00

mood: ok
listening to: I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic At The Disco

We're been so busy with schoolwork recently. It's rather hard to find time to do other things. I found myself craving sleep on the most inconvenient times. On my free time [what I would like to call as "moments to keep my sanity"], I'd read YA fiction, edit photos to blog, play games at Facebook [Pet Society, Happy Farm.. currently addicted to Farmville.. occassionally go to Typing Maniac and Buddy Poke..], watch stuff on Youtube, and at times I'd go to Plurk.

I must say, in the past, I'm one of those people who'd get mad and comment to others about them messing around other stuff instead of doing schoolwork. Now I understand why they'd to that and still get their schoolwork done. It's because you cannot not have a break. You have to clear your mind from stress. As long as you don't use your free time to procrastinate, then doing other seemingly unimportant activities every once in a while is fine. (Seemingly unimportant to others, but not to you-- is what I meant.) You need to de-stress too, you know. You're not a machine.

So there. Other than those stuff that I do, I also eat snacks. I hit a new level of skinny-ness now with my dark circles. I look horrible. So in every waking hour here at home, I'd eat. They're mostly unhealthy stuff though. Well, most snacks are, right? I know they're bad but I'm hoping it'll keep me from becoming a character from Nightmare Before Christmas [Jack]. So yeah. I mostly eat Fita, Hello Panda, Brownies, cakes, and Lays nowadays. Sugar will keep me alive with schoolwork. Unfortunately, after that, I'd suffer.

I'm also currently addicted to milk tea. It ain't good for my health especially since I rarely drink water now. Tea in the morning, tea in the afternoon, tea at night, tea at midnight, tea after midnight... Yup, my water intake took a turn for the worse. I am ashamed as soon as I realized it. I'm unconsciously killing my kidneys. I'm shooo shooooorry. I'll go back to my water-hydrating regimen, I promise.

On the brighter side, if I was addicted to coffee and drank like.. oh 7 times a day in mugs.. then I'd probably be a few feet under the soft, earthy soil now. It's a good thing my superego reacts so much every time I thought of the word "coffee".

So yeah. Anyway, I'm blogging today about the recent activity we had at school: the Feast of St. Augustine! [08.28.2009] We collaborated with Sebcom, the organization of AB Mass Communications, since they're the other course within our College, the College of Arts and Sciences. Thus, we're called as CAS.

Here are the photos of the event:

Feast of St. Augustine [08.28.2009]

As I was in the crowd, taking shots of the karakol dance competition, I saw a very good pattern of hats. I tried to get a good angle of them. This was the result.

I love it. This is my favorite shot.

Perhaps this week, I'll get to post about Intrams week as a sort of catharsis from the busy schedule.

Your Talent

2009-09-23T19:52:00.007+08:00

listening to: Calling All Angels - Train

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours."
~ Ayn Rand; Atlas Shrugged

"Just remember, don't let him take it[your talent]."
~ Jake Jagielski; One Tree Hill

SIGNS, a short film

2009-09-21T22:33:00.001+08:00

the description:
One of the 2009 Cannes Lions winners!

A simple short film about communication.
Created by Publicis Mojo and @RadicalMedia
Director: Patrick Hughes

I love it.
=)

Too Much Eff in Less Than 10mins.

2009-09-17T16:36:00.005+08:00

mood: really pissed
listening to: none

It's been so long since I've been really, really, really pissed off at someone.
It's bordering the word "loathe" now and I never thought it'd come to that.
I've tolerated people dissing me but what happened earlier in the day really set me off.

I talked to Ate She about the person who pissed me off.
I have never used the F word so much in less than 10 minutes.
But venting was not enough.

I bought a cheap pencil and broke it.
It was rather easy to break and I hated that.
I should've bought a better one.
Then I'd get the satisfaction of breaking it.

I was too mad to cry.
I do not want to see that person ever again.
Effin' narcissist, self-centered, sadistic p.o.s!

I'm gonna go back to reading Macbeth.

It's too important to me.

2009-09-08T07:45:00.007+08:00

listening to: Calling All Angels - Train

"I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and see a really great band, live for the first time, you know, and nobody's saying it, but everybody's thinking it: we have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling, but I can't. And if I can't be great at it then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."
~ Peyton Sawyer; One Tree Hill

That's exactly how I feel.
It's too important to me.

Gluttony Is Still A Sin Even For Someone As Skinny As I

2009-08-31T22:42:00.009+08:00

mood: mas o menos
listening to: How To Dream - Sam Phillips

My gosh I eat too much [nowadays].
My stomach feels like it's gonna burst.
... But I still wanna eat.
I hate feeling bloated though.

BTW, I'm done with my blog layout.
[I actually finished a layout! Hoorah!]

I might apply it in the next day or so.
I still have to work on the links section.
Some of my friends have abandoned their sites so...
Yeah...
Update, update.

It's "Midterm Week" this week!
Happy New Month starting tomorrow la!

Now I really want another brownie.

P's M and C

2009-08-23T23:56:00.000+08:00

mood: pissed
listening to: none

Person A is a "good" person. Person A then commits a mistake once or twice. Person A becomes an eye-sore to the population.
Person B is a "bad" person. Person B did something good one or twice. Person B becomes an idol to the population.

let's just say...
"good" - moral
"bad" - immoral

How strange it is that people like Person As better than Person Bs nowadays.
As if one or two mistakes take away years of good deeds.
As if one or two successes/correctness take away years of bad deeds.

It's as if committing a mistake for once degrades a person's worth.
It's as if doing something good for once can justify years of sins.

"Goodbye, good reputation."
"Hello, good reputation."

What, is it just like that? Snap and that's it?

Some people are too close-minded and/or arrogant to think more about this.
They don't analyze the person.
They don't care about the feelings of the people they criticize.

In saddens me.
But it sickens me even more.

Cinemalaya 5inco, HP6, Spag, August Films

2009-08-09T17:56:00.032+08:00

mood: I feel accomplished!
listening to: Utada Hikaru - Flavor of Life

Ok, I edited my 3 most recent blog entries: elaborated them, added pics and vids, and made it one-- like a burger. Err... yeah. Now that made me hungry. Anyway! So this entry is very long and vid-packed, so... enjoy watching... if nothing else.

[07.18.2009]

Cinemalaya 5inco was great. I loved all the films we saw. The short films were good too. Franchez, you should go watch! =D
Thank you so much Pong!

For those who do not know what Cinemalaya is-- it's a film festival held annually in the Philippines (specifically at the Cultural Center of the Philippines in Metro Manila). It features Filipino independent full-length films as well as short films (known as "shorts").

These are the short films that I saw:
[Shorts A]
Andong
Diamante Sa Langit
Maikling Kwento
Putot
Trails of Water

Pong was right on time [perhaps early] there so he got to watch all of 'em. Unfortunately, because I was late [grr] I did not get to watch some of them-- but the ones that I did saw where nice.

The first one was about two brothers who were quite excited to go to this like festival [I really don't know what the celebration was] in a meadow to fly their kite. By the time the siblings came to the meadow, the celebration was over. But that did not stop them from flying the kite. That's especially the part I like. I saw a lot of symbols: the kite, the siblings, the celebration/festival, etc. It could mean a lot of things: The kite symbolizes success as it soars high in the sky. The festival could be like... celebrating the success of these individuals. When the brothers came and found out that the celebration was over, it didn't stop them from flying their kite. Perhaps there's the "no matter what happens, as long as my family’s here" theme. Or it could mean freedom… as the kite flies high in the sky, ready to go wherever the wind takes him. [I'm not going to dive into defiance as the meaning of the kite, you know, with the whole "you can soar in the sky however you want, but you're tied to me" --since the kids exude happiness and contentment.]

...or all the things I said are completely wrong or that I over-analyzed something so simple.

The second one I saw was about this lady whose son [or was it grandson? Oh gosh I forgot na...] recently passed away. The wake was held at this tiny chapel. She was the only one there most of the time. Guess they don’t have relatives around [or they don’t have relatives, period]. Needless to say, she was sad and miserable. One day, a boy came followed by his father. They talked and she felt somewhat consoled. "Misery loves company", after all. I feel so sorry for the woman. It's so hard being alone. The first scene- the bathroom scene—was particularly heartbreaking.

The third movie I saw was set on an obscure village. Residing there was this sort of a… tribe. There was a little girl there who couldn’t speak... or wouldn't. I’m not sure. But it could be... perhaps a sign of Post Traumatic Stress [PTS]. [Take note: loss of speech, refusal to speak, and impaired speech are all different.] There was an incident in her life when people in their village were being murdered and she witnessed it. A close family member was killed. She escaped. Her father resents her afterwards. Maybe he blames her for the incident, I don't know. What I do know is-- she's his daughter. The poor kid witnessed a massacre, give her a break! She's already having a hard time adjusting, the kids in the village make fun of her, and she can't go to school [because she can’t speak... or for whatever reason- if there is other than that]. At least she was alive. Poor girl.

Near the end of the film, it was shown that she's gonna undergo some sort of ritual. [I didn't understand it.] It showed how she wants her father to appreciate her and that she wants her family to be proud of her.

Some people just want something as little as acceptance or recognition... Why is it hard to give? Why? I'd understand it if that person is really bad, to the point that people can’t help but shun him/her, but that little girl is innocent. So sad.

After lunchtime, we immediately went to see the full length films. Here are the trailers of the three films we saw [not in order]. I got the synopsis from the main site.

Dinig Sana Kita

Sana Ako'y Marinig

Nais kong sumilong sa dilim ng iyong halik
Magbulag-bulagan mawala lang ang sakit
Gustong malasing sa kakaibang damdamin
Wala nang ngunit ngunit
Wala ring aamin

Nais lumayo sa mundo kong kulungan
Ako'y nakagapos, walang patutunguhan
Gustong makita ang mundo mo sa kabila
Isang sulyap lang, sana may pag-asa

Kahit di mo ako mahalin
Kahit saan mo ako dalhin
Kahit isang saglit
Wala man kapalit
Sana ako'y marinig

Kahit isang saglit
Wala man kapalit
Bakit di mo ako marinig?

[What can I say? I fell in love with the song.]

Synopsis:
The film is a love story between a Deaf boy who loves to dance and a troubled rocker girl who abuses her hearing. One lives in the world of solitude and silence, the other in noise and fear. Crossing paths in a Baguio camp that mixes Deaf and hearing kids, both find that they have more in common with each other including a love for music.

DINIG SANA KITA is the first Filipino film to have a Deaf Actor in a Lead role. Romalito Mallari is a Deaf performer that has played several stage productions as actor and/or dancer. It also features several Deaf actors in the cast and ensemble.

Insight:
It was one of those "opposites attract" theme of love story. Though it was emphasized that the two of them are different because one can hear and the other can't, I think there's something more to think about than simply the concrete details. Take the terms [used in the synopsis] "solitude and silence" and “noise and fear". They're related. In solitude there is the fear of being isolated. Silence can be deafening. See where I'm going here?

The girl in the film feels lonely because of the situation with her parents. It's the somewhat cliché teen angst about lack of parental support / bad home situation = troublesome, lonely teen. It's an issue nowadays that should not be taken lightly. Adolescence is a crucial stage wherein personality is being developed and there is a need to find/develop one's identity.

Whenever the girl feels troubled, she'll seclude herself, diving to her world of noise. Ah contradictions. She feels lonely yet she secludes herself. She wants to "clear" her mind, yet she listens to loud music. On the other hand, the guy is sad because of his own angst but he doesn't seclude himself. He is more accepting. He is more optimistic. He doesn't run away from his problems. He actually does something about them [like giving his mom the ticket to see the show he's in] unlike the girl. Or maybe she's just fed up with trying to communicate with her parents.

Kanya-kanyang way of dealing with things. So...

I must say, I totally didn't expect the ending. The whole time I was thinking, "What's up with that weird buzzing sound she hears?" *sigh* I swear, how could I miss that? It's a clue. But anyway, I loved the movie.

Sanglaan

“Ano kaya ang nararamdaman ng mga taong may-ari ng gamit na yon na isusubasta namin? Paano kung bigay un sa kanila ng magulang nila? O kapatid? O asawa?”

Synopsis:
Sanglaan looks at seemingly simple relationships and uncomplicated events happening in a very mundane institution. A religious and single-minded businesswoman with a losing proposition, afraid of old age. A timid, vulnerable girl hopelessly in love with a high school crush. A security guard whose wife has a fragile heart. A charming and mysterious seaman just passing through. And a loan shark who won't take "no" for an answer. These are some of the characters that populate the milieu of Sanglaan, a light, funny, poignant and very Pinoy story about hope and redemption.

Insight:
It's about letting go, it's about borrowed time, it's about changes. There are a lot of themes within the relationships in this film: love for your spouse, respect for your spouse, love for your child[ren], love for that special someone, trying to understand someone you "hate", making sacrifices, setting your priorities straight, having a goal and going after it, etc.

I begin to wonder what if it was made into a series instead since it has a lot of possibilities Hmm... ok, wondering stops there. If it was made into a series, it will be... changed. It just wouldn't have that factor, that type of emotional impact… that realistic effect-- Pong said that's the charm of indie films after all. So scratch that. It is at its best—an independent Pinoy film. I'm happy I saw this. The night before we saw this, I searched through youtube for the trailer. lol

Colorum

Unfortunately, I found no Colorum trailer at youtube. Have to settle with the promotional poster:

Synopsis:
Two people. Simon a promising young cop working part-time as a driver of one of the many "undocumented" and 'illegal' FX taxis in the metro. And Pedro, a 70 year old ex-convict. An unfortunate incident forces the two together to embark on a road trip across the Historic Philippine East Coast.

But, what was expected as an escape route doomed to be a domino of crime begetting crime, becomes a wagon of life choices to them and to the people they meet. The film takes a look at the paradox of the human condition, and the "grayscale" morality that is today's Philippines.

Insight:
Sometimes it's the journey that counts, not the destination. Though the two main characters [can't say they're both protagonists, can't say they're antagonists either] became "friends", their relationship was quite rocky. One minute they’re both nice, the next, one of them becomes neurotic [usually Simon] and lethal. They encountered other characters who indirectly changed them: the young lady who wants to abort her child, the preacher who’s corrupts people, a frustrated and suicidal writer, and others with minor roles.

The ending's really tragic but predictable. You can't always have happy endings, after all. I feel so sorry for the old man since the beginning. He's still pitiful in the end. Helpless. Old people begging for forgiveness [especially to their child] is unbearable for me.

But! Though there were a lot of tragic scenes especially in the end, there were a few good laughs too! Really! It was goOoOod.

So there ya go. My first [of the many-to-come-hopefully] Cinemalaya experience.

Here are the list of winners that I got from GMANews.TV.
Best Film: “Last Supper No. 3″
Special Jury Award: “Colorum” and “Ang Panggagahasa Kay Fe” (tie)
NETPAC Award: “Baseco Bakal Boys”
National Council for Children’s Television Award: “Dinig Sana Kita”
Audience Choice (Full Length): “Dinig Sana Kita”
Best Director: GB Sampedro (”Astig”)
Best Actress: Ina Feleo (”Sanglaan”)
Best Actor: Lou Veloso (”Colorum”)
Best Supporting Actress: Tessie Tomas (”Sanglaan”)
Best Supporting Actor: Arnold Reyes (”Astig”)
Best Screenplay: “Nerseri”
Best Cinematography: “24K”
Best Production Design: “Mangatyanan”
Best Editing: “Astig”
Best Musical Score: “Dinig Sana Kita”
Best Sound Recording: “Astig”

Best Short Film: “Bonsai”
Special Jury Award: “Blogog”
Audience Choice (Shorts): “Tatang”
Best Director (Shorts): Dexter B. Cayanes (”Musa”)
Best Screenplay (Shorts): “Behind Closed Doors”

*****

[07.20.2009]
I got to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at ATC. I should be doing something else entirely different that day but for the sake of spontaneity— I went with them.

Spontaneity!
[I'm starting to like that word. ]

I gotta say this though: bitin. Ugh. I don't know if I liked it or not. There were a lot of humorous scenes, by the way. I didn't expect that. One scene that I was really excited to watch was the death of sir Dumbledore. It was kind of a let down. [No, I'm not a rabid fangirl screaming about this. I'm not gonna say too much "in the book this, in the book that". I'd just like to comment about it.]

Book: Harry was immobilized by Dumbledore. He witnessed the headmaster's death and he couldn't do anything about it. I'm not sure but… I think he was invisible that time too coz of the invisibility cloak so no one other than Dumbledore knew he was there.

Movie: Harry was in some room [below where Dumbledore was] when Snape found him. Dumbledore was cornered by the Death Eaters [mga alagad ni Voldy]. Since Snape pointed his wand at Harry, Harry "couldn’t do anything". Then Dumbledore was killed.

I don't know. I just liked how the book goes "helpless Harry stuck in place". The desperation… the grief... Ah well, there was also those emotions in the movie scene… but just not helpless enough. He was mobile. He could dodge Snape's attacks for all we would know. [Since he's such a boy wonder, special and all that. Ugh.] Then he could make a diversion or something and flee with Dumbledore. But, yeah, since he's just a kid, perhaps he couldn't pull it off. [So he's not such a boy wonder anymore?] Why am I contradicting myself?

Going back to my point: There's just something in the moment… about being immobile while witnessing something so… agonizing. Oh the woe.

Oh well. Kanya-kanyang interpretasyon nga naman.

Moving on! Here are some pics I took that night. [It's very posed, funny.] I loved hanging out with Jonah, Tania, and May.

May and Tania
These two were the most excited about watching HP6.

May, Jonah, Tania, and yours truly.
We found a guy nearby and threatened him to take a picture of us. LOL Nah, we asked him~~awkwardly~~ nicely.

This was taken outside the mall.
Target sign: Cinemas

This shot was supposed to be the lights hanging on tree branches.
It looked nothing like it, no?
That is because just when I clicked on the shutter, someone jerked my arm. Thus, it produced this blurred image.
May thinks it’s cool. I think her inner artistic flare was up that night.
It looked more like falling comets than hanging lights.

Guess where we were. XD

May and I: last pic before going home.
I don't know what kind of a funny face I intended to make here. Epic fail.

*****

[08.02.2009]
I browsed around my cookbooks and like always, I had the urge to cook/prepare pasta. Now, really, it happens to me like a hundred times: I browse - I feel the urge - I go to the supermarket - I lose the urge. No, there's nothing within the supermarket that makes me lose that urge to cook, it makes me more excited actually. I see all these pots and pans and other stainless utensils and... I have the urge to like buy 'em all. I drift to cooking wonderland where I am a good chef [not master chef— I could never upstage my family] and I have great time with meat and vegetables. But then after that excitement, well... I dunno. I just lose it.

So! I realized how I'll never get anywhere if that always happens— so! I simply have to force myself. I went to the supermarket on Saturday, got the ingredients that I want, and cooked the pasta on Sunday. I didn’t follow the exact recipe. I omitted some ingredients, I added some... ok, ok, perhaps I completely altered it. I can be fickle sometimes. So yeah, I made my own Italian spaghetti... with broccoli... just coz I crave for broccoli... so tempting. I put plenty of Parmesan cheese too. *totally didn't care na too much of it ay bawal*

So there goes the pic. I know, I know. Presentation = 0pts. I was hungry by the time it was done, so...

Oh wait, I know you had to ask: so how was it? Does it taste good? Does it taste awful? Does it even have a taste?
Well! It tastes… fine, actually. I just think I put a little bit too much ground black pepper though. Lol But it wasn't bad. Hooray!

This is the beginning of my legend!
[not]
This is the beginning of my cooking experience!

I just wish my mom was here. She'll love to criticize me in the kitchen.

*****

There are 2 movies I'd like to watch this month:
The Time Traveler's Wife
- based on the novel (I knew it sounds awfully familiar!)
- sci-fi, romance

The song on the trailer is Broken by Lifehouse (--a favorite).

Post Grad
- just coz I like to watch Alexis Bledel on screen (LOL) and seems interesting.. perhaps something about it will inspire my future post grad self about.. whatever lol..

Another movie I'd like to watch that I don't know yet when it'll be released is: Veronika Decides To Die. It's also based from a novel. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Veronika and Paulo Coelho liked her performance. I must watch this (then I might read the book).

*****

For next year, here is the movie I can’t wait to watch!
Tim Burton's take on Alice In Wonderland!
I love fairytales that are altered. I love fairytales that go modern. I love fairytale remakes. Hee hee hee...
Just as a long as it's not corny, too mushy, or shallow.

I found the teaser on youtube.
I love the costumes.
Can't wait.

This Feeling

2009-08-06T23:51:00.005+08:00

When you hear people greet you "Happy Birthday!"
with their big smiles...
it's as if...
they are reminding you
that they are happy and grateful
you were born in this world,
that you touched their lives,
and became part of yours.

I wish I won't lose this feeling.

I love you guys.
=')

The clock strikes twelve.

Scholastic!

2009-07-12T13:36:00.015+08:00

mood: a bit lethargic [I'm kinda sick.]
listening to: Never Could Have Been Worse - Tsuneo Imahori

"By a man's fingernails, by his coat-sleeve, by his boots, by his trouser-knees, by the calluses of his forefinger and thumb, by his expression, by his shirt-cuffs, by his movements-- by each of these things a man's calling is plainly revealed. That all united should fail to enlighten the competent enquirer in any case is almost inconceivable."
~ Sherlock Holmes, 1887

I have a lot of school work nowadays.

I love it. I love it even though I look like a zombie now, with less to no appetite for almost any type of food, and of course sleep-deprived. No-- I wasn't being sarcastic at that. Humorous, yes. Not sarcastic.

I honestly like it when I'm busy with school work. The only downside is-- the schedules. But I will always find time for myself. [Like right now, for example.]

I'm taking a break from making 2 reports, both from Mrs. Maguad's class:
Filipino Psychology
Psychological Interview

The Fil.Psych report is a bit hard for me coz I have to translate a lot of Filipino texts to English coz our subject in the curriculum states that it must be learned in the English language. Unfortunately for me, the sources [books] are in Filipino.
For those who know me well, I'm having a hard time translating this in a textbook kinda way. You know how it is, right? The paper must be written in that context not in like a way that a teenager would just say whatever he wants.

It must be like this for example:
"Ito'y mga metodong subok na ang kakayahang lumikom ng impormasyon sa kulturang Pilipino at angkop sa pag-uugali at pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay ng mga Pilipino."
= These are reliable methods used in collecting information about the Filipino Culture, in relation to their behavior in their daily lives.

.. or something like that. [I'm still unsatisfied with my translation. Boo.]

..and not like this:
= These methods are reliable and can be used to get information about the Filipino Culture. It's related to their behavior and their everyday lives.

I remember our Department Head, Dr. Barron, told us to "write scholarly." [Or did she mean "scholastically? Ah, whatever.]

So yeah. I've been typing in Filipino for the past hours. I'm not done with it yet. Later, I'll try to finish them and then translate the whole thing. Again, for those who know me pretty well [in class], you know I tend to put a lot of info on my reports, ne? This time, I'll try to make it 4 pages tops. (With the usual all sides 0.50 margin, times new roman size 11, line spacing exactly 13pt, all spacing 0pt.)

So anyway, what other school stuff I have to worry about?

1. 2 quizzes on Dr. Barron's classes this week
2. our title defense on Friday for our Research in Psychology.. I still need to research a lot of stuff for it.. and make an intro.. shouldn't rely on groupmates..
3. visual aids for the two reports [that are on Tuesday and maybe Wednesday]
4. journal on our 3 fields of OJTs
5. my OJT sched
6. still no venue for the Acquaintance Party [which will be on the 27th]
7. pre-lims will start in 21, I think
8. have to transfer notes on my "serious notebook".. I write my notes on my scratch notebook.. I could freely use my "chicken-scratch handwriting there"..
9. look through the member profiles and record each member's birth dates in order to make a birthday section on one of the bulletin boards.. have to think of the designs for them too..

So there.

On a lighter note, ever since I made a facebook account, I became addicted to Pet Society [though I'm always broke there, I refuse to use the cheats], Typing Maniac [oh the adrenaline! lol], and Happy Farm [I like to plant, take care of 'em, and then harvest.. online that is]. I like Happy Farm better than Farm Town coz I understand it more. Sunshine Ranch is almost like a replica of Happy Farm but most of my friends use Happy Farm so... I haven't been on Barn Buddy. I wonder if that's fun too.

Moving on to the last thing I'd like to blog about. I found the book that I thought I'd never get a copy of! It's Tithe by Holly Black. There's always the sequels on the bookstores, but never the first one... Until the day that I found one at Fully Booked! I practically grabbed it, thinking 'no way...'. =D I might make a review after I finish it.

The book that I recently finished reading was Maximum Ride by James Patterson. Hooray for light reading! I loved it. I have to wait a while though before I buy the second book. I have a lot of expenses lately. Ah the anticipation.

May took this shot when we ate at Pizza Hut. I look like a dork.

Oh yeah. One last thing: I'm gonna change my blog's layout soon. I just have to find a layout that suits my mood. I can't decide yet.

What Could Be, What WOULD Be

2009-06-18T23:45:00.003+08:00

listening to: Renai Shashin - Otsuka Ai

[from the movie Tada, Kimi Wo Aishiteru (AKA Heavenly Forest)-- a favorite]

Someday, I would find...

so-so

2009-06-17T22:49:00.001+08:00

Things are looking up for me these past few days.
I get to hang out with the friends I missed at school.
Mom's not that mad at me anymore.
I got my doctor's check-up. (The follow-up's a problem though-- sched.)
I got another Learning-Spanish book. This one looks interesting.
A friend of mine, whom I'm constantly worried about seems safe in her new abode.
I got interested in reading again-- both in paperback and manga.

I need to continue organizing this blog.
I neglected it again.
-_-'

See You Later

2009-06-01T05:13:00.004+08:00

mood:
listening to: none

And so,
like any other dreadful day in my life,
this day finally came.

When I get back home today,
I'll start the life I left behind
45 days ago.

Honestly,
I don't want to go back.
I'd rather have this life with Mom.
But I know it won't happen...
Yet.

Time to immerse myself
in tangeble things again.
I need to be distracted.

I won't care what anyone says anymore
because they don't know
and they won't feel
the loneliness I feel
for the rest of the days
(approximately 320 days)
of the year that I have to live.

Being an only child,
you'd think I would've gotten
used to this.
But I guess...
I won't.

Cherish your parents
and your siblings.
You're lucky to have them.

Please pray for my mother's safe trip[s].

Addicted To Pet Society

2009-05-31T14:46:00.003+08:00

Pet Society is an application (game) on Facebook.
I am officially addicted to it.
LOL Unfortunately I don't have enough coins to sustain my interior-design-drive. I won't resort to the cheat though. It's going to be more challenging this way.

And so to earn coins, I'd go to races, play the jumping rope, visit friends, and roam around town. It's been my daily routine on the net nowadays. The only room that has furniture (that I bought) is the bathroom. I'm particularly proud of it coz I saved really hard to buy the items there.

By the way, I decided to make my Facebook a public account. (I suppose Friendster is my only private account. Plurk is public too and this blog will soon become public.)
Anyway, here's my email add: roke_hana@yahoo.com.ph
Feel free to add me but I must say, I won't accept anyone lecherous.

Couch Potato (with Mom)

2009-05-30T23:51:00.005+08:00

mood: a bit sad
listening to: none

I decided to be a couch potato today, para maiba naman.. been very busy lately.
I introduced a couple of jdramas and movies to Mom. (Unfortunately, there's no way we could finish the jdramas in a day.. not even 1/3.)

Jdramas:
Code Blue
Bloody Monday
Jmovies:
Battle Royale
Shinobi

I watched a couple of episodes of Fushigi Yuugi (the ones I didn't get to watch in the past.)
All dvds were bought from CSCentrl at Greenbelt.

Mom's flight is on Monday. She's already exhibiting signs of sadness. I, of course, immediately caught it. I really don't want to be emotional... But the thoughts kept creeping on me.
I need to divert myself from this.
I'm slowly deviating from being OC (which is good) but I'm starting to have multiple signs of being avoidant. More of that later.

About my citizenship... err more of that later.

I always think about blogging whenever I have something philosophical to think about, or when something exciting or different happens, but when I get in front of Peter (my reformated pc), I just feel lazy about it.
I mostly hang around plurk and facebook nowadays (at night just before I go to bed).

I miss a lot of people. I miss talking with someone.

I'll edit this entry later. (getting sleepy to put the links)
Gotta sleep na.
Que duermes bien mi amigos y mi amigas.

BBL

2009-05-18T05:29:00.002+08:00

listening to: Clumsy by Fergie

I actually miss blogging. I have so much to blog about.
I'll get right on it maybe later if I have time.
2 of my sims are malfunctioning. It's almost impossible.

TPLSLFC

2009-05-08T16:14:00.006+08:00

mood: pissed
listening to: none

Para sa mga taong ginagawang kumplikado ang pag-ibig at relationship:
* Kung meron kang gustong sabihin, sabihin mo na.
* Kung hindi ka pa over sa kanya, wag kang pumasok sa isang relasyon. Hirap ka na nga, papahirapan mo pa ang ibang tao.
* Kung malungkot ka, aminin mo sa iyong sarili. Muka kang tanga na nakangiting pilit.
* Kung may mahal kang ng iba, aminin mo. Kung nasa relationship ka, makipaghiwalay ka na. (Kasi kung talagang mahal mo siya, wala na dapat ibang hahanapin ang puso mo.)
* Kung makikipaghiwalay ka, sabihin mo ang totoong dahilan kung bakit. The person deserves the truth.
* Kung may nagawa kang masama, gumawa ka ng paraan upang makabawi.
* Kung ikaw ay mali, aminin mo. Kung ma-pride ka at ayaw mo mag-sorry, ipakita mong tinatama mo ang iyong pagkakamali.
* Kung may pinag-sisisihan ka, kumilos ka. Ano, tutunganga ka na lang? Sa tingin mo may magandang dadating kung wala ka namang ginagawa? Ano ka sinuswerte palagi?
* Kung talagang mahal mo siya, magpasensya ka. Kung wala kang pasensya, saan tutungo relationship niyo? Makipaghiwalay ka na lang.
- Saka, pwede mo naman siya sabihan di ba? "Ayoko itong ginagawa mo." Pwede siya magbago para sa iyo (kung gusto niya, kung worth ka para sa kanya kung reasonable ang pinapagawa mo). Lahat naman pwedeng pag-usapan. Basta siguraduhin mo hindi iyon dahil sa selfish feelings/thoughts mo.
* Kung parati ka na lang makikinig sa ibang tao, para saan pa ang sarili mong utak? Saka sila ba ang nasa relationship? Hindi naman di ba?

Most people nowadays are freakin' liars! Users! Sh*tload full of crap!

I'd rather hear the dreadful truth and get hurt, than people telling me lies, making me think of things that are far from what it actually is. Damn it!

Because if people tell you lies, it would seem that you do not deserve to know the truth. That, my friend, is more painful, isn't it?

Time doesn't change people. People change people.

Sleep-deprived+Exhausted+Irritated, si Daniel Radcliffe nakausap ni Mond!

2009-04-17T21:27:00.015+08:00

mood:
listening to: none

6hrs of sleep in three days.
10hrs of sleep on the fourth day.
My body succumbed to exhaustion.
Neither caffeine nor sugar could save me from my sleepiness.
Irritation and anxiety is still evident.

Pero at least I'm almost always an hour early sa OJT.
I feel like I'm not myself.

*****

People usually misunderstood my irritations. They think that I'm mad at them.
Wanna know what's usually the reason?
The truth is... most of the time, I'm irritated at myself.
You see it's not all about you/them.
It's just... me.

Ugh. This is why I hate being sleep-deprived. Kung ano-ano ang naiisip ko.

*****

Mom's been here for 3 days now. Hindi pa kami nakakapagbonding. Kung hindi sya busy, ako naman ang wala. Nakakainis!

They made plans on going to Grandma's tomorrow. Mom just told me tonight. And I thought I'd finally have a weekend "day off" (coz on Sunday I'll have to go to the mall to buy a Theories of Personality book).

*****

I'll probably post something here about our OJT at Cavite Center For Mental Health later. I'm just not in the mood to write anything about it.

*****

I have to cheer myself up somehow... in any way possible.
I need some peace and quiet.
I locked myself up in my room this afternoon.
I sought refuge from plurk and my plurk pals.
I wonder if I would put my blog URL on my profile there.

*****

Here's a photo of the drawing I mentioned earlier on here on my blog:

I might have it photocopied and colored.

*****

Btw, si Mond nagtatrabaho na ngayon sa hotel. Nakita nya si Daniel Radcliffe at kinausap sya! Humingi daw ng ketchup. Walang fans kasi puro businessmen naandun. Mond, bakit hindi ka ngpa-autograph?! Miski pic sa mobile phone mo. One word: SAYANG.

3 Recent Drawings

2009-04-11T19:31:00.003+08:00

mood: so-so
listening to: Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional

These are some of my recent drawings.
Some I like, some I not much.
But they're all precious to me.

Holy Week, Fables, I Drew Again(?!), Manga-- the Eco-Hope(?!), Funny English

2009-04-10T18:15:00.014+08:00

mood: dislikes the hot weather
listening to: There She Goes - The La's

How's your Holy Week so far?

I remember when I was little, I'm an unsanera and I'm also part of the church choir (for a short while) of St. Mary Magdalene School in Kawit (my hometown). Weeks before Holy Week, we would collect all kinds of colorful paper then my mom and I would cut them into little square pieces. I would have a cute basket and a nice dress for the said occassion. My mom's gay friend Tito Jimboy would do my hair and make-up. Kapag may Salubong, my mom would wake me up so early in the morning so that we'll watch the event near the church.

Yup, those were the days. Now... I couldn't even remember which day the Unsana and the Salubong would fall into. I guess you could say, I relied on my mom on these kinds of things. I wasn't very into it so... But it's kinda fun... Colorful for the most part. We're not really the religious type but my mom wants me to participate on these kinds of town activities. My family owns a "karo " and they take part in the prosisyon. I used to help with the flowers (usually sampaguita).

I guess now with my age and the fact that I don't go to SMMS anymore and I don't live in Kawit anymore either, I'm free from that mandatory obligation. I don't want to volunteer anyway coz I always find it awkward to be with my relatives (them, specifically). However, I didn't expect that right this moment, I actually miss being an unsanera. Oh the confettis... *hums*

Perhaps it's from being generally lethargic this week. Perhaps it's because of the weather (freakin' hot recently, my room's an oven!). Or perhaps it's because I miss Mom.

She'll be coming home this month... next week na actually. I'm getting excited. I desperately wanna hang-out with her. But that is also why I'm a bit disappointed with my OJT schedule. Ah whatever, it's not like I could change that now.

*****

So what's up with me this week? Well, (at home) got a lot of free time to be lazy and mope-y. Gladys and I watch movies while doing our own stuff. Multi-tasking ftw! She recently made a "sandal" (I don't know exactly the name of the footwear) from her slippers. It looked pretty cool, I'm proud of her! I'll put a pic of it here later.

Just yesterday, we had a Yu Yu Hakusho marathon (season 1), the english dub one (coz I miss Justin Cook and Chris Sabat's voices). I pretty much memorized most of their lines anyhow so I seldom watch-watch, I just listen to them while drawing. Yup, you read it right. After 2 years, my "dormant" hand drew again. I drew 3 girls. The last one, I didn't get to finish. The first one didn't look so good coz I was experimenting on poses and it was rather hard for me to stay away from the basic profile look I usually draw. The second one was my favorite of the three. I think it turned out nice. I'll post pictures of it here later. I don't have a scanner, so... don't expect the image to be good.

Moving on to reading-- I recently got into Fables, a comic book series/graphic novel by Bill Willingham, thanks to Pong. The plot's pretty interesting to those who likes to "see" (read about) fairytale characters on a different perspectives. The "what-ifs" are established and fantasy and reality got "close". Mind you though (and Pong warned me hehe), this series is not for children. There are some mature content within like violence, infidelity, revenge, and other themes.

The artworks in Fables (by Mark Buckingham, Lan Medina, Steve Leialoha, and Craig Hamilton) were great. Only a few friends of mine know that when I was little, I made about 5 comic strips. I couldn't draw that "well" back then and it's hard to umm draw the background (like furnitures and other stuff) so I lost interest afterwards. I still wanted to draw though. Heck, I used to even draw on tissue papers. Just gimme a pen or a pencil and I would draw on anything... anything within the range of what is moral and legal, I mean. So anyway, initially, I thought of trying to draw Snow (my version) yesterday. I didn't get to though, but someday I will. I might even draw other princesses.

Btw, has anyone read the latest chapter of Naruto (manga)? I'm getting excited of the outcome of Naruto and Nagato's talk. Perhaps Naruto's altruism, kindness, and "charm" will save everyone. But that will just be too easy, so... Hmmm. Anyway, where the heck is Sasuke now? I didn't notice his absence for like 6 chapters already.

Yondaime Hokage: I... am your father!

*****

Speaking of manga, here's an interesting link I saw today after I checked my yahoo email. Here's what I read:

TOKYO (AFP) - - Japan's manga and anime heroes could come to the rescue of the recession-hit economy, Prime Minister Taro Aso, an avid fan of the country's cartoons, said in a speech Thursday.

"The word 'manga' has entered the global lexicon... Japan has materials that attract consumers around the world such as animation, games, fashion -- so-called 'Japan Cool'," the conservative premier told a press conference.

As the world's number two economy is struggling with its deepest post-war recession, Aso said the government could facilitate overseas exports of manga, video games, fashion and other "soft power" cultural products.

"Many Japan-based fashion magazines enjoy top-level popularity" in the Chinese market, said the 68-year-old premier.

"By linking the popularity of Japan's 'soft power' with business, we wish to grow it into a major industry worth 20-30 trillion yen (200-300 billion dollars) and create 500,000 new jobs by 2020," he said in a speech.

Known for his sometimes gruff manner, Aso has sought to soften his image in recent years by casting himself as a Japanese "otaku" -- someone whose hobby borders on obsession -- by praising manga.

This is the article. It's certainly a "who-woulda-thought" moment for me. The consumers of such merchandize will have a sense of fulfillment when they read this... kinda makes their actions err... justified.

"... create 500,000 new jobs by 2020"
- the part I liked the most

*****

Here's something else I'd like to share: I got the link from a fellow plurker. It's a bit amusing:

there is no egg in eggplant
no ham in hamburger
and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple

English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France
we sometimes take English for granted
but if we examine its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand takes you down slowly
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor it is a pig

if writers write, fingers don't fing
if the plural of tooth is teeth
shouldn't be the plural of phone booth be phone
beeth?

if the teacher taught
why didn't the preacher praught?
if a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what the heck does a humanitarian eat? (This part cracks me up.)

why don't people recite at play
yet play at recital?
park on driveways and drive on parkways
how can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
and as cold as hell on another?

you have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language where a house burn up as it burns down
and which you fill in a form by filling it out
and a bell is only heard once it goes?

English was invented by people, not computers
and it reflects the creativity of the human race

that is why, when the stars are out, they are visible
but when the lights are out, they are invisible
and why is it that when i wind up my watch
it starts
but when i wind up this poem
it ends?

Here's the link to the site.

*****

The current songs on my playlist:
(Hmm maybe I should make this list every week..?)

Ashlee Simpson - Invisible
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

Bethany Joy Lenz - Don't Walk Away
If I made a promise
I would stay by your side
Its only the beginning
I love you

Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep
This air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull
These hearts they race from self-control

Jimmy Eat World - Kill
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Jojo - Not That Kinda Girl
I'm not your every day, around the way
Don't go car-hoppin', chillin' on the block
On a cell phone frontin'
Never that, coz I'm not that kinda girl

Katherine Mcphee - Over It
That's why (your words)
I'm over it (so sure)
I'm over it (I'm not your girl)
I'm over it

Natalie - Love You So
You can say anything you want to
No stress 'cause I understand you
We got a vibe you can't define

Ok Go - Invincible
Invincible
You're invincible
That crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing
It's invincible

The Corrs - Breathless
So go on, go on
Come on leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me
'Till I can't deny this
Loving feeling
Let me long for your kiss
Go on, go on
Yeah come on

Train - Calling All Angels
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

Valeria Andrews and Ryan Toby - Pay Attention
If you wanna be somebody
If you wanna go somewhere
You better wake up and pay attention
When the time is now or never
To make your dreams come true
You gotta wake up and pay attention

AFD and UD

2009-04-01T12:37:00.011+08:00

mood: amused
listening to: none

I was plurking today and it was then I realized that it's April Fool's Day~! AFD is really an insignificant day for me (maybe because even though I'd love to do something mischievous, it might spell trouble so I'd rather not) except for maybe once in my life. But anyway, I came across this plurk comment from a friend. It went something like: "It's April Fool's Day! Teka, sino nga ba si April?" It just cracked me up.

Also, as I was plurking, I came across another friend who searched for her nickname on the Urban Dictionary-- something most bored teenagers would do nowadays. I have tried that too in the past. Here's 3 of the results:

"She is a crazy girl."
What.an.intro

The #5 was "refreshing" (but the tags are horrible) since #1-4 where all about the slang term for Bulimia, much like #6, which is quite unbecoming really. The #7 was something I thought fictional (because my friends and I would joke about how I'd have my own airport) until today: here.

Ang daming mga kalokohan na lumalaganap sa "inernet".

So... have you tried searching for your nickname on Urban Dictionary?

Remained Silent

2009-03-31T11:55:00.020+08:00

listening to: Don't Walk Away - Bethany Joy Lenz

The past Sunday I came to church surprisingly early. My head's up in the clouds though so I couldn't say I'm very proud of myself. But anyway, I actually got a seat. I don't know the measurement of the church bench but I could estimate that maybe eight people could fit there. When I came, we were only five. There's a girl and a boy to my left and a woman and a man to my right. There were respectable distances between us so I assumed the pairs don't know each other.

About five minutes after the mass began, a young couple sat beside me. My respectable distance was immediately gone (but it's cool). What annoyed me was the woman who was sitting to my right-- she hardly moved an inch. I wanted to clear my throat so bad but I didn't. I just squirmed on my seat with the old Oreo commercial jingle going on and on in my head. (Squeezed in the middle... Smack dabbed in the middle...) It's a good thing she moved a bit more after five minutes or so. The man beside her was glued to the edge of the bench and she still has that respectable distance so... *sigh* People these days.

I sat uncomfortably. It was distracting me. During the offering, as I was trying to get my money, I heard the man talked to the woman beside me. What the heck-- they actually know each other! I caught a glimpse of similar gold bands on their fingers. Wonder of wonders.

I gave a quick glance to my left. The young couple had a calm, warm vibe even though they're sitting unconveniently.

It was like I was sitting between a time lapse.

I was in the middle of an image of young, passionate love and... well, I couldn't think of a good description for the man and woman at the moment. A word comes to mind though: weariness. There was this cold atmosphere but it did not seem like they were mad at each other. They were really... distant.

I have watched movies and read books of love surviving within the passage of time but it really takes a moment like this when you're actually there and you would see such a sad sight of reality that it makes you wonder... Will that happen to me too?

I took a last glance to my left and saw what I hope for.
I took a last glance to my right and saw what I really, really do not want to happen to me in the future.

*****

I bought a mouse and a headphone yesterday. The discomfort of using my old mouse with the thought of it's foreboding dysfunctionality won't bother me again (for a while that is, until this one gets old). Also now, I could listen to the songs on my player without constantly pulling with the cord.

Anyway, do I look like a pushover?

I was in line and it was a very long line. I wasn't in a peachy mood. There's this lady who made her way beside me and asked if the line was there. I politely said yes. I thought she was going to my back (coz I was obviously in the line) but she stayed there in front of me.

What.. is up with that?

I counted up to ten seconds hoping she realize where she stands. About ten minutes passed and she's still there. Within that ten minutes, I contemplated whether or not I'd talk to her.

Her seemingly helpless expression made me think otherwise. She had that doe eyes.

And so... I remained silent.

*****

I watched some art films recently and liked it. Shout-out to Pong for the dvd! Thanks so much! The Wrestler na lang ang hindi ko pa napapanood. I'll post my review of the movies later.

Franchez, you have to watch Let the Right One In. La pelikula es muy bien. Btw, I just found out that you deleted your blog. Why?

Maan, may American version ang Pan's Labyrinth? I never knew that!

Chamie, ipapalabas ang One Litre of Tears sa GMA? Pls, pls sana maayos ang dubbing. I love it too much, I'm actually scared of pinoy audience reviews.

*****

In regards with our OJT, we ran out of options. We will have it at Trece. For the industrial setting, Jonah and I will have it at a some kind of radio broadcasting company near Star City. I'm getting excited about it. For the educational setting, here's hoping I'd get into the school's HR or Guidance this coming semester after Len and Man.

My Earphones Died

2009-03-27T00:39:00.019+08:00

I'm starting to feel the meaning of vacation: not getting up early in the morning, being a couch potato, the urge to travel to new places, and of course this: "frequent" blogging.

I'm going to edit my layout today. Gotta take off some of the "underconstruction" signs. Before that, I've decided to post the songs on my current playlist, the ones I've been listening to a lot lately.

Oh yeah... My earphones died. It's old. I'm planning to buy headphones.

40 Foot Echo - Drift
Far away
It's not like I wanted you
But you're not for me
Not for me anymore

Alanis Morrisette - Everything
You see everything
You see every part
You see all my light
And you love my dark
You dig everything
Of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

Alanis Morissette - Excuses
These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me small
They've kept me locked inside my cell

Ashlee Simpson - Endless Summer
We laughed, we cried
And all the while we felt so alive
It was you and me
You grabbed my hand and you made me see
What it could feel like
And what it might be like
You wrote my name in the sand

Beethoven - Violin Romance

Beethoven - Pathetique

The Bird And The Bee - How Deep Is Your Love
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think that I care for you
When you know down inside that I really do

The Calling - Stigmatized
I believe in you
Even if no one understands
I believe in you
And I don't really give a damn
If we're stigmatized

Cassie - Is It You
Is it you? Is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Creed - My Sacrifice
When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My Sacrifice

Colbie Caillat - The Little Things
The little things, you do to me are
Taking me over, I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me
Like a nervous heart that
Is crazy beating

Cute Is What We Aim For - Risque
I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do
When he can't get through?

Dido - Thank You
I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Wanna Be
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Incubus - I Miss You
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line
If I said "I miss you"

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm yours

Jonas Brothers - Hello Beautiful
Hello beautiful
It's been a long time
Since my phone's rung
And you been on that line
I've been missing you
It's true

Mi - Aishiteru
Waraitai waraitai kokoro no mannaka de
Anata ni wa uchiakeyou
Tsuyogaru watashi yowaki na watashi
Kinou no hanashi dou demo ii koto mo zenbu
Ai shiteru kore kara mo zutto
Mune wo kunde aruite yukou

Michelle Branch - You Get Me
You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
Yeah, you get me

Nickelback - Photographs
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Nikki Hassman - Adore You
In a thousand ways
In a thousand hidden places
You have touched my heart
And the feeling never changes

Plain White T's - 1 2 3 4
You make it easy,
It's easy as 1, 2 .. 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you
I love you
There's only 1 way 2 say those 3 words and that's what I'll do
I love you

Something Corporate - Walking By
So why do you leave these stories unfinished,
my Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in her eyes?
Why do you look when you've already found it?
What did you find that could leave you walking by?

Stereophonics - It Means Nothing
Did we lose ourselves again?
Did we take in what's been said?
Did we take the time to be,
all the things we said we'd be

The Drama With Me Lately

2009-03-24T22:25:00.013+08:00

mood: quite melancholic
listening to: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

[WARNING: This entry is a bit dramatic. There's a bit of ranting too. You have been warned.]

Sometimes, life is so great, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling.
Sometimes, everything just sucks that you couldn't stop yourself from crying... even if you try your hardest not to.

Some times, I am proud of myself because I am a serious person. But there really are those times when I hate being like this.

I believe in holding onto something or someone if it's what makes you happy. Hold onto it with all your heart. Give your everything.
Unfortunately for me, that something or someone doesn't last... even if I hold my hardest.

I've experienced a lot of those moments in my life. All things are temporary. People always leave. Yadda yada. What hurts me most about right now is... the realization that even through all of this, I always chose to stay. A family member leaves me, I stay. A friend leaves and I stay. Heck, even my computer "leaves" and I stay.

Why don't I leave first?
Maybe because I can't.

"Mia, why do you chose to stay?"
"Because they're here."
"If they have their chance, they'll leave you know."
"I know."
"Why are you being stubborn? If they leave, you'll understand. If you leave, they'll understand it too."
"I'm not like them. I am not like everyone... even from the beginning."
"..."
"It doesn't feel right [for me] if I leave first..."

"What will you do when they leave then?"
"I don't know."
"Will you still stay?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
"So that if ever they need me, they'll know where to find me."

I feel so stupid right now.
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much because even though I'm very much conscious with my stupidity I...

*****

I am always an option.
I am always second best... or third.
And even if I were the first option or even if I am the best, I am still the one being left behind. (You know what I mean, people will always have their reasons.)
Bakit ganoon?
Ayoko sana maging affected pero...

*****

People can always count on me but I couldn't count on them (multiple reasons). I always keep my promises and if I know there's a possibility that I can't, I'd say "I'll try." If I wasn't able to do it, I'll apologize pervently.

If anything will happen to me, it's sad to think that I won't have a straight thought of whom to call... because everyone's far away or everyone's busy or everyone's unreachable or I wouldn't want to bother them. (It's usually the last one. I'm afraid that they'll get tired of me or that they'll get turned off by me... for whatever reason.)

When I feel that I can get close, I will and then I'll get scared but I still I'll stay and I won't go away... so what happens next is... time will come when that person (whatever my relation is to him/her) will "drift" away and there's nothing I could do about it.

This is why I don't believe in "you make your own destiny" crap. I strongly object that saying. If I'm given the time and knowledge to make a very long-winded argument about it, heck I'll make a thesis and might even publish it!

[sarcasm mode]
Oh so you chose to be depressed from being raped by someone you know?
So since it's your destiny and you apparently made it, you did a magic spell to make your father leave you at a very young age for whatever sick reason he had that led to your current psychological father-issues.
You chose a destiny of failure on your math exam so that you would take a remedial class in summer vacation when your friends are all happy and basking in the sun?

What, masochistic moron?
[sarcasm mode end]

*sigh* Talk about weather change: I went from feeling very sad and worthless to feeling bitter and annoyed.

*****

And now I wonder...
I wonder...
Why can't there be someone like me... for me?

Ok, I'm not pertaining for someone who's exactly like me (that would be impossible), maybe I'm just looking for… someone who'll value me enough to make me feel that… I'm really, really important (outside of the family circle).

*****

Ano... guys, don't worry, this is not about him. I'm over him na for months. (Thank goodness for that.) This entry is more of a general thing, a general anxiety. I've thought of this multiple times in the past but this is the first time that I actually wrote... or rather blogged about it.

*****

I say I don't want to trust right away but subconsciously, I will.
I say I don't want to expect anything but subconsciously, I do.
I say I don't want to get close but in truth, I want to because at that time I feel happy.
I say I don't want this anymore but... I'd rather have it than nothing at all.

And then there's this sadness again. *sigh* I hate it.

In the end of my complaints, I should just say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

Goodbye sa mga umalis at bye-bye na rin sa mga may balak umalis.
I'm just here.

Hopefully, in a few days I'll be back to my cheerful self. Hopefully.

*****

Sis, if you're reading this, (you're most probably not because you don't have the time nor interest to read my blog anyhow-- like 95% of the time) don't deny the fact that when I call you, you always have something to do. You won't have the chance to ask me why I called in the first place. If I text you (because I'm not home), we won't get to talk either because you don't have load and if you'd call that time, I'm not home. By the time one of us get to contact each other (when you need something or when I'm not hurting that much anymore), my problem won't matter much anymore because I had my catharsis already by crying myself to sleep in an untimely hour.

Yes, times like this makes me mad at you... but you're still my best friend. So my temporary anger won't matter after it passes.

*sigh* I just need to let this out. I feel like it's eating me inside again.

*****

To all of you who would scoff while reading my thoughts above and give comments about how "emo" I am at the moment, don't be a hypocrite.

In the words of Hiei, "There is no one who does not carry scars on his heart. If there were someone in the world like that, he would be a shallow soul."

*****

Do you ever think about what a lonely and/or depressed person could do when (s)he is alone?

I mean, I could drown myself and lock the door and no one will even know of it... till after 10 hours at least.

Ok bad joke, sorry.

*****

A few minutes after I came home, alone again, I noticed my right eye itches.
I saw that it's quite red.
A virus perhaps?

I hope it's gone by the time I wake up in the morning. I have to be at the Psych Lab. I wouldn't want to contaminate people there and I refuse to wear sunglasses there.

*****

Mom called. She said that she went to a doctor. She's fine, thank God. I cried while listening to her... but I have a pretty good fake voice so she didn't even notice.

I let my mom know how much I love her, usually through my letters. I tell her on the phone before we would hang up (all the time, except at times when she's so mad she'd hang up on me without the pleasant goodbye-s) but I can't seem to tell her face to face on a very serious moment. I'm not good with drama... even though it's odd that my eyes usually look pretty after I cry.

*****

There seems to be a problem with plurk. I couldn't log in nor view pages. The site always seem to load only half way. I wonder why.

*****

I finally put up a new skin as you can see. It's still under construction, I have to transfer stuff and edit things.

****

Got to go back downstairs and force myself to eat. I look horrible for a few days na.

Reaction to the Inconvenient Truth

2009-03-18T20:39:00.009+08:00

mood: determined
listening to: Risque - Cute Is What We Aim For

I was cleaning my rather messy room when I got hold of my paper from my Environmental Science class a long time ago. It always amused me to see that I got 55/50. (I still don't understand why, really. There was no "extra credit" section. MYSTERY) My favorite part of the paper was this:

What was your personal reaction to the documentary?

Even before I watched the documentary, I’m already aware how dangerous the effects of global warming are. I consider myself an environmentalist in little ways; I tell people I know that making bonfires (siga) is bad for the ozone layer, I do not use sprays with CFCs and encourage my family not to also, I do not litter and encourage others not to (but they don’t listen though), among other things. Some would say that I am just an obsessive compulsive. Setting that comment aside, my purpose is really for the benefit of our environment (because it’s common sense that I’ll be affected by it). Since I was little, I am already concerned of pollution (especially air pollution since I have hereditary allergies) and wastes. I am also a health-conscious type of person since my body is weak and my immune system is functioning lower than others (or so they say). Due to these reasons, I really give importance to our environment.

When I heard that we’re going to watch a documentary about the environment, I got excited. I hope that my classmates and other students will see the real world and change their ways. Unfortunately though, it seems that the seriousness of the topic stayed only in the IMC, since I see them back to their unproductive ways afterwards. (I’m not trying to make them look bad, I’m just telling facts and they are like symbolic figures in relevance to our society.) I guess their argument will be that they’ll contribute only a small portion of the effect in our environment. If that’s the case and other people have that same idea, then gather them around and there’s a great number of people doing those things—which in sum, will not be a “small contribution” after all. If their argument will be that others will clean it up later, then they’ll seem like children who need looking after, which defies their sense of responsibility and initiative. If they’ll reason that the world won’t be destroyed right away, then they arrogantly reject the idea that of course the event won’t have an immediate impact because it’s slowly progressing to it (like the luke warm water turning hot). Before they know it, it’s already a dilemma. It’s really a pity—they epitomize the general population of our country. No wonder they say Filipinos are wasteful procrastinators. The streets littered with garbage, factories and cars still smoke, people who do not care if they contribute to the rate of dying of our planet—it is really a sad sight, not to mention it gives a bad reputation to our once beautifully clean country.

Watching this documentary made me realize the more fatal effects of global warming like to the polar bears and birds. I’m glad I got to know of those things because now I could somehow impart those facts to other people and persuade them to stop their destructive deeds. In the end, man really is the reason why our world is in extreme danger. How ironic that despite the need to survive, we kill ourselves. Despite the growing improvements in various aspects of our lives, it will actually be the cause of our downfall.

I hope more people (students in particular—because some of them might be environmentalists or politicians someday) will get to watch this. Even if they go back to their unproductive ways, at least knowledge of our world’s dilemma is already imparted to them. (Though they will not act upon it, there will still be at least a little chance or hope that before they litter, they’ll remember the documentary and have second thoughts about doing it.)

It will be up to us to save our planet. After all, we won’t be happy handling great crises later on.

I know there was no structure, but it wasn't an essay so it didn't matter that much.

Here are the questions before that one. (That was the last question.) Read if you're still interested. People must watch An Inconvenient Truth so that they'll be aware of the effects of global warming and how we contribute to it.

Who is Mr. Al Gore?
Al Gore is the 45th Vice President of the United States. He served the country from 1993 to 2001. He previously served in the U.S. House of Representatives (1977-85) and the U.S Senate (1985-93) representing Tennessee. In 2007, he shared the Nobel Peace Prize with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change “for their efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measure that are needed to counteract such change.”

Gore was a democratic nominee for president in the 2000 election. He lost to the Republican candidate George W. Bush in spite of winning the popular vote. legal controversy over the Florida election recount, eventually settled in favor of Bush by the Supreme Court, made the election among the most controversial in American history.

More recently, Gore has been an environmental activist, lecturing on the topic of global warming, which he labels "the climate crisis”. In 2006, he starred in the Academy Award-winning documentary film, An Inconvenient Truth, regarding the environment.

According to Mr. Gore, what are the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment?
According to Gore, the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment are the (drastically increasing) population (since people are the cause of pollution and global warming), science and technology (factories’ smoke, oil spills, chemicals, et cetera), and man’s way of thinking or attitude (procrastination, arrogance, ignorance, skepticism).

According to Mr. Gore, what are the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment?
According to Gore, the three factors causing the collision between man and the environment are the (drastically increasing) population (since people are the cause of pollution and global warming), science and technology (factories’ smoke, oil spills, chemicals, et cetera), and man’s way of thinking or attitude (procrastination, arrogance, ignorance, skepticism).

Explain the analogy between the frog and man’s attitude towards changes in the environment like global warming.
Mr. Gore gave an example of a frog that leaped in a container with hot water. Sensing the temperature, it leaped out immediately. Another example after that features the frog leap in a container with luke warm water. This time, because it’s luke warm, the frog can handle it’s temperature, thus, it stayed there. Then the luke warm water began to grow hot. The frog still stayed in the container since it can still handle the temperature. If this prolongs, the frog will be in deep trouble when it can’t handle the heat anymore.

The water represents the situation or the dilemma we’re in. If man is suddenly faced with a big crisis, then man immediately fights back or attempts to save himself. The result will be that the crisis will be acted upon and therefore saves man. But if man is put in a situation when the problem is not that big a deal [yet] (pertains to the luke warm water), man tends to procrastinate and the problem will just keep getting bigger (pertains to the luke warm water turning hotter). What he meant to say, in regards to environmental problems such as global warming, is that man right now is procrastinating in terms of making changes in the environment. If we don’t act right away, we’ll be in big trouble later.

What was Mr. Gore’s point when he presented “Reposition of Global Warming” as a theory rather than a fact?
He presented it as a theory rather than a fact because it is not yet certain whether or not the people will act on the reposition despite the fatal situation of our world. The Reposition of Global Warming will only be a fact when people react to it and actually do the reposition, eventually saving ourselves and our planet.

Mr. Gore gave a quote here as an example, “Even doctors smoke Camel.” The quote meant to point out how ironic it is that doctors smoke cigarettes when it is a fact that cigarettes endanger our health. It gives out the impression that cigarettes might not be so bad after all since doctors smoke. So in regards to people and the environment, if the men in politics (or any person with a position) and the government do not stress the enforcement about global warming, there is no guarantee that the people will act upon it when they’re informed, seeing as even the authorities do not give it a big deal, which in actuality really is a big deal.

Mr. Gore’s documentary has the US as its setting. Does it apply to Philippine setting?
Yes it does, seeing as Filipinos are procrastinators and practice ningas cogon. Our country already has many environmental hazards like smoke-belching vehicles and air-polluting/water-polluting factories. Mr. Gore’s documentary was for the whole world to know that is why he travels to many countries now and then to impart this scientific knowledge for people to act upon it. Every nation contributes; it is just that the US has the most contributions, seeing as it is one of the top countries with high technologies and other economic advancement.

What was Mr. Gore’s main objective in his program for spreading global warming? Was it technical in nature?
It is technical in nature and more than that. His objective is to open man’s mind of how our world is doing right now. It is to urge man to act upon it before it is too late. It is to lay down facts and theories to encourage man’s thoughts. Many environmentalists, theorists, and philosophers already warned man of their activities—that someday negative things will happen to our planet. What Gore is trying to do is the same. He wants to make an impact to make people listen more than ever before because the effects of global warming are fatal to us, and it’s already acting upon animals and nature in general.

What evidences did Mr. Gore present to show that Global Warming exists? Name at least three.
The melting of glaciers, change in weather, and disturbances of Ecological Niche are some of the evidences that we have global warming. Compared in the past, the glacier’s rate of melting rapidly increased in recent years. In regards to weather changes, we have more and stronger typhoons and floods, and other natural disasters—which proved to be so destructive. The disturbances of the ecological niche proved to be fatal as well; some species of animals are endangered or on the verge of extinction.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know, but, what we know for sure that ain’t so.” What does this quotation mean in relation to the documentary?
I think this goes to the Skeptics mentioned for they tend to be too open for skepticisms to actually believe in the already laid-down facts or limit their urge to know the truth (because it tends to be inconvenient for this matter). In relation to the documentary, Mr. Gore wants to point out that we should be over the believe-it-or-not situation, rather to act upon it since there are already these informations at hand. Unfortunately though, if people are not informed enough or have limited information—what they already know that they think they’re sure of is really not the matter. The statement proves to be very influential and controversial.

BTW, I shall change my layout very sooooon. I finally narrowed down the 3 layouts that I like the most. =)

Stupid Kidney Stone Frustration

2009-03-12T20:09:00.005+08:00

*sigh* I'm sick and tired of watching what I eat. Kung kelan may gana na akong kumain, ngayon pa ako bibigyan ng dietary list. Oh the irony.

Tita Risma and Grandma are staying here for a few days. I'm gonna stuff myself with crabs, lobsters, cheese, and whatever's in the refrigerator. I mean, I already have a stone. My future problem will be if it will get stuck through my urinary track again like last time. It's almost inevitable, so why have a diet now?

[Err maybe because if it grows too large, it will deliberately obstruct your kidney and you'll have a bigger operation to deal with! Geez!]

Am I a masochist?
Am I suicidal?

I don't know yet but I do know that I'm FRUSTRATED.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

2009-03-08T03:09:00.005+08:00

listening to: Promises - Adema

I was editing some pics (basically: resizing and editing the lighting) and it occurred to me that I completely neglected this blog. I thought maybe I should just cancel my account. *sigh* Or maybe perhaps I really need to change my layout. I need a sort of drive to write again.

(I actually found some very nice templates. I can't decide yet which to use.)

Been really busy with school lately. -_-'

I updated my old blog. I changed the layout and deleted some entries. It would be my memorabilia of my teen angst. I wonder if I should write my current angst here. (LOL)

Ah... I'm just typing what I'm thinking right now. There's really no construction in this entry. Totally random. *sigh* I want a long vacation.

Ok, I really need to change this blog layout.

Give me the drive to write! x_x

To Dream of Death is STUPID

2009-02-08T15:49:00.004+08:00

mood: ambivalent
listening to: none

"When you don't want to feel, death seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds... All I know is that there's I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew that there was only one way back to the world, and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week, and let her hear every thought in my head.
~ Susanna Kaysen; Girl, Interrupted

Girl, Interrupted has become one of my favorite [serious] movies.

And I gotta say, Winona Ryder is beautiful. I love her eyes.

Liar, Liar

2009-02-07T00:42:00.013+08:00

mood: pessimistic
listening to: none

I just finished watching Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo. (I think that's the title.) I just have to blog this so I could remind my future self this one thought that I realized. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I'm gonna make it rhyme just for the heck of it.

Everyone lies
Especially guys
What sets us apart
Is how one masters the art
Of lying and deceiving
While planning and hiding
Did not even consider
The conscience as reminder
And even after, the thought
Of the pain it brought
So if time will come
You plan to cheat on your hon
Better have a good plan
Coz if she catches you
The whole world will "Boo"

I know it sounded great at first, then the choice of words became less mature than how I intended it will be. I wanna write a better poem.

Plurk

2009-01-25T00:28:00.007+08:00

Plurk is addicting.
Unfortunately for me, I only know of 2 friends who have them.

But I finally made an account anyway.
my plurk

You guys can add me there.
I'll put up stuff I normally wouldn't want to blog about because of the length (such as those that only need 2 sentences).

=)

Christmas, YGOTAS Xmas SP, RIP MB, and TS

2008-12-25T23:36:00.026+08:00

mood: a bit disappointed
listening to: How Deep Is Your Love - The Bird And The Bee

SINCE IT'S CHRISTMAS...So the plan was that I'm supposed to be at Lola's this Christmas with my cousins (the ones that live here in the Philippines) and their family. I'm supposed to watch Tines (parade with people in costumes depicting the events that led to the birth of Jesus) with Len and Norman. Well, it all didn't happen. Dumating ang Tito ko. Biglaan dahil namatay ang mother-in-law nya recently, so I really couldn't be at Lola's. Then neither Len nor Norman contacted me about watching Tines. *sigh* I was a bit lethargic anyway from the time I woke up.

So what did I do for the whole day, exactly?
I woke up.
I watched 3 episodes of Code Blue.
I took some self-portraits under very inconvenient lighting (what else is new?) at a very inconvenient time.
I also took some pics of Tine2 and I. I'll post it here later. n_n
I edited said pictures. All of them are too damn dark.
I watched 3 episodes of Pokemon: Diamond and Pearl series.

(The new charger for the Reggie's Nintendo DS is busted again so I couldn't play it.)
Surprisingly, I didn't get to eat as much as I expected. It wasn't nearly as much as what I eat everyday (which is actually food trip talaga). Wonder of wonders...

IDK... I just feel out-of-it. Who would have thought that this Christmas was going to be so boring... (No offense to the Divine, really, it's not You sir, it's me.) Hmm... Perhaps New Year would be somewhat fruitful.

Err. Hopefully.

:+:+:+:

THE ONLY GIFTA friend of mine asked me if I got a lot of gifts. I would always tell people that the older you get, the lesser gifts you'll receive. Well, in my case, it didn't matter. Hindi ako ang tipong namamasko o nangangaroling. My relatives used to give me gifts like clothes (i.e.) socks. It represents just how much they know me. -_-' But I was grateful back then nonetheless... at least they thought about me, right? And then it was Mom and Dad who would give me gifts. Mom acted as my Santa for a good 2-3 years. I remember how she would give me excuses of how a big box of V-tech fit through the window (with that "bars" and stuff on them). She told me it was magic. I even questioned about "Santa's" messy handwriting. She answered me with, "Well you see, Santa was probably in a hurry." For a year or so I believed her. I remember one Christmas, I got a card for Santa... or was it mere a piece of paper..? Anyway, yeah then I pinned it on the curtain and waited for his arrival. Mom said I shouldn't wait because Santa won't come if I'm still awake. (Translation: I won't let you see me putting your gift beside the window.)

*sigh* Yup. Those were the days. And now? I've only got one gift: A gift from Mom (AKA: my personal Santa). No, it's not something I crave or something I've been wanting. But I suppose, I want it too-- for us, that is. It's something for the future. I recently sealed the deal with Engr. Reyes about the land. We couldn't buy a house yet so that's it for now. That's what she claims as my gift for this Christmas. I don't really think of it as that though. Instead, I think that having my Mom, being who she is and how she is with me, is a gift everyday. It's more than enough to fill any crappy Christmas experiences I had. (And boy, I have a lot of those moments!) So there you go.

I didn't feel the "warmth" of my friends today. This is the first Christmas that all I had were text messages: gm~s and no more than 2 pms that were not Christmas-related. No phone calls whatsoever. No emails. I'll check my friendster later. It's sad, I guess but hey-- they have their own lives. With my lethargy today, I didn't try contact them much anyway so... It's just... different now. IDK. Ah whatever. I'm having my only-child melancholy moment. Enough about this.

:+:+:+:

LK updates! ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL thankfully =DI'm always waiting for Little Kuriboh to update somehow. As abridge fans know, he's been busy with work, recently married life, and with moving. I'm so glad I found this: YGOTAS: Christmas Special 2.

Yugi: I mean, I already have every trading card known to man. Why does he(Santa) keep sending me booster packs?
Grandpa: Perhaps it's because he loves you!
Yugi: Yeah, well, maybe if he loved me, he'd get me a Playstation 3!
Grandpa: Well maybe Santa can't afford one.
Yugi: Well maybe Santa could just go to hell then!
Grandpa: Well maybe Santa thinks he'll see you there after he smothers you with a pillow in your sleep!
Yugi: ...
Grandpa: Pleasant dreams, Yugi.
XD That was priceless.
Merry Slavemas LittleKuriboh! lolz

:+:+:+:

R.I.P MADDIE BLAUSTEIN

Last December 11, Maddie Blaustein (48) (sometimes credited as Adam or Addie), died in her sleep. She was a very talented and dedicated voice actress. As were many fans, I was sad about what happened. So sad in fact that I decided to buy Pokemon dvds-- the episodes/seasons that I missed-- just to hear her Meowth performance. I stopped watching Pokemon around the Master Quest season because we moved here in the Philippines and we've no cable. It was then I lost interest in it. Just recently when my friend Reggie lent me his Nintendo DS (for me to play Pokemon Pearl), I felt nostalgic. I don't care what people say (most of them are hypocrites anyway), I loved Pokemon back then (both the anime and the game-- it was the "reason" why I wanted a Gameboy Color) and I still love it now. I guess, I'll always will.

Here are some memorable roles of Maddie Blaustein in Pokemon:
Seymour (scientist in Mt. Moon)
AJ (trainer with a Sandshrew, I think)
Damian (trainer with a Dordrio.. the pokemon race..)
Bill
Lt. Surge
James' father
Meowth (epic win)
random pokemon

others that I'm familiar with:
Solomon Moto (Yu-Gi-Oh)
Dr. K (Cubix)

There's lot more. Truly talented.

May you rest in peace. "Meowth that's right!"
(Pictures are credited to Bulbapedia.)

:+:+:+:

TAKIP SILIM: TWILIGHT PHILS. SERIESTakipsilim is the Pinoy remake of Twilight. It's gonna be a series in ABS-CBN. Fans are currently plotting on bombing the station. No, just kidding.

When I heard about it from Ate Jonah, I was like, "Seriously?", followed by a string of thoughts that led to: the actors that will play as the Cullens (or whatever remake name they'll have) better fit the description or at least close to it. I already have a feeling na baka hindi sila makakuha ng "maayos" na Rosalie. Ayon, tama ako. No offense to Karylle, I think she's a good actress but... I simply can't see Rosalie in her. *sigh* Then I saw Joros will be playing Jasper. I laughed. No offense to him too but... as Jasper? Other people are very much... cruel about it. *sigh* I can't see Rayver as Edward (though I think he's cute.. not Greek god material though..). Shaina as Bella is fine, I suppose, but isn't she too beautiful for the role? (Bella says she looks "plain".) Chin Chin Gutierrez as Esme fits well. Esme's supposed to look like (as from Bella's perspective) Snow White. Lucky Manzano as Emmett is fine too... but I feel as though something's lacking in him. I'm not familiar with the actress who'll play Alice (I was very much hoping for Aiza Marquez (sp?).) maybe coz I don't watch tv anymore. *sigh* My oh my.

Intrigue, intrigue. I think I might want to watch it.
*everyone gasps*

:+:+:+:

Skin Change: SOON
I worked on it already but I changed my mind recently. *sigh* It's hard being OC. I'll try to find another one then I'll change this as soon as I can.

The Fighter of Dinosaur-like Creature Saw Me!

2008-12-17T07:27:00.010+08:00

mood: a bit bewildered
listening to: none

I made reviewers for 2 subjects (that I have an exam on for today) till it was around 3am and my elbows, hands, and neck hurt like hell.

I just woke up after 3 attempts to get out of bed at 6am and ending up asleep again and again.. and again.

I just had a very bizarre dream. I thought I should blog about it before I forgot.

I was at my house (in reality it resembled my lola's house-- I grew up there) with Mom. I had some friends over and there wasn't a friendly atmosphere. It seems that there's this awkward incident that they decided to visit because one of them thought that I was dying. Oddly enough though a friend told me that he was dying but then admitted that it was a joke a few minutes later.

Anyway, as I was saying. It was very bizarre. I went to the porch to look outside. (Outside looked like a suburb of America.) I was starring at the sky when suddenly there's this huge rock that fell nearby! No, the earth didn't quake. (Was my verb correct?) I saw a big dinosaur walking near it. It resembled a T-Rex and it was green. I continued to stare in awe when my mother noticed that I was visually occupied on something outside. She went to look at it too.

You'll never guess who I saw next.

Okay, I guess you could guess. I suppose you guys could think of that character who fights off gigantic dinosaur-like creatures after transforming into his huge form, complete with a bee-like head and a light button on his chest that will go on when he's low-bat.

That's right. I'm talking about Ultraman, for those who didn't get it.

He was dressed in pink.

At first I was like, "What in the world is a T-Rex doing outside my house?!"
(Er.. a rift in the space and time continuum?)
Then, "Oh my gosh, Ultraman exists?!"
(Was it as possible as a dinosaur in my neighborhood?)
Finally, "Why pink?!"

So Ultraman pounded the dinosaur to "death" with that huge boulder, did a happy dance and then transformed back to his human form.

No, this is not the end of my bizarre dream.

The bizarre actually starts HERE!

I bet you asked why Ultraman is wearing pink.
I'll tell you why right now.
It's coz he's BISEXUAL!
NOT!
Haha.. got your attention there.

*ahem* Anyhow. No, he's not bisexual. NO.
Ultraman is actually... Ultra... GIRL.
(I couldn't say woman coz she looked liked she's around mid to late adolescence.)

Yeah. SHE's a very serious-looking girl.
Don't let the happy dance fool you. When I saw her turn her face around, she's got that I-mean-business look.

So then it seemed as though she's still very much bothered about something. She scanned the area for a moment and guess where her expression changed to "I found [it/her]!"

Yup. It was I.

Oh. My. Gosh.

"What does she want from me?!"

She goes running off to the direction of my house and instinctively, I decided to hide. The concept of hiding from... an alien (what kind of being was Ultraman..girl anyway?) seemed ludicrous but my instinct told me I should try anyhow.

I left my house when I couldn't hide there in time as my mother was being asked by Human Ultragirl.

I went directly to Lola Jessie's house. I hid behind her gate and saw a guy in her garden. He looked nice and innocent. I gave him a gesture of would-you-mind-if-I-hide-in-here-and-pls-be-quiet-about-it. He simply smiled and nodded. I wondered who he was.

I peeped through the gaps of the gate to see that my friends were leaving. One by one I stare at them thinking suspiciously if Ultragirl disguised as one of them. In the end, I saw her. I held my breath for what it seemed like 15 seconds and it's already getting hard for me.

She stopped in front of the gate. She could freakin' sense me! She started to reach the gate handle and all kinds of thoughts circled in my mind.

Why did she pick me?
What does she want from me?
Should I be scared?
Is this my destiny?
Will I become her apprentice?
Will this be a good thing?
Or will I turn out to be an alien experiment?

And then I woke up.

I'm glad I did but I do feel a bit disappointed right now when I think about it. I mean... I want to know why she needs to talk to me. The reason might be something mind-boggling. Curiouser and curiouser.

I'm betting she wanted me to become her sidekick.
LOL

Could someone get Grandpa Freud on the phone for me?

o_o

2008-11-26T05:38:00.009+08:00

mood: slightly stressed
listening to: Black Cherry - Goldfrapp

I haven't been blogging lately. A lot of things happened and I even forgot about the tags I'm supposed to answer months ago! I even have a new layout in mind but then I got unsatisfied with it.

Life's been busy with all sorts of things. Most of the time, I hardly get any sleep. In one of my classes last week, my eyes practically surrendered! It was shameful and embarassing for my part coz I hate the concept of dozing off in class as well as not having enough sleep. My dark circles are more visible than ever. Ugh. It's dreadful.

Anyway... (look at the time) I have 830 class today: Social Psychology. Thank goodness I have learned to wake up early. (I missed the first class of the semester coz I overslept despite having 3 alarm clocks-- that tends to happen to me.) So yeah.. If ever I have the time, have the space (to edit pics for the entry) or enough interest to blog, I will. This will be all for now.

Pics to put up:
Cosplay Con / Cosmania 2008
Hataw Hanep Hero Con 4
Lola's 81th bday party

This is the first cap I bought.. ever! =) I love it. (kinda big though)

Plans

2008-10-24T12:41:00.008+08:00

mood: a bit cheerful
listening to: Kimi Dake O - Mi

I'm working on a new layout. Hopefully, it will be up tomorrow.
I hope matuloy kami ni sis Chamie today (sleep-over).
=)

What we're playing to watch:
Bambino
Bokura Ga Ita
Dragon Zakura
Koizora
Nodame Cantabile
Tantei Gakuen Q (not the jdrama.. I don't have the cd yet)
... but I'm sure we won't be able to watch them all.
Oh well. There would be next time, hopefully.

Yesterday I had the chance to talk with Kuya Raffy about the floor plans I made, the materials that we could possibly use, etc. He said there were great houses they made a while back in Quezon City and if I have time, we could go there for me to have ideas. In the coming monday, I'm going to talk to Engr. Reyes and get the floor plan of the other house ("peach")-- the one that Mom remembers, so that I could study it.

First day of "classes" will be on the coming Tuesday. Maybe.

3 P's

2008-10-19T23:05:00.007+08:00

mood: hanging in there
listening to: Forever To Me - The Brilliant Green

I was eating corn the other day and I remembered a scene from Cinderella (the animated film). It was the scene where there was this chubby mouse who was stocking up the corn kernels and it was too much for him. A lot fell and he didn't notice the cat advancing on him. He returned to get the other kernels that fell-- which he shouldn't have because it almost cost him his life.

I eyed the kernel I was holding.

Should human beings settle to just how much kernels they could hold?
Should human beings want more kernels?
Is it bad being an overachiever?
Is it bad to want more than what you already have?
Is greed that bad when your happiness is on the line? Only you could feel the emotions you feel anyway. It's not like other people would live your life for you, you know.

*sigh*

Life teaches us many things. Most are the opposites of each statement, like you should be contented on what you have but at the same time, you should aim higher-- that's how man make fantastic discoveries, fulfill dreams, and make use of innovation!

I say: Satisfy your hunger if it will make you happy and no one gets hurt or affected by it. No one should make your decisions for you. Discover things on your own. Not everything should be planned; be spontaneous. Stop and smell the roses. Enjoy being alive. You only have one life after all and life is too short.

I was cleaning my room yesterday and when I arranged my home clothes, I found this old top bought from Old Navy years ago. The print looked worn out but I hardly wore it back then. I'm wearing it right now coz I feel like it. =D

*****

I finally got a tripod! I hope Nono (my Canon A720 IS) and my tripod (haven't got a name for it yet) will be the best of friends. =D A couple more years (probably 7 more) and I'll get my very own DSLR. I could salivate for it. I can't wait!

Hmm... I want different lenses now.

*****

I stayed up till like 4am or so coz I couldn't sleep. My mind kept racing on floor plans, my dream kitchen (that we can't afford), and how I'm going to buy the modern-style furniture that I want for the living room. (The chairs! The chairs!) It must be hard being an architect who needs to take into consideration the house model budget, structure, and square meter limits. But I love being in charge of the interior design though. (I'm in charge of almost everything, really.)

Ah yes, to be young and inspired.

psychology
philosophy
photography
interior design
architecture
classical music
culinary arts
foreign language
literature
= LOVE.

The best part? I got a text message from Mom. She said she's so proud of me. Despite being... like this... I could still manage. Ate She on the phone told me that she's glad I'm hanging in here. Sis Chamie said she might sleep over next week.

I cried from joy, worry, and weariness.

*****

We might enroll tomorrow. *sigh* The week went by so fast. I'll be buried with school work, depressed about my "low" grades, and be grateful that I learn very interesting and helpful things everyday again.

Second sem... GO!

*****

Since I was around 15 or so, I have already imagined the perfect proposal and wedding. Now, I wonder if I'll ever have it.

If I do find (again) someone I'll love more than myself, someone who'll understand me, someone who'll be patient enough, someone who's loyal and encouraging, someone who's wholeheartedly willing to be with me and spend the rest of his remaining years of life with me because he's crazy about me (not obsessively crazy-- in love crazy) ... then I can say that... I could actually be.. very, very happy... the type of happy that I might imagine the birds singing to me in the morning... the type of happy that will hopefully stay for more than half a year..

*sigh*

Hmmm...
I miss him.

My heart is crying out to you, yeah...
Forever to me...
It's been a while since I listened to The Brilliant Green.
I love their songs.

*****

I'm going to change blog skin as soon as I figure out which one to choose. I want a really simple one now.

Success, Current Exhaustion, and Death

2008-10-09T10:25:00.006+08:00

mood: exhausted
listening to: none

We have our finals this week. Sem break's next week. It's not much of a short vacation since there would be the checking of clearance, getting class cards, and then the enrolment, of which was changed so my friends and I have to register in groups or else we won't be in the same classes. The good thing is with this, we get to be with the other courses (for our minor subjects). It won't be that much boring anymore.

***

I'm exhausted. My whole body is craving for sleep and relaxation. It's hard being a person with OCD, but I can't help it.

***

The magazine we did was great! Hard work payed off. 2-3 days of only around 4-5 hours of sleep. Yes, I still manage to function. I surprise myself.

***

The best thing that happened recently: My lola's caretaker became mine too. Now, I wake up with food downstairs, the smell of clean when I get back from school, clean furniture so no more potential allergy attacks or cringing when I see a layer of dust, and I get to talk to someone during the day. Things are looking up. I still miss my mom.

My past caretaker didn't do very well.. yet again. There's been four and kanya-kanyang kapalpakan. With Ti Diling, I know I'm in good hands. She's been with my family for as long as I can remember. She cleans thoroughly, washes clothes well, cooks good food, and she has a good heart. I'm glad to have her here.

The worst thing that happened recently: One of my uncles died-- Tito Racquel, the second one on my mother's side. In my life, I've only seen him like twice or so, and that doesn't include pictures. The only picture of him that I saw was when he was like 5y.o. or something so that doesn't count. From that, you could conclude that I hardly knew him but I heard a lot of err.. not pleasant things about him. Unfortunately for him, he was the only "unsuccessful" sibling. I don't know what happened for him to throw his life away at an early age. He died from a bunch of sickness from drinking and smoking too much. I'm not sure but probably did drugs too, which makes me wonder where he gets the money for that, right? He probably has err.. ways.. or "jobs". Ok, I'm not going to dive to that.

So yeah... The siblings decided they would pitch in with the coffin and the funeral. I must say, this is like the first time someone so close to me died. By "close", I meant in blood relation. He died before Grandma. It's almost scary. But then again, he wasn't healthy. I'm expecting my cousins to contact me and ask me to come to the funeral. I haven't thought of it yet until right this moment. I'm sorry to say, but I don't like I'd like to go there. I'm not good with funerals or any family gathering for that matter. It would be boring and I'll be staring into space. (They'll probably make me take away my mobile in case I'm in desperate need to text anyone to save me.) But then again, I do have my conscience, boy do I really. So I'll probably end up going anyway. It would be one night and I suppose, I should say goodbye to him (and I don't like the idea of being haunted just coz I was absent).

***

We'll finish watching Awakenings later for our second film review. Robin Williams and Robert De Niro were great. What else is new?

Stuck

2008-10-01T11:17:00.009+08:00

mood: exhausted
listening to: Stuck - Stacie Orrico

I finally went to the doctor yesterday. The secretary from the Kidney Institute did not do as she promised-- she didn't deliver my CT Stonogram results to San Juan De Dyos(sp?) Hospital so my doctor had to call her from the KI. She had to go to the Xray department and get it then have it explained. Geez. My doctor got the basic gist of it.

It's confirmed. I have a stone again. Let's now go to the disadvantage and advantage.

The bad: Its existence and the fact that it could grow bigger or fall and get stuck in my urinary tract. By then, it's the same case all over again: stone gets stuck, not all urine will pass through, infections could occur, the lining might get wounded, I'll suffer very intense pains for hours or days, my kidney would swell, and in the darkest idea-- it will be very damaged. (not to say that it is already because of last time)

The good: It's not in my urinary tract [yet] so if it remains stuck there in a place where it won't be fatal for me, then it's fine leaving it there. No pain, no swollen kidney, no expensive ESWL, and most importantly-- Mom will get to buy the house.

My doctor said he'll still review the results because he needs to see where it is, its size, and if there's a possibility that it will fall and get stuck. Then he told me that I'll need occassional visits so that we'll know it it's getting bigger somehow.

Btw, I forgot to return the hospital ID so my old school ID was left there. I'm planning on getting it sometime... I only found out when we're miles away. My level of forgetfulness reached impossible.

I hate it.

***

I'm thinking of changing my blog skin.

***

I love the clothes at Terra Nova(sp?)!

***

*sigh* I'm hoping for a Rory-Dean situation post break-up thing. Yeah.. if only. But he's not like Dean.

My deams recently have such obvious meanings, mostly my wishes that I obviously can't have. Bummer.

***

Our defense is on Thursday, finals next week. Goodluck to us all.

***

I heard there's a storm near Manila. Ingat mga nasa byahe.

ER and HL update

2008-09-24T01:48:00.008+08:00

mood: sleep deprived
listening to: none

Alright, since I've been neglecting my blog (and very sorry about that), I decided to put up a "quick" entry. Why quick again? Well, look at the time.

ON OUR EXPERIMENTAL RESEARCH (formerly thought of as THESIS)...We are going to have our defense next week. We are currently working on better sentence structures, grammar, and right choice of words. Computations were done, thanks to Kuya Norman. In the end, we made use of the T-test.

ON BUYING HOUSE AND LOT...Mom's decisions are constantly changing. She's trying to think of ways on how to accommodate Grandma's living situation, my floor plans (vision of our dream house), my health condition, as well as relative(s) who might come to visit next summer vacation:
1. She decided to buy a house and lot at Camella Homes (due to a good nudge from a friend). My friends and I checked it out.

Pros:
good location
good neighborhood
Cons:
too small
wood
some cracks on walls
etc.
[No offense to them-- this is a personal review after all. Every person has his/her preferences.]
Conclusion: Thanks, but we prefer a bigger (concrete) house.

2. She decided to buy a house and lot from Mr. Reyes (her engineer friend) at Carenville (not sure of spelling).

Pros:
She knows him so we trust him.
good location - in terms of being "near" relatives and friends
good neighborhood
concrete, stone ('nuf said)
bigger house, same price as in Camella Homes'
remodeling will be an easy negotiation
there's deep well
Cons:
bad location - in terms of civilization (AKA malls, offices, etc) are far, the nearest one would take around 45 minutes to get there
neighbor's house is too close (unless we pick the lot where there's no house on either side yet)
far from school
kitchens are still small
don't need 3 bathrooms and toilet (1 toilet downstairs, 1 toilet and bathroom upstairs, and 1 toilet and bathroom with bathtub in the master's bedroom upstairs)
the balcony is somewhat small
the master's bedroom AKA my future room is smaller than what i wanted

3. Mom decided to ask Mr. Reyes if we could remodel the house-- remove the bedroom and toilet downstairs to give way to a bigger kitchen. He said yes.

4. Mom and I decided to take off the balcony (since it's small anyway) and the bathroom and toilet, to give way to a bigger master's bedroom.

5. Mom and I decided to keep the balcony. (me = potential photoshoot location; mom = open-air relaxation spot for afternoon tea or midnight star gazing)

6. Mom decided to make Grandma live with us so that Grandma's "caregiver" Ti Diling will be able to take care of both of us, though I'm obviously very low maintenance. (They know her since before I was born, she also took care of me when I was small-- she's more of a mutual family-friend of ours.) It was a great idea from Mom coz it will be like killing two birds with one stone regarding grandma and my living situation.

The debate of whether or not we make Gran live with me was settled. It's fine with me but we all know that Gran will be so upset coz she loves her house too much and she can't bring her cats into the new house-- I'm allergic to cats (fortunately not to dogs). I reminded Mom about that but she said she talked to Gran and she agreed. Yeah, it was surprising. I told Mom that if Gran will have a dementia episode, it won't be pretty but Mom said that she'll probably forget about it once she calmed down. Good luck to Ti Diling for taking care of her. I'll be out of the house most of the time what with school, school activities and OJT so by the time I'll be home, Gran could be resting or sleeping by then.

7. Mom decided to keep the bedroom and toilet downstairs for Gran.

8. Due to my current health condition-- the possibility that there's a kidney stone stuck in my urinary tract again, Mom decided to put everything on hold. Major disappointment in my part.

9. Mom said she'll probably just "build" a house on a lot she bought from Mr. Reyes years ago in a location that I'm not very fond of.

Pros:
full control of house materials to be used
full control of what the house will look like (ultimate enjoyment)
"near" Gran's house
near Ti Diling's
the lot is bigger than the ones from Carenville(sp?)
Cons:
don't like the location (there's a farm-like body of land very near us)
neighbors are too close
kinda far from my friends
far from school
Conclusion: Since the lot area is bigger and I will have full control on the floor plans and materials, I'd say I could consider and forget about the crappy location.

Unfortunately, until I'll know of the result from my CT stonogram, I don't know when Mom would decide to build the house. Tita Risma and a cousin might come to visit next year and Gran might not last for long so I would really want the house to be built. I absolutely hate being a burden even thought they don't think I'm being a burden-- which makes me feel even more crappy about myself! This kidney stone should've waited one more year but nooo, it had to get stuck right when we might finally have a real property, I'm busy with school, and I'm having personal problems! Arrgh...

Swollen Side

2008-09-15T02:53:00.007+08:00

mood: worried
listening to: my heartbeat

I can't sleep. My left kidney is bothering me again. It's been three days that I feel discomfort on my left side. At first, I didn't bother the subtle pain but now, well, it's obviously swollen. A stone is probably stuck again. I feel discomfort when sitting and lying (hence the could-not-sleep-yet stage). I want to calm down but I can't stop crying. I'm using this blog for catharsis since I know I can't call anyone at this time and I've no load.

I wouldn't want to bother anyone anyway so..

I've decided to wait for a week (to confirm if it's really a stone-- if I bleed or experience excrutiating pain) and then maybe get a CT-scan. I hate fasting. I could not go on an hour without eating something here at home.

My poor kidney...
I'm so sorry.

I know I don't blog as "frequent" as before; been really busy and tired lately: thesis, midterms, and other school activities (intrams, etc). But they're over (except the thesis.. or experimental research was it..).

I'll just pray it will somehow pass my urinary tract and out of my body so I don't need another operation, "wasting" money again for my weak, dysfunctional body. If my left kidney was 20-30% damaged then, I don't want it to be damaged that much this time-- the doctors might think of taking it out of my body. I know I will still have my right kidney but then if another freakin stone will.. God forbid.. *sigh* Yeah, I am depressed. Just when I thought things couldn't get more bleak-- it does.

I'm facing a familiar health dilemma.
I don't wanna miss classes again.
Sa darating na Oktubre-- isang taon na ang nakalipas.
I hate being alone at times like this.
It's so hard but there's nothing I could do.

Big Update

2008-08-04T10:41:00.013+08:00

mood: a bit tired
listening to: Fade Into You - Mazzy Far

It's been a heck of a long while since I last put up an entry. A lot also happened but I was too lazy to blog it, sorry. I'm gonna rant now. You have been warned. Here we go [without pictures yet]:

ON THE EARTHQUAKE RUMOR SPREAD...You'll find it amusing enough that I actually took it seriously. I'm the type of person who often gives the benefit of the doubt and believe in people despite others' mistrust. Maybe it's because I don't like to regret on not believing on people. Maybe it's because I was engrossed with what happened in the Bible, no one believed in Jesus and well, we know what happened with that. Maybe it's also because I could sympathize with those people since I myself had been put in that situation back then. Or maybe I'm still too gullible for my own good.

It seriously pisses me off that a particular group of people (family members pa un ha) didn't believe me. As if I did something that could make them distrust me. I am too honest and trusting, my conscience level is too high, and I am not a risktaker-- which is why when I purposely tell a lie as a joke, it doesn't go through the end of the day without my confession (a week at the most on rare occassions). Also, usually even if I am not the one who did a mistake, I would still somehow feel guilt so I am usually the one trying to patch things up. Yeah, sometimes I dislike myself for being that... stupid and forgiving. But well, it's better than being too anxious.

Better me than them, right?

So I went to sis Chamie to crash there for the night. We prayed, I panicked a little but thank goodness nothing happened. I felt a bit like an idiot but I didn't regret about being "prepared". It's better than regretting.

Damn chain letter.

ON OUR THESIS TITLE DEFENSE...Kuya Norman, Ellen, May and I had our title defense. I wasn't as much as nervous of that as with the earthquake rumor so.. Haha. It went well. Some areas are changed and/or altered for the better. =)

ON OUR RECOLLECTION...We went to Sisters of Mary. The place looks nothing like it's built on donations. I swear it even looked better than, well, other private schools. [insert random gasps here] Food wasn't so great though. The chapel was beautiful. (If only taking pictures are allowed in that chapel.) During confession, May, Len, and I were the last ones and I think the time of the mass caught with us so the priest made our session very brief. I only got to confess one sin while I was planning to confess around three. Ah well, there would be other times. I still can't receive the holy bread till that next time. *sigh*
[pictures later]

ON OUR PRELIM EXAMS AND GRADES...I am generally not satisfied with my prelim scores and my overall grades. I've been depressed for like a week. I am so disappointed with myself. This is the result of being used to having high grades. I feel like I'm losing my identity-- seriously. As it turned out, I guess I still couldn't pull away from my nerd side. Damn it, I am so upset. Why can't I memorize as good as before?! Is it anxiety? Is there something wrong with my hippocampus?! Is it some kind of chemical imbalance?! *screams in frustration* I need to knooow!

ON ELECTRONICS PROBLEMS...I found out that the lens of my Aowa dvd player is broken. So that's why it couldn't read cds. It would cost me P1200 for the lens plus P400 for labor. They suggested to buy a new one for P1500. I thought so too. I miss watching dvds. I rarely use the television nowadays. When I get a new one I'll probably watch Gilmore Girls marathon. I miss that so much.

My mobile's experiencing some technical difficulties recently too. Sometimes it would freeze on me. There are also those times when it would turn off suddenly and then the words "Insert SIM Card" would flash on screen. Freaks me out big time. My mobile is too important to me. All the numbers I need are in there. I don't keep a written record anymore. (I did have a typewritten document but it's not updated so.. it's almost useless.) I have more than 750 numbers there. *sigh* It also acts as my calendar and my alarm clock. I'd be lost without it. But it seems as though it can't handle those responsibilities any longer. *sigh* I did say in the past that I'll keep using it till it passes it's 3 year anniversary and it's been over 3 years now.. like it heard me or something. Ah well, I won't replace Sam. I'll just buy a new cellphone and use Sam once in a while. Besides, the pictures and other memoirs are still there so.. you know, sentimental value. I won't swap it or give it to anyone (not like someone would want a beat up, scratched, defective, old mobile anyway).

Now I just need to find a second-hand mobile somewhere I could afford and give it a proper name. I prefer a Nokia one since it's user-friendly and it has a group message feature. Manual group messaging is a big pain on the fingertips, not to mention time consuming.

... Perhaps I should follow this format when I don't blog much. Till next big update again!

Twilight Official Trailer and some updates

2008-07-20T19:03:00.015+08:00

mood: tired but a bit cheerful
listening to: Moment of Truth - FM Static

Quick entry. Just got home. Need to eat dinner first. So happy I bought 2 pairs of shoes. One was on sale. One's purple, the other was gold. Not sure if I could wear it to school though; gotta talk to the guards.

Later after I ate and tidy up my room and the kitchen, I'm gonna edit this entry and talk about my busy week: thesis title, the earthquake rumor, Mom's changing decision, etc.

[edit]
Or perhaps the next week. I have prelims coming up. I might not blog till it's finished. -_- Anyway-- look what's on finally!

The official trailer was released! Yay!

I'll have to comment on this later. Okay fine, one comment: Check out Robert Pattinson's look on 00:23. His eyes are GORGEOUS.

I gotta say that I was the first to sign in the reservation list for Breaking Dawn at Robinsons Imus. *cackles* Edward! Edward! Edward! I want my own "Edward".

Ahem. Gotta stop hoping coz it ain't gonna happen. LOL

Ta-ta for now.[/edit]

Pwede Ba?

2008-07-12T14:15:00.003+08:00

mood: mal
listening to: Pwede Ba - Soapdish

Pwede bang sabihin mo
Na itatago mo ang mga sulat ko
Kasi medyo maiinis ako
Kung itatapon mo.

Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa.

At pwede bang sabihin mong,
"Maghihintay ako sa'yo..."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo

Pwede bang isipin mo
Nahihirapan din naman ako
Sa paghintay lang ng kung anu-ano
Magmumula sa'yo

At 'wag kang magtataka
Kung ako'y biglang makita
Na nag-iisa
Hakahiga lang sa kama
Iniisip ko ito,
"Ba't nga ba biglang nagbago?"
Makayanan ko sana 'to.

Pwede bang sabihin mong,
"Maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo...

At pwede ba.. pwede ba.. pwede ba?

May natandaan ako dati.. at miss kita. Haha.

I Miss You Everyday, Remember?

2008-07-10T19:37:00.008+08:00

mood: sad
listening to: Desperately by Michelle Branch

I saw the person I've been missing so much today. (At first I looked at him like I'm in a trance or somethin' then I asked May and Len, "Hey, is he who I think he is?" ROFL Yeah I'm a dork.. a myopic dork..) He looks fine and happy. It's quite sad that my predictions became true. (Most of my predictions come true, I swear.) In high school, we're so close. Now it's like "see ya when I see ya". *sigh* Well, that's one of the big sacrifices I made in the past.

It somehow makes me ponder about my decisions back then [again]. He asked more than 3 times.. I declined all those times. I didn't trust him enough. I didn't trust him because I wanted him to make sure that he's really over her. I'm not the type of girl who'd want to be for rebound. [Hell no.] But somehow.. Somehow.. I suppose I do regret a lot of things in the past. I was too defensive. I was too.. innocent. I was a neophyte when it comes to relationships. My defense mechanisms and fears held my decisions. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I mean, they're called defense mechanisms for a reason, you know?

But still..

Maybe I should've been more stubborn.

Something 'bout the way you looked at me
Made me think for a moment
That maybe we were meant to be
Living our lives seperately
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you
So desperately

I wonder.. what could've happened if I said, "Yes." Will we be happy? Will we be together right now? Or will you eventually break it off with me anyway?

Perhaps these random thoughts occur for the mere fact that I miss him so terribly. I miss the things we do, the things we talk about, all those of what we share.. memories.. experiences.. *sigh* Mag-senti ka ba, Mia?

It was noon today that sis Chamie gave me a missed call on my mobile. I was getting ready for school. I thought she needs to talk to me or something. I called her. She simply said, "Wala lang. Naisip lang kita." She told me she's been looking at our memorabiliasss. I teased her, "Aba mag-senti ba?"

Yeah. Mas madalas ako mag-senti, Chamie. There's never a time that I stop thinking. Sometimes I wish to just stop. But then again, we know what that means. LOL I'm not ready to give in to insanity or death yet, thank you very much.

It's been like almost 4 years that we became friends. Hope it will last a lifetime. Yeah, friends. It would be great to have your first love as your friend for the rest of your life.

What am I saying, we are friends! Yeah. Friends. But not close friends anymore. Sad, isn't? Why did it became like this? *sigh* Like I'll always say, "Hayaan na lang. It was our decision naman din eh."

But still..

I do miss him terribly.

Perhaps there is.
Perhaps there isn't.
Perhaps it should've been.
Perhaps...
Perhaps...
For now, it's "perhaps".
We'll never know.

Note: Malakas ang loob ni Mia mag-post ng ganito kasi alam nyang hindi naman to nababasa. LOL

Acquaintance Success

2008-07-02T22:31:00.005+08:00

mood: cheerful
listening to: Everything - Alanis Morissette

Our 2008 Acquaintance Party was fun! I really enjoyed it-- and I was surprised about that. I had this bad gut feeling yesterday afternoon that something "bad" will happen. As it turned out, May didn't get to join us coz of some problem at home. At least it wasn't something I could handle, thank goodness. Pero sayang pa rin di sya nakasama.

I've less than 100MB. You get what I mean. Pics will be up later. *sigh* I need more space!

Here's a vid tribute to my friends who know me.. my dimensions.. the good and bad points.. and still love me for simply being me. Sorry for being too neurotic sometimes, guys. Sorry if I worry you too much. I'll be fine. Enjoy my new fav song. =)

Note: I noticed the song in this video is the edited one.. but despite that, I put the orig lyrics at the bottom (not whole though). You'll notice I crossed-out the parts of the lyrics that doesn't depict me while I bolded the ones that hit me correctly. Haha.

Thanks for putting up with me through all these years.

~~I can be an asshole of the grandest kind~~
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen and you've never met anyone
Who is as positive as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

~~I blame everyone else & not my own partaking~~
~~My passive aggressive-ness can be devastating~~
I'm terrified and mistrusting and you've never met anyone
Who is as closed down as I am sometimes

What I resist persists and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you've ever known
I am the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known and you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

Wishing For Numbness

2008-06-30T20:34:00.015+08:00

I wish to become numb from everything.
I wish to be the master of repression.

Why did I grew up to be such a serious person? I worry a lot. I give importance to even the little, simple things. I try to be more laid-back.. but it's hard to adjust right away.

I'm tired and sick of everything. That's the truth. The entries here is of only those times when I feel slightly happy-- or at the very least, trying to look on the better side of life. (I generally call them distractions.) But really, the truth is.. ayoko na. There's this inevitable point in time when I'm really loosing myself with everything that's happening. Perhaps what keeps me going on is my Mom and God (the main ones, and of course, my friends). The latter because I fear Him. The first because I owe/love her that much.

*sigh*

Sawang-sawa na ako.
I don't wanna live this way.

"Neng, iilang beses lang talaga sa taon na nakikita/nararamdaman kitang masaya."

'I'm sorry, Mom. I have to put my cold, almost apathetic front when I'm talking with you. I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I also don't want to seem as if I'm happy without you (God knows I'm not). I know you've been suffering for so long too. You of all people deserve to be happy. I could say I'm like the luckiest daughter in the world for having you as my mom. And so I'd rather suffer alone. I'd never admit to you the level of misery I feel every damn day...'

Maybe autistic people are lucky after all.

Sis Chamie, I miss you. I look forward to our plans on Saturday. I desperately need your company. It's been so long since we've talked.

May, Len, Kuya Norman, Ate She, and others, thanks for your support and company in school. I cherish every moment I spend with you guys. I really do. You guys.. and the sessions with Mrs. Barron.. are generally the reasons why I'd still want to go to school even though I always feel like I'd like to stop any time soon. I sound utterly pathetic, don't I?

And YOU...
You said you'll make me happy.
You said you won't leave me.
Where are you when I needed you the most?
If I only listened to my fears before,
maybe I wouldn't be in this fatal situation.
And yet..
And yet..
I remain stupid.
Even if we take the stupid off.
It's still [almost] the same..
the fact that "I remain."

I'd like to just sleep this but.. I still have homework, dinner to do, and reports/research waiting for me. This frail body might not handle the stress any longer.. But I hope.. that if it would happen-- that my body will eventually surrender-- I hope.. my mind won't.

I'm pathetic and ashamed of it.

My whole being hurts.

Height Change and Color Preferences

2008-06-21T22:12:00.014+08:00

mood: pleased
listening to: Stay In Love - Mariah Carey

As it turns out, my growth hormone is still active. I found out this summer that 70% of my tops are either hanging or near to it. I dislike tops that makes me uncomfortable when bending or sitting.. you know, the ones that you have to hold on the backside just so you won't look ridiculous. *sigh* So yeah, I couldn't bring myself to ask mom if I could "replenish" my wardrobe. Subtley though, I tried. (I was desperate.) Thankfully, she told me to buy some. =)

I always have this weakness for white, black, brown, and black with pink tops, but what surprised me is my recent interest with tshirts! A few months or years ago, I would see tshirts on racks and then I would wrinkle my nose, thinking 'sleeveless tops look so much better on girls' or something like that. (Yeah, I was biased haha.) Now I love statement tees!

I'm still cautious about the colors though. A few years back I'm in love with pink tops. Yeah, preference changes so.. I was looking through my tops for the "shrunken ones" to give away and I've noticed from the stacks my clear color preferences. Pink and white tops are dominant (since like I've said, I was addicted to pink tops), followed by black, then brown. I've only some yellow, blue, and red. I dislike orange and so I only have like one orange top-- given to me by a relative of which I forgot exactly who. Come to think of it, I never really liked orange, yellow, and red even as colors. It's quite ironic that being a Leo and Earth Dragon, those are "my" colors. Ugh.

So yeah.. bought a black top at Tribal. I was at Camp Beverly Hills when I became excited with choosing tops-- unfortunately, with all the other items I bought earlier, I could only afford two more tops. I decided on the "Some are born LUCKY" top-- and I bought it on white and black! LOL. My first time buying the same tee for two different colors.. They're of different sizes too. The black one'ss medium and the white's small. Here's what it looks like:

Yeah, I know, I know, my hair's hiding the statement. LOL My hair's so long now.

Here's another one:

The pic's blurred since I had to resize it and then edit the lighting. It was taken late afternoon.

I'm still looking for black leggings, a specific length skirt, and some shorts. Rainy season's coming up so I suppose shorts are hiding now or something. I couldn't find any my size. They're either too high, too small, or too big. Ugh!

gorgeous grey chiffon.. I want it!!

I want this skirt!

lovin' casual..

cute top..

I need to start my Spanish self-study. I found out my tape recorder's broken (of old age probably). I was so excited about doing my own tape tutorial too! Hmph.

Boy: Do you like anyone?
Girl: Well, actually.. more like "love".
B: Who is it?
G: Umm.. three letters.. starts with a Y and ends with a U.
B: Funny, I love that person too.
Waaay corny.. but cute somehow.. I guess.

His Presence

2008-06-20T23:44:00.002+08:00

mood: not so good
listening to: none

"If all else perished,
And he remained,
I should still continue to be;
And if all else remained,
And he were annihilated,
The universe would turn to a mighty stranger."
~ Wuthering Heights

I'd just finished Eclipse; May returned it to me this afternoon. I continued from where I left off after I had dinner. (It was a few days ago that I decided to no longer wait. It was as if the book itself beckoned me.) I was seriously trying not to cry on the later chapters that indicate conclusion (almost) from Bella to Jacob. Perhaps because I've already experienced similar circumstances that's why I could feel my chest tighten while I was reading. (I was Jacob in the situation-- no, I wasn't pushy like him, in fact, I am nothing like him.) Still, as I am typing this, my chest hurts. It is as if I swallowed too much water and that my lungs could not handle it any longer. I did try my hardest not to cry while reading. I really did. A few drops escaped and that was it, but I feel proud I didn't weep. Though with the heaviness of my chest right now, I'm not so sure anymore what I should've done.

Am I repressing? Is it really repression when I didn't intend it to happen? I am confused about it. I mean, usually with an emotion this strong, my normal self would probably bury her face on her hands or on her pillow, or stare blankly with waterfalls constantly flowing on both eyes...

I remember that one time when sis Chamie was having "love-problems" with her past lover. She told me how she's hurting but she couldn't let out the feeling. She thought of ways to make her cry just so she could fend off that pain accumulated in her chest.

Maybe I'll release this before I sleep. I certainly don't want to "suffocate" to death. This type of difficulty of breathing is nothing like when I'm having my severe allergy attack. It hurts more but it's certainly more tolerable than a runny-nose. Or perhaps it has nothing to do with what I've read earlier. Perhaps it's some chemical reaction.. like low oxygen level in my room. Yeah, maybe that was it. (Though I'm sure my room is sufficiently ventilated.)

The quote from The Wuthering Heights was exactly the way I felt.

Thank The Word Itself

2008-06-20T21:56:00.010+08:00

mood: amused
listening to: Get Chu! - AAA

time for an unstructured entry [haha at last! gasp-nesss]
things have been kinda lookin' up lately for me.. i kinda cheered up when school started..
aah~ love the distractions.. anyway! i like my major subjects, most specifically.
let's not talk about the others x_x anyway!
i wanted to post something that amused me today.. and so i'll go on right to that haha

we have a quiz on cognitive psychology today. considering that ms. alvero
[mrs. maguad now.. wait, is the spelling right?] is our teacher on the subject,
i should've known better than for her to give us a "simple" quiz with what little notes we had..
not that i mind.. i half-expected as much =)
so yeah.. there were 6 parts.. most about the parts of the brain,
their location, description, and functions..
so what's amusing about that? well, before the quiz, i memorized everything
[yeah, i'm guilty for not reviewing the night before]
unfortunately though, i didn't particularly remember if
it's the forebrain or the hindbrain that's the largest part..
i know the parts within those parts but without knowing the difference, i'm doomed.
and it has such a large percentage on the quiz, too. oh poopy!
i even tried to visualize my notes but i still can't remember
if the forebrain was the first one that she discussed or not..

and so, under pressure, i've decided to answer the others first..
a few minutes of doing that and it hit me!
LOL i realized it when i kept concentrating with the word itself..
forebrain.. fore.. then hindbrain.. hind.. and that's it..
forebrain is on the top portion.. the largest part..
the hindbrain is on the lowest, almost obscure part..
that certainly solved it! and yes, i've learned my lesson
*sigh* that was a close call, isn't?!
XD i was sooo nervous and everything hahaha..
i'm such a dork..

Bye-bye When July Comes

2008-06-19T20:30:00.013+08:00

mood: a bit cheerful
listening to: Signal - KAT-TUN

We bumped into Raymond at school today. As it turns out, he's leaving (to America) around July. He's just getting his transcripts and stuff. It's good that I brought my camera. I took some shots when we ate out. I already uploaded them on my friendster account. When I tried to edit the others to put up here, unfortunately my scratch disks were full. So the only one I could upload at the moment is this:

That's odd, parang singkit ako dito.
I edited the lighting since it was kinda dark, despite the flash.. so yeah.
I'll put up others later.

Anyway, he said he'll continue college here in the Philippines. I asked when he's coming back and he said it will be about for 5 years or so. Yeah, it's so long. But he said we'll keep in touch in friendster. I told him that when he gets accustomed there, he'll forget about his friendster and will be addicted to MySpace haha.. Besides, here he rarely logs on his friendster account anyway. XD

So yeah.. with 2 years of friendship, I'd say.. So long, pal! We'll miss you! See you again in 5 years or so.. wherever part of the world we are. (Who knows where I'll be around that time? I'll probably be in London taking my Masters Degree and/or working my ass off haha..)

Oh yeah.. and you'll make Ate She miss you so much. XD

One last thing, check this out:

Amusing, isn't it? XD
Now I wonder what candy I'm gonna use. Bwahahah! *ahem*

Reservations At Bookstores

2008-06-08T22:06:00.010+08:00

mood: quite excited
listening to: I Got You - Nikki Flores

You know what's the worst thing you hear when you're in a bookstore and eager to purchase a specific book? The words from the customer service sayin', "We ran out of stock and we don't know when our supplier will come." Add a cherry on top and you got this: "Also, there's no guarantee that the supplier will deliver the specified book[s]." Grr. So yeah, my ears have been accustomed to that recently [for almost a month]. BUT! Thanks to a text message from Marie, I finally got a copy of Eclipse. It's not the special edition though, but I'm glad all the same. (I can't complain; I already have it!) I've been waitin' for it. (Okay, okay, May and I have been waitin' for it.) So I finally got it-- forgot the exact date but it's this week. I was at school and it was near lunch time. I became spontaneous so I decided to just go to Robinsons in Imus in about a minute of thinking. Yes, yes, I do have my moments.

[Here's a note: There's something that pissed me off about that. They didn't even contact me when they got the books! It's like I left details and stuff about my reservation for nothin'! Wth! That's why I think it's better to annoy them than trust them. Call them every other day and ask for the book. It's their job to check it anyway. Besides, I've learned it this way. They won't contact you despite the reservation details. Argh!]

Though I've got the book already, I've decided not to read it till.. maybe August-- if I could resist that long, that is. LOL (I probably won't.) So why wait, you ask? Haha.. I just thought that maybe if there's something I'd be eager to do in between the release of Breaking Dawn (it's on August 2, I heard) and Twilight the movie, then it will be less dreadful on those months. Does that sound weird? Whatever. I'll test my patience. For now, I'll wait for Breaking Dawn.

Dreariness, Lessons, and Room details

2008-06-05T20:48:00.010+08:00

mood: gloomy
listening to: none

Most people think I have it easy. Most of them say I'm lucky. I suppose my carefree mask is more effective than I thought. Then again I only let those people close to me know my predicaments. (Only few of them actually care enough to look beyond the facade.) There would also be those times when I put my thoughts and feelings through something.. like drawings, pictures, poems, prose, and yes, my blog. I posted some on my old blog. Unfortunately, due to some kind of html error (might be from my part.. I don't know), my posts are not visible-- only the bolded, italized, and underlined words are. *sigh* I really don't know what happened with my editing. I kept checking the font color; they're all correct and effective in the past.

So yeah, I suppose I am in the mood to write about my gloomy state, but vagely at that. I've been meaning to do this for days, I just don't put enough effort to log on blogger. *sigh* Aside from saying that I'm feeling pretty down and lethargic lately, I guess I could also post some of the lighter news here. Let's see.. I'll be fully enrolled tomorrow with May. I already saw our schedule: for MWF it's 2pm-8pm and for TTH it's 2:30pm to 7pm. I would've been satisfied with the schedule if it starts at the usual 1pm so that right after I eat lunch I'll go directly to school and then the last hour of class would've moved to an earlier time-- but hey, I don't make schedules so.. *sigh* In addition to that, we have 3 major subjects: Experimental Psychology [help.. peep!], Cognitive and Learning Psychology, and Clinical and Abnormal Psychology-- the latter two being Seminar in Psychology (I and II).

I got off the phone with Mom earlier. I asked permission if I could have keyboard/piano lesson every Saturday, seeing as I have Saturdays vacant now. Luckily, she's fine with that. On Saturdays, I could also work on my cooking and Spanish-- both self-study. I own 3 cookbooks already and it's time to put it in use. As with my Spanish, well, I'll need to go into it further since I'll have to talk to the Consulate before I turn 21. It has something to do with retaining my citizenship. I still have my notes from Sr. Ricci (high school freshman year, my old tape recorder (for the tutorial feel), and my mom's old Spanish-English dictionary. I'm planning to buy books soon too.

In relation to driving, Mom said we could put it off since I'll actually need a car and I know I won't have it by this year or in the next. Besides, priority on her list would be a house of our own in this country. (Still don't have an specific location.) Then after that, she might want a house somewhere in Europe. (She's considering in Spain.) So yeah. Keyboard, cooking, and Spanish lessons first before driving, Japanese (I'm not going to limit myself to just self-study when it comes to Japanese), and whatever-else lessons I'll have in mind. I get to cross out some things from my Things To Do Before I Die list. Yay.

Those are going to be my distractions in the near future. At the moment, I'm pretty satisfied of how I cleaned my room. Also aside from cleaning, rearranging some things, and tidying up some clutters, I also threw away stuff that I don't need-- something I absolutely refused to do in the past. (Mom: Mia, basurera ka talaga.) I have this somewhat "sentimental attachment" with err certain things so it's kinda hard to throw or give them away, but I've decided that I have to. In the next two years, I'll need to throw away a lot of stuff anyway since I'll be moving to London so I thought I better start preparing for that now. Here's a picture of my desk-- the before and after shot:

If my mom were here and she saw how my past desk looked like, she'll probably had me arrested.. or something.
Pardon the shot; I wasn't in the mood to edit.

As you can see, I removed all of my little stuffed toys/cute paperweight figures (except my Yusuke figure coz I'll love it till I grow old damn it), some books and [the cheap] manga~s. I also rearranged some books. About the pink Disney mug I bought from London (the one near Yusuke.. if you can find Yusuke, that is), I've no clue where to put it so I put it randomly in front of the manga~s. I'll try to find a better place to put it.. and what to put in it seeing as my other purple mug has pens and stuff in it already. Now it looked like there's some sophistication to it, huh? *sigh* Still can't believe I'll turn twenty soon. In two months to be exact. I can't feel it though. Hayz.

Aside from cleaning my room, I recently bought a corkboard. As a teen, I've always wanted a corkboard and posters in my room. I'm living in an apartment with a very light coral-like wall color that it seemed err.. rather impolite to put random posters around. I did put two posters (Yu Yu Hakusho and Naruto-- both gifts) on one obscure corner though. I couldn't resist. If I had my own room, I'd go crazy designing it. I'd buy the bed sheets, curtains, pillows, arm chairs, lamps and other furnitures that I want. I'd have a wall dedicated to a collage of pictures, autographs, etc. I'd have a big bookshelf.. my cork board of sorts.. throw pillows I could faint on.. some character shrine out of my would-be obsession.. ok gotta cross that one out. I need to remind myself that I'll be around 23 when that time comes damn it. The shrine thing was a joke though if I were 14 I would've done that. Time's cruel, you know.

Going back to my corkboard. I got excited with the thought of designing it. The problem lies solely on that though. I don't know where to start! (I did some search on the net last night.) I do have some ideas before the err "research" but I still don't like them. Too random. Usually random is good, but I'd like my cork board somewhat.. organized. I'd put a Things To Do section.. a Things To Remember section.. Upcoming Important Events section.. Random Pictures section (if only I have a Polaroid).. Random Mag Cut-out Articles section.. among other things that would eventually come to me. I just need to work on the design. Ribbons would be a given. Maybe I should check out the scrapbook section at the mall some time. I'll post a pic of it here when I'm done.

*sigh* I'll post my Tag answers here later. I'm still procrastinating on that, sorry. Well, gotta eat dinner now. It's rather late, I know. I woke up late too anyway. Peace out.

Will Post Tagged Answers Later

2008-05-25T12:42:00.005+08:00

mood: tired and a bit sleepy
listening to: Lithium - Evanescence

I've been forgetting to post my responses as being tagged by Ate Jonah and Frances. Sorry guys, I've been pretty preoccupied by my computer's lack of space. Everyday that I can sit in front of my pc, I upload my pics to photobucket just to free some space so that I could defrag it. It really, really needs to be. Aside from that, my scratch disk is full so I couldn't resize or edit pics of my Europe vacation with my Adobe-- which means it will still take time for me to put it up here. (Darn.)

While my pics upload (rather too slow for my liking), I go to the fanlistings of which I am listed and update my info regarding this new blog URL. I also made a new folder just for the fanlisting icons on my photobucket and that means the URL of the pics become different thus I had to update my old blog as well. -_-'

I've still got other responsibilities at home and outside-- though I'm not complaining, really. It's good to have these distractions. It takes my mind off other seemingly disturbing thoughts of my worries. Anyway, I better end this post. Either my internet connection's going bonkers on me or my recent set of pics are done uploading in photobucket. Gotta go. Sorry again.

More Than Just Painkillers

2008-05-21T13:45:00.005+08:00

mood: really?
listening to: Billy S. - Skye Sweetnam

Look at an article I found:

Aspirin, the common painkiller already proven effective in reducing the risk of heart disease, may also help lower skin cancer risk according to Australian researchers.

A study of 273 people at the Queensland Institute of Medical Research found that regularly taking non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs like aspirin could increase protection against skin cancer and sunspots.

Lead researcher David Whiteman said there was a significant difference in people who used aspirin.

"We found that people who used aspirin or non-steroidal drugs regularly - and that is two or more times a week, for at least five years - had a 63 percent reduced risk of squamous cell cancers of the skin."

A smaller analysis found people who took aspirin eight or more times a week for at least a year had a 90 percent reduction in risk.

Aspirin was also found to decrease the number of sunspots.

Aspirin type drugs shut down an enzyme known as cyclo-oxygenase, which allows some types of skin cancer to develop.

Dr. Whiteman said while the trial offered hope for new strategies in the fight against skin cancer, it did not mean people should start buying aspirin and taking it on a daily basis.

"The way to prevent skin cancer ... is to avoid noonday sunlight, schedule your exposures to morning and afternoon, use hats and sunscreen and that's the way to prevent skin cancer."

Found it here.

That Crooked Smile Bella Loves

2008-05-11T23:19:00.008+08:00

mood: looove
listening to: none

I've been pretty addicted to the novel Twilight by Stephenie Meyer since my uncle bought the book for me when I was staying in Switzerland. (I could've bought the book way before that but it's always out of stock in the bookstores around here.) I've been interested about it for so long so when I read it, it's certainly very invigorating for me. LOL I suppose just like any girl who loves a mysterious and gorgeous guy, I somehow find myself falling in love with Edward Cullen. That and the fact that he's err.. inhuman. You see, it's been years since I'm trying to find a vampire romance novel that doesn't include too much umm how do I say this.. sexuality.. the morbid-ness (is that the correct term? .. morbidity?) amongst other things. Pardon me; I couldn't explain it in a more simple and blunt way. Anyway, I'm also not fond of those kinds of novels with middle-aged characters. No offense about that, really. I just enjoy reading characters that are close to my age range and even if I am getting older too fast (I'm turning 20 in August), I don't think I'd lose that interest in reading teen novels-- not that Twilight is only for teens coz it's not. Many adults and children read and enjoy it too, which proves just how appealing it is.

[Though thinking about it, Vampire Knight does come close to the kind of vampire romance/angst story I've been wanting. (I'm also heavily drawn to Zero so.. hehe) But still...]

So aside from liking Twilight coz the characters are teens, there's romance, sarcasm here and there (absolutely love the humor), and that character you can't help but love (*coughEdwardcough*), it also amazed me how Bella Swan is a lot like me. I swear. When I was reading the book (it's on Bella's POV), it's like reading something I've experienced/did/said or would have thought/done/said (sans the vampire encounters of course). It feels so great that I get to read a novel with a female character who is so much like me coz that way, I know I'm not the only one around who's *ahem* different. The result? Now, I'm officially addicted to it.

Chamie stayed with me for 3 days and 2 nights (sleep-over) starting the day after I came back home to the Philippines. I appreciate it since I really need someone around because my depressive tendencies were starting to slowly eat me again. So when I told her about Twilight, it seems she's interested in it too-- but she refuses to read the book ["That's the Twilight book? It's so thick!"]. She prefers to watch the movie. In our country, it opens in January 2009. Great. We get to live in suspence. I'm so excited that I watch the trailer and the video below over and over and over and over and ["Oh stop."] over and over again. LOL

Here's the other video with the scenes from the set of Twilight and some random interviews from the cast. Enjoy. =3

Home Sweet Home

2008-05-10T09:36:00.004+08:00

I finally got home last May 8th. I'm so tired. It's been a bit of frustrating trip. I'll post more entries later about what happened during my 3 weeks of hiatus-- with photos. I just haven't uploaded all the pictures yet (I think there's around 2000+ in total and probably only around 30 that I'll put up here.) Then I'll have to edit them because of the size and lighting. So yeah. I'll try to sleep now. I haven't enough sleep for four days and I didn't sleep last night.. up to this morning. My poor eyes.

Laterz.

That's How You Know

2008-05-09T13:48:00.005+08:00

mood: lolz
listening to: That's How You Know - Amy Adams and Marlon Saunders

For some reason, this movie cracks me up. <3 Patrick Dempsey
"He knows this song too?"
"I've never heard this song."
"I don't dance. And I really don't sing."
XD
"What are you crazy? They're birds. They don't know where she lives."

How does she know you love her?
How does she know she's yours?

How does she know that you love her?

How do you show her you love her?

How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?
How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you love her?
How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?

It's not enough to take the one you love for granted
You must remind her, or she'll be inclined to say...
"How do I know he loves me?"
(How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you love her?)
"How do I know he's mine?"
(How does she know that you really, really, truely love her?)

Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?
Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey? Heyy!
He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday
That's how you know, that's how you know!
He's your love...

You've got to show her you need her
Don't treat her like a mind reader
Each day do something to need her
To believe you love her

Everybody wants to live happily ever after
Everybody wants to know their true love is true...
How do you know he loves you?
(How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you need her?)
How do you know he's yours?
(How does she know that you really, really, truely-)

Well does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close?
Dedicate a song with words in
Just for you? Ohhh!

He'll find his own way to tell you
With the little things he'll do
That's how you know
That's how you know!

He's your love
He's your love...

That's how you know
(la la la la la la la la)
He loves you
(la la la la la la la la)
That's how you know
(la la la la la la la la)
It's true
(la la la la la)

Because he'll wear your favorite color
Just so he can match your eyes
Rent a private picnic
By the fires glow-oohh!

His heart will be yours forever
Something everyday will show
That's how you know
(That's how you know)
That's how you know
(That's how you know)
That's how you know!

He's your love...

That's how she knows that you love her
That's how you show her you love her

That's how you know...
That's how you know...
He's your love...

Absence

2008-04-29T22:53:00.010+08:00

mood: fine and dandy
listening to: [a song that's not familiar to me]

Guys, I'm sorry I've been too busy and tired lately. My mom and I are trying to cover as many sites as possible. We rarely spent hours on the hotel. Yesterday, we went to the wax museum, Queen's Art Gallery, and the Buckingham Palace [outside of it]. I've been around Kensington High Street, Portobello, etc. Hopefully this week we'll be able to go to the London Bridge. My mom and I are a bit hesitant about riding London's Eye but ah well, we'll see.

A random thing that comes to mind: The keyboard here in Europe is different. Some keys are not in the usual places. I get confused when I need to type a certain punctuation mark. I have to find it. Ah well.

About the tag [Ate Jonah], I'm constantly reminding myself that I should make the list whenever something pops on my mind so hopefully by the next time I go OL here, I'll be able to post it. =)

Well guys, I miss you all. I don't know if you receive my text messages (I use my mom's mobile) coz some of you don't reply but hopefully you get them. Thanks to those who take time and spend a peso whenever they think of me. Like I say, little things like that is enough to make me happy. I'll post about other stuff that happened to me here for the past few weeks pati ung sa Switzerland next time. [Then when I finally come home on the 8th of May, I'll upload lots of pics.]

There's no YM here in this internet cafe so I couldn't leave a message for you there but I might leave a message on friendster. So, catch up with you guys later! TCCIC!

[It's been so long that I've been away from a computer and internet but surprisingly I haven't an episode of withdrawal syndrome.. yet, I suppose. I seldom turn on my mp3 player too. Very odd of me.]

Btw, I'm loving Twilight. =) Edward Cullen is like a dream.

Last Entry For This Month

2008-04-14T09:35:00.006+08:00

mood: nervous
listening to: Hold On - B*witched

Well, this would be my last entry for this month. As for the very few people who know of this blog (since I didn't want to tell it to some of my friends coz it's still underconstruction), I'll be on hiatus for a while. The "while" part being approximately less than a month. If you've read my earlier posts then you'll know what I mean.

To my friends who only found out about it through this blog or through word of mouth, I'd like to apologize for not telling you-- I have my reasons. I really don't want a lot of people to know about it and besides, once I get back with pasalubong, you'll know eventually and then it will be like I never left. I'd really like to surprise you guys. So there. That's 1/3 of my reasons. LOL

By the way, Ate Jonah tagged me so I have to put a list of 6 weird things about me. Since I couldn't do it right this moment, I'll do it once I get back. I promise. =)

I was feeling kind of lonely yesterday and my dream analysis book was accurate again. Some disappointments here and there. Sis Chamie didn't get to sleep-over coz her wisdom tooth somehow picked this [wrong] time to ache. (My wisdom tooth aches so bad recently too but that doesn't keep me from doing things. Oh well, people have their reasons so..) But she promised to tag along for my departure today so we're picking her up along the way to the airport.

I was supposed to do my last errands with May but with the time and way-of-communication conflict, I didn't get to see her. Darn. I miss you, May! We'll hang-out more next month, hopefully.

*sigh* Please pray for my safe flight. I'll be on the plane 8 times for this vacation trip. Yeah. Imagine how it is for me who hates plane-induced nausea. Ugh. Oh and right now, I feel so nervous,

For the second time, I'll miss you all. Take care always and God bless you.

One last thing: It's really raining outside! It's been a while since it rained! Is there a fox wedding somewhere or is this some kind of farewell gift from above? LOL